I'll talk sarcastically about a terrible game, stating the obvious over and over again.
Or if I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I'd do an ironic retro review, talking about games that are agreed to already be good games, while adding nothing of value.
So then, I had this crazy idea to review a game that I actually liked. Skullgirls.
Skullgirls is a pretty peculiar game. It somehow manages an insurmountable achievement of making a fighting game even more esoteric by the way it has been marketed. In the video game industry, most big budget AAA games are generally developed for wide audience appeal, in order to gain a maximum number of units sold, to compensate for the high production costs.
Small indie developers, however, only have the budget that some idiot on kickstarter was willing to give them.
As a result, these indie developers instead have to appeal to a smaller, niche groups. Skullgirls, in particular, caters to three distinct groups of the...
...Ugh.
"Gaming community."
The first major bunch of neckbeards that Skullgirls tries to appeal to, for a lack of a better term, is the... "Competitive gamer." Possibly the most wretched piece of shit you'll ever encounter in a video game, it's that thing that takes video games way too seriously. When playing against it, it'll likely brag every time it wins, and complain and whine and possibly cry if it loses. They also tend to use the terms like "RNG", "APM", "Metagame", and "Esports", as if they have any fucking idea what they're talking about.
In appealing to such a small group of basement dwellers, the developers have unintentionally shot themselves in the foot. So, to compensate, it tries to two other consumers. Advertising games through sex appeal isn't new at all, especially in fighting games. But by promoting itself where every character (a grand total of eight) is a female,hypersexualizing and fetishsizing them, Skullgirls hopes to attract sexually frustrated teens and neckbeards, playing with one hand. This is the type of worthless cretin that, if I were to post cropped porn, they would spam "Source?!", like a bunch of twits with an erection, asking for more.
Skullgirls' hand drawn cast of characters with various aesthetics and... ass-thetics (NSFW, I guess.), have taken the second group. But because the game places emphasis on giving each character a unique personality, and separate art design, it appeals to the last group.
In conclusion, it can be inferred that the entirety of the playerbase for Skullgirls consists of tryhard sexual degenerate weaboos. Quite possibly the most degenerate of sub-species of humanity.
Anyways. I probably should get on to the review.
8/10 pretty good
Someone's bound to still get offended by this.
[22:46] <Ronan_> I once stabbed a man in Reno just to watch him bleed.
((Transferring my Bioshock Infinite review here.))
Ugh. Bioshock Infinite.
Err, I mean... Bioshock Infinite!
Bioshock Infinite is a video game. But not only is it the BEST VIDEO GAME EVER, it's also the Citizen Kane of video games (seriously, people fucking say this), it might even be the MAGNUM OPUS of humanity. It not only surpasses what a mere video game strives to achieve, but transcends.
Of course, being someone who partakes in the most pedestrian of artistic mediums, I can only show my affection through top 10 lists.
1. Plasmids
The first thing Booker DeWitt does in Columbia, is to swig a bottle of gene altering, potentially lethal drugs. But, it's like what Booker says.
"You only live once."
Bioshock Infinite takes the initial concept of plasmids, and elevates them to a whole new level.
"Hold and release to create a deadly fire trap"
"Hold and release to create an explosive trap"
"Hold and release to create a lightning trap"
"Hold and release to create a nest trap"
2. Themes
My dad always told me to never put all my eggs in one basket, and I believe him. It's much safer to carry each egg into an individual basket, so all your baskets don't collapse from the sheer weight of your pretentiousness.
With that terrible analogy in mind, it's good to see that Bioshock Infinite, instead of focusing on a few key ideas, and fleshing them out skillfully, the game opts to instead to mention a bizarre amount of themes and ideas with shallow points, devoid of any actual substance or emotional meaning.
"The use of violence/force"
"Systemic racism and social segregation"
"Religious extremism"
"Fatalism, destiny, and free will"
"Monopolization of the capital, and economic inequality"
simply mentioning any of these points (Which, for anyone that played the game, knows that all these premature themes that never develop were cast aside for some totally 2deep4u plot about quantum physics), you're making a phoned artistic statement.
At least, by video game standards.
8. Gameplay Design
I love violence. I really do. So with all the plasmids all being the fucking same, and with no gameplay elements worthy of praise, Bioshock Infinite's gunplay carries about 99% of the game's story. Thankfully, there's a few ingenious design work behind the weapons. There's a two weapon limit, and a low ammo count, then combined with an incredibly expensive upgrade system, then the developers decide to arbitrarily double the weapon count halfway through the game for absolutely no fucking reason. This means you can only invest into a few effective weapons, and due to the ammo constraints, you'll be forced to trade for terrible, un - upgraded weapons. The enemies are all bullet sponges, with no sense of self preservation. There's a grand total of maybe... Five different enemies? Oh, and the Handyman make amazing boss fights. There's also a lot of tooltips that pop up, that are incredibly handy. See, when I've gone five seconds without shooting something, which is what modern FPS's have bred me to be seen as uncomfortable, bloodust overtakes me, and I begin shooting unarmed civilians. So it's nice to see the game reminds me to fire in short controlled bursts in these times of drawn out scenes.
7. When making a top 10 list, there's usually a listing that tops about useless filler that contributes nothing, and serves as a distraction to fill another point, before moving on.
6. Characters!
With so many characters in Bioshock Infinite, you would think it would be impossible to make them all interesting and engaging! Irrational games solves this, by writing each character off as simple caricatures with no actual depth.
From the religious zealot (Comstock)
To the wronged minority that takes things too far (Daizy Fitzory)
To the cynical anti hero who has a mysterious dark past (Booker DeWitt)
Or the industrialist, with the heart of gold (Jeremiah Fink)
This is all, without even mentioning the character the player spends with most time with.
Ah... Elizabeth. Isn't she just perfect? Her beautiful eyes, that awesome rack. I just love everything about her. It's great that she only gets mildly bothered by my first act of mass murder, and proceeds to not give a fuck the rest of the game. I swear, if I had already committed myself to my amazing girlfriend, I would swear my vows to Elizabeth right here, right now.
5. Luteces
I don't really have anything bad to say about the Luteces. I actually quite liked them. I just need to pad this list up a bit more.
4. Immersion and Interactivity
I, like everyone who posts their shitty reviews on the internet, am a pretty cool guy, whose daunt air keeps up with the latest art and culture. So, to quote my lifelong hero, and brotha from another motha, Jay-Z, "Nigga needs to know to keep it real, ya fell me?".
With those ghetto words in mind, it's good to see this is being practiced by Irrational Games. In spite of being a video game with some kind of story of some description, they never forget that it's still, in essence, a video game. Any time Booker voices any sort of regret, grief from prior actions, searching for a voice of reason, you can always quickly forget about it by walking in front of an unarmed human, and tearing her face off. (No really, you can fucking do that)
Interactivity and player choice is also a very important part in Bioshock Infinite, and is put seamlessly into the game.
Take for instance, in the final confrontation against Comstock, with Elizabeth. Elizabeth is grabbed by the religious zealot, demanding the woman to ask Booker "what happened to your finger". The player, as Booker, has the choice to press F to "pull Comstock off Elizabeth." The player can walk around the room, searching for collectibles, jumping up and down, staring at the ceiling, walking up and down the hallways. Should the player ever come back to the original spot, Comstock and Elizabeth would indefinitely be in the same, scripted animation, Comstock grabbing Elizabeth, and Elizabeth struggling from his grip. Or, they can continue with Irrational Games' shoehorned illusion of player choice, where "pull Comstock off Elizabeth" is conducted as "beat Comstock to death by bashing his head." What a great game.
#3, #2, and #1. The Ending
The game's ending is truly the highlight of the entire video game, and leaves any touched and phoned moves at the door. It dares to ask questions that we don't even ask ourselves!
"Why IS Jeremiah Fink such a cutie pie?"
"Why does Comstock live in Fort Doom?"
"Where DID that key come from?"
"How did Booker and Elizabeth realize that they couldn't carry a ton of equipment on their back?"
"Why is there a ghost? I mean, really. A fucking ghost. Jesus fucking christ."
"If the Vox Populi wrote you off as a hero, then why does every single fucking one of them want to kill you?"
"If they're an infinite amount of universes, like the end says, what is the purpose of Booker accepting being drowned to death by the infinite number of Elizabeths? Because surely, in another parallel universe, Booker would refuse this sacrifice, and thus some Comstocks would end up surviving anyhow."
Ah, but of course, for all the uninitiated of you, all these questions are answered by, in the words of Elizabeth:
"Constants and Variables."
Like most video game enthusiasts, I have absolutely no knowledge and understanding of quantum physics, science as a whole, and most possibly, basic sentence construction.
But what I DO know about physics, is that it's just like magic! Anything is possible, if you explain it like you're talking to a five year old, but the simple combination of...
"Constants and Variables."
...And infinite worlds, then anything is possible!
And if you didn't realize this, or didn't like Bioshock Infinite's ending for a multitude of reasons, then it was just clearly too deep for you.
Overall, it's a nice, cohesive ending, and ties together absolutely nothing that has been built on for the last 8 hours of playing the game, and just serves as a 15 minute exposition.
GAME OF THE YEAR, FOREVER.
It honestly confuses me that people enjoyed an interactive movie posing as a video game.
[22:46] <Ronan_> I once stabbed a man in Reno just to watch him bleed.
Faster then Light is an indie roguelike, developed by a bunch of worthless beggars that managed to get substantial popularity, because every other game in 2012 was utter shit.
GAMEPLAY
The gameplay is based around trying not to get fucked by the randomly generated systems, or the ridiculous RNG based combat system, and then hitting restart when you inevitably fail.
Performing any action that involves any level of risk will always result in the loss of crew. While showing mercy, will always bite you in the ass.
GRAPHICS AND ART DESIGN
It's an indie game.
SOUND AND MUSIC
IT'S AN INDIE GAME.
STORY
Initially, I thought Faster than Light's narrative was absolutely groundbreaking. Possibly on the same level as Bioshock Infinite.
You spend the entire game running from the rebel fleet, then you turn around and plow straight through it, and destroy the American flagship.
The game, however, has very disturbing subtexts and themes, that prevent me from enjoying the artistic narrative. Faster Than Light, unfortunately, is socialist propaganda, created by some sort of cultural Marxist engineered to fuel the... Ugh.
"Liberal Agenda".
The game frequently rewards having a racially diverse crew, also known as... "Multi cultural ship". The hard working white rebels are shown as evil and oppressive, while diversely, the "culturally enriched federation" is supposed to be "benevolent" and"heroic".
I don't know what a "Red Tail" or "Nesasio" is, but it sounds like something a Communist would say.
I am appalled that in this time and age, that such a blatant piece of Euro trash is designed to Islamify our true American citizens.
Overall, pretty good game, 7/10
[22:46] <Ronan_> I once stabbed a man in Reno just to watch him bleed.
JonnyJerny wrote:Initially, I thought Faster than Light's narrative was absolutely groundbreaking. Possibly on the same level as Bioshock Infinite.
You spend the entire game running from the rebel fleet, then you turn around and plow straight through it, and destroy the American flagship.
The game, however, has very disturbing subtexts and themes, that prevent me from enjoying the artistic narrative. Faster Than Light, unfortunately, is socialist propaganda, created by some sort of cultural Marxist engineered to fuel the... Ugh.
"Liberal Agenda".
The game frequently rewards having a racially diverse crew, also known as... "Multi cultural ship". The hard working white rebels are shown as evil and oppressive, while diversely, the "culturally enriched federation" is supposed to be "benevolent" and"heroic".
Lulz, seriously? That actually makes me want to play it and bask in the pinko-ness.
I really liked how they handled things in the original Bioshock. The setting was an objectivist's wet dream, but the story played out without taking a political side. Things fell apart for reasons unrelated to idealology: good ol' fashioned lust for power and magic underwater sea slugs (ok the last bit isn't so common).
Please don't waste your time with Bioshock Infinite. It's pretentious, interactive movie garbage that'll unfortunately be hailed as "game of the year" because a bunch of retarded neckbeards who have absolutely no fucking idea about quantum physics will still regard the plot as deep and moving and some other bullshit, ignoring the shallow gameplay design and weak characters.
It's so fucking bad and it's mind boggling that this, and Gone Home (which literally advertises itself as HAVING NO FUCKING GAMEPLAY AT ALL, and still receiving critical acclaim) will honestly be the future of video games. Interactive movies with pretentious plot lines, that creates the illusion that these developers are creating art. When, in reality, they're creating sub par video games with questionable or awful plot design.
[22:46] <Ronan_> I once stabbed a man in Reno just to watch him bleed.
JonnyJerny wrote:Please don't waste your time with Bioshock Infinite. It's pretentious, interactive movie garbage that'll unfortunately be hailed as "game of the year" because a bunch of retarded neckbeards who have absolutely no fucking idea about quantum physics will still regard the plot as deep and moving and some other bullshit, ignoring the shallow gameplay design and weak characters.
Pretty much every review I read came straight out and said the game gets in the way of the story and that the actual mechanics are weaker than other shooters, which was 100% true. That doesn't make the story bad though, but then, Bioshock games have never had strong mechanics. If you are playing Bioshock purely for the shooting, you are playing for the wrong reasons.
It's so fucking bad and it's mind boggling that this, and Gone Home (which literally advertises itself as HAVING NO FUCKING GAMEPLAY AT ALL, and still receiving critical acclaim) will honestly be the future of video games. Interactive movies with pretentious plot lines, that creates the illusion that these developers are creating art. When, in reality, they're creating sub par video games with questionable or awful plot design.
How good a game is, just like movies, is entirely subjective. The English Patient in 1996 won 9 Oscar Awards, including Best Picture, but my parents thought it was a pile of slow paced shit. I personally thought Bioshock Infinite told a fantastic story. It doesn't matter if it was a story that has been told before, or told better by others, so long as the individual player is engaged, that is what matters and obviously it engaged a great deal of players. When distilled down to its absolute basics, there are only a very, very small amount of plots for stories (3 to 36 depending on who you ask) so it is how a story is told that matters.
Games can absolutely be art, though I would hesitate to put Infinite into that group.
Whether you think the plot of Infinite is good is, as always, your opinion. And you're right, it is subjective. It definitely is.
That, however, doesn't excuse the stale first person shooter mechanics, the complete shafting aside of it's themes of nationalism, racism, and etc.
There's a game called Abe's Odyssey that takes the same concept of Infinite and Bioshock 1. Unlike Infinite, the game doesn't pull punches. It's incredibly dark at some points.
For a game that intends to focus on racial segregation, I certainly did hear "negro" a lot, but never "nigger". To my knowledge, in the early 1900's, "negro" was the general word to describe black people (although now it can be considered a racial term), while "nigger" is the disparaging, racist term. Infinite seems to want to shock the player, make them understand that these themes are alive and real, which is noble, but you can't be a politically correct game without acknowledging the issue in full force.
It's important to talk about Bioshock Infinite and it's flaws because, if we, as gamers, allow the hype to get to us, and saying that Infinite is a masterpiece, it implies to other developers that it's okay to keep producing this kind of stuff.
For all the bland shooting games out there, Infinite might be a step in the right direction. In the general sense however, it's not the game that we as gamers should be encouraging. Pretentious, shallow themes, all with the combination of mediocre at best gameplay design. It's just another shooter with tacked on themes that aren't well explored or well thought out.
By praising Bioshock Infinite, people are saying it's okay to make bland shooters even if it undermines the plot.
I'm sure you know about a game released in 1978 called Space Invaders. The player goes through a horde of aliens, with blocks of cover used to protect them from the enemies while taking shots at them themselves. The idea was to pop out, shoot, go into cover, and begin again.
Like many shooters, Bioshock Infinite is Space Invaders, with a new coat of paint. It'd be a damn shame if we were to be playing Space Invaders for the rest of our lives, because it was heralded by Infinite.
[22:46] <Ronan_> I once stabbed a man in Reno just to watch him bleed.
Bioshock was hardly the first, or the worst, game using cover based shooting. If Infinite has a lasting effect, it, like Bioshock before it, shows that you do not have to sacrifice a good story in your first person shooter.
Consoles and their limited control schemes (compared to a keyboard and mouse) have done far more to making cover based shooters ubiquitous.
The Elder Scrolls III : Morrowind has often been hailed as the best in the series.
But it's shit, and I'm gonna tell you why I'm right, and you're wrong.
Just like every Skyrim game, you start off as a prisoner. This time, on a boat.
It immediately starts off poorly, because character creation shows the player the benefits of picking a race, instead of obscuring it for no particular reason, like the game of the year, Skyrim.
Don't they know this is half the fun?
Also, what the fuck is a "hand to hand"?
Anyways, you're finally a free man, and you're challenged with your first boss.
Before I continue, one needs to know about Morrowind's god awful combat system.
The weapons combat in this game is simply atrocious. The player can completely miss attacks, and all of this is randomly generated. Whether you hit the enemy or not, is based on luck. Irrelevant things such as your skill level, your weapons, and your fatigue, are needlessly factored in, designing the game to have a functional skill-based combat system.
Skyrim manages to have combat a non stop action thriller! With the dragon fights being one of the most epic and memorable and intense boss battles (And experience!) ever! Possibly the most intense experience you'll ever have in a video game! Like Bioshock Infinite
As for the magic, there are far too many spells. Black Hand? Now that's just racist.
It is also possible to even fail some spells, meaning the magic is affected by the absurd luck based combat system once again, factoring in your skill level for no reason. This combined with the fact health and mana do not regenerate (LIKE SKYRIM!!!!), makes magic completely nonviable.
In conclusion, Morrowind's combat can go fuck itself.
That being said, if the combat system was Morrowind's only problem, I wouldn't have a problem with the game, since it is at least 30 years old. But this is just the beginning of the insurmountable problems that Morrowind faces.
A good example of this, is the way it handles the plot. The plot to Morrowind, can be summarized as this.
Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words wordsWords words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words No dragon shouting words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words wordsWords words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words A lot of real spooky shit words Words words Words wordsWords words Words Fucking cliff racers[/b ]words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words Words words WORLD SAVED
Morrowind's story seems to suffer from it's disgusting main antagonist. The attempt to characterize him, give him a unique personality, and an interesting background, but this requires me to pay lots of attention, and do a whole lot of reading. Alduin from Skyrim, however, has none of this faults. Allowing his illogical behavior, vague motives, and erratic personality to all be explained by, "hurr durr, I'm a dragon". 10/10 game of the year
Morrowind seems to lack direction, in many ways. The vast, intricate, non linear dungeons that reward full exploration are so confusing! There are no big "fuck off" arrows like Skyrim, requiring me to read signs, and look at my journal! Why did the developers incorrectly assume that the average gamer can read at a primary school level? This is terrible game design.
Unlike the stale, boring Nordic design of Skyrim thats copy and pasted a couple of times, Morrowind had vibrant regions, with interesting architecture relative to the great house that resides there, and unique land marks to make each city stand out.
This is a great example of schizophrenic art design at it's worst.
In conclusion, it'd be unfair if I were to say Morrowind is completely lacking of triumphs. The game does have a few really interesting boss fights, with simply wonderful mechanics like removing all of your fucking strength so you have to drop everything right where you stand in order to regain your movement. Constantly falling through the floor as a glitch, is also a great treat. This is otherwise hampered by a flawed game.
With these things in mind, I'm afraid I'm going to have to give The Elder Scrolls III : Morrowind a shameful 8/10.
[22:46] <Ronan_> I once stabbed a man in Reno just to watch him bleed.