The Akbar and Renunzio Radio Show (18+)

[Misty]

The Akbar and Renunzio Radio Show

Milking a Camel

Starring:
Akbar akh Asad, Paladin of Nobanion of Bedine descent.
Renunzio Buonofortuna, hin bard of bawdy persuasion.

Setting:
Lonely desert outpost on the edge of the Anauroch, early morning.



Akbar akh Asad: You milk, then. I cover you.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *retrieves the cactus flesh he left out to dry*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You want me to milk the camel?

Akbar akh Asad: Yes. For it is not yet safe. And I know how to deal with the shadows.
Akbar akh Asad: It is not hard.
Akbar akh Asad: And you can probably do it standing up.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Yes.. but it is rather... familiar, don't you think?

Akbar akh Asad: *pushes the bucket to Renunzio with his foot*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *picks up the bucket and sets it under the camel*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Um.... right.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *pats the camel*

Akbar akh Asad: Just grab two teats, there. She is gentle.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Good morning, Beautiful...

Akbar akh Asad: Yes, good morning to you too.
Akbar akh Asad: now milk the camel.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *Leans against the camel's leg*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Wait.

Akbar akh Asad: Yes?

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *lifts his mask for a moment and kisses the camel on the nose*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I understand that you have to warm them up a bit.

Akbar akh Asad: *laughs*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Now then....
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *reaches under the camel, and gently touches the teats*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Sure, I will still respect you.

Akbar akh Asad: Do not touch! Grab. Grab!

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Where did you learn how to do this?

Akbar akh Asad: When I was a boy. I tended the camels.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Has Teia seen you at this? you might scare her off, you know.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I bet you don't even kiss her first.

Akbar akh Asad: *silence behind the mask*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *kneads the camel teats, gently*

Akbar akh Asad: Milk the camel.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Don't worry, my hands are warm.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: There is a little thing called foreplay, Akbar.. you should study it.

Akbar akh Asad: *sighs* The milk will be butter, the way you are churning.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *milks the camel*

Akbar akh Asad: Ah. There!

Renunzio Buonofortuna: See? nice and creamy.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Kind of yellow....
Renunzio Buonofortuna: What have you been feeding her?

Akbar akh Asad: i do not feed. The Sergeant does.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Oh.... and this milk is fortified...
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I fed her Cassil last night.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I am winking at you under here.

Akbar akh Asad: good! I think.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Cassil is a male birth control herb.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: But camels like it.

Akbar akh Asad: Male birth control herb. THAT is the herb that---er....
Akbar akh Asad: Are you done yet?

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Lots of Calimshites claim they are only born because the camel ate their father's cassil.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You can't rush these things, you know...
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *gently nuzzles the camel*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: If she is comfortable she will be more responsive.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Trust me.. it is a universal thing.

Akbar akh Asad: It makes me uncomfortable, the way you milk camel.
Akbar akh Asad: Next time, I bring Moonshade.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *shrugs*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You gotta play to the crowd... leave them wanting more.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You watch... she will prefer that I milk her in the future.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: She'll tell her friends.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: All the camel girls will come looking for Nunzio.

Akbar akh Asad: *stands there, shaking his head*
Akbar akh Asad: I think you have enough humpbacked women looking for you already.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *looks at the almost overflowing bucket*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: See?
Renunzio Buonofortuna: There are humpbacked women looking for me?
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Where?

Akbar akh Asad: Yes, yes. Your skills humble me. Now let us go inside.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: You carry the bucket.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You are stronger.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *nudges the bucket towards Akbar*

Akbar akh Asad: *picks up the bucket with a little grunt*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Be sure to skim the cream off the top for coffee.

Akbar akh Asad: Of course, I am the only one who drinks it.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: No.. no.. Feed some to Moonbottom.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: The camel is happy.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: She has a dreamy look on her face now.

[RangerDeWood]

LOL

stupid work, making me miss all the fun

[Mizbiz]

OMG...

I am the luckiest DM in alfa.

[danielmn]

*laughs so hard, he cries*

[psycho_leo]

*looks at all the soda he spit on his desk*

This was about the funniest thing I read this weekend.

[KnightLight]

I need to get to Daggerdale... o_O

[Aitana]

LOL!!!!

That was the best, I couldnt even rp really I was laughing so hard.

I shall never think of milking a camel the same.

Aitana

[Killthorne]

Just awesome guys!

~Killthorne

[Burt]

roflwaffles. You can milk anything with nipples huh.

[XooooF]

OMG.. Had Bron been there.. He would have been rolling in the sand laughing... Im glad i did not try t drink anything while reading that

[Brokenbone]

"Do not touch. Grab. Grab!"

Part of the paladin code I believe.

...

Funny stuff, thanks for sharing.

[ewayneself]

The Letter
With special appearance by Christophen Narensa, Akbar's superior in the local militia.

The Setting:
The Red Rock Inn. Akbar has recently discovered that a girl he likes is a priestess of Sharess and works in the local brothel.


Renunzio Buonofortuna: Akbar, my friend. What can a small fool do for you?

Akbar akh Asad: *smiles* You can help a big fool. Can you write?

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I can... depending on what tongue you want it in.

Akbar akh Asad: In the tongue that is common here. The tongue that....Sarah uses.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I can write in Common, and Hin, and Vistani flower marks, and elven.

Akbar akh Asad: Good, then.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: The common tongue then?
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You want a letter written?

Akbar akh Asad: Yes. I have no parchment. But I will pay you, if you have any.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Come with me to my room, I have a desk there.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: There is scrap parchment enough I suspect
Renunzio Buonofortuna: My humble quarters.

Akbar akh Asad: *looks arond*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: The good thing about being small is that a small room seems big.

Akbar akh Asad: *looks in* I suppose.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *motions him in*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Even a looking glass.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *motions to the mirror*

Akbar akh Asad: I live in a tent, so I can hardly complain. But i do not understand why you pay for a roof.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *sets his stick down.*

Akbar akh Asad: *looks at self in mirror*
Akbar akh Asad: *rubs goatee*
Akbar akh Asad: *half-smiles*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I understand.... but it is warm when the winds are cold.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: And I do not pay, It is given me for my work.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: "If a man will not work, neither let him eat", so they say.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: So, for my labours here, I have this room and I eat and drink free.

Akbar akh Asad: Yes. We have a similar saying among my people.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *tears a page from the notebook*
Akbar akh Asad: "If a man will not work, may his testicles hang from a pole outside the tent of the sheikh's many wives."
Akbar akh Asad: Similar, no?

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Wow... and i thought going hungry was bad.

Akbar akh Asad: This letter. It is to Sarah.
Akbar akh Asad: Of all of the women I met here, she is the one who was the kindest to me.
Akbar akh Asad: Her hair is red, like the mane of Nobanion. Like fire.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *nods and dips he quill in the ink,* Shall I write that al down now?
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Or are you warming up?

Akbar akh Asad: *blinks* No! Do not write that!
Akbar akh Asad: The letter begins thusly...
Akbar akh Asad: Harlot:

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *scribbles* Dear Scarlet Strumpet.

Akbar akh Asad: You whose private places have entertained the rods of a thousand thousand men.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I went with Scarlet Strumpet, it is a local term for harlot.. and she will find it less offensive.

Akbar akh Asad: Three-breasted whore.

Christophen Narensa: ahh...

Renunzio Buonofortuna: You whose private places have...

Akbar akh Asad: *turns*

Christophen Narensa: Sorra ta intrude on ye..
Christophen Narensa: I eard Akbar beh up ere.

Akbar akh Asad: Not at all, my friend! I was just composing a note.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I was just scribing for him

Christophen Narensa: *holds out a small leather pouch to Akbar*

Akbar akh Asad: What is this?

Christophen Narensa: At beh yer pay.
Christophen Narensa: Fer yer servaces in tha ills.

Akbar akh Asad: *scowls* I can accept no pay for hunting the fell creatures of Malar.

Christophen Narensa: *smiles*
Christophen Narensa: *grunts*

Akbar akh Asad: Is there a temple that will take this?

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Pay. The thing like money, only less so

Christophen Narensa: Consida et a payment toward a weapon that'll urt tha bastads.

Akbar akh Asad: *considers this*
Akbar akh Asad: *nods, satisfied*

Christophen Narensa: Keep et, may elp ta pay fer silva.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: It is nice of you to bring it round, Christophen... lesser folk might have cheated him.

Christophen Narensa: *spits*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I know you would not.

Christophen Narensa: *nods*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: But we both know of some that would.

Christophen Narensa: *grunts, nods*

Akbar akh Asad: Truly?

Christophen Narensa: Ell, I still ave ta find Tiea, an moonshade.

Akbar akh Asad: This surprises me. Name them, so that I may know.

Christophen Narensa: An mista wiggle fingas.

Akbar akh Asad: Can his kind not turn rocks to gold?

Christophen Narensa: *shakes his head*
Christophen Narensa: Nutha at I know a....

Renunzio Buonofortuna: He would be lucky to turn milk into cheese.

Christophen Narensa: I nutha think eh beh at powaful yet.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: But someday, he may be a cheesemaker.

Akbar akh Asad: Well. Step carefully, lest he capture your soul in a jar.

Christophen Narensa: *claps Akbar on his shoulder*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Periwinkle Cheesemaker,, yep.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: That works nicely.

Christophen Narensa: Thanks fer yer assistance, meh friend.
Christophen Narensa: *smiles*

Akbar akh Asad: Always.

Christophen Narensa: May need et agin, ifn weh beh goin afta tha Vistani.
Christophen Narensa: *nods to them both*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: So, that Dolen fellow.. a terrible cad.... not to be trusted.

Akbar akh Asad: Dolen. I will remember the name.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: And the people in the Broken Dagger... though I have some friends there, they are not to be trusted with gold.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: So where were we?

Akbar akh Asad: Please read back to me what you have written so far.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *reads back* Scarlet Strumpet, You who have known he rods of a thousand thousand men... not that I am casting judgement.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I added that so she knew it was a friendly letter.

Akbar akh Asad: *blinks*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: But I can blot it out.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: It is still damp.

Akbar akh Asad: It is fine. The next line was: Three-breasted whore who knows not a husband.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Ah.. that was when the door opened... yes.

Akbar akh Asad: But I think Seven-breasted is better.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *nods and scribbles* Seven breasted whore (because seven is lucky) who knows not a husband.

Akbar akh Asad: Of course, I am aware that she only has two breasts.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: It is poetry..
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You are allowed embellisment.

Akbar akh Asad: Two milkly, voluptuous breasts.
Akbar akh Asad: That she bares brazenly, in dresses made to tempt holy men!
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You should see under the dress.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Not a stitch.

Akbar akh Asad: *gasps!*
Akbar akh Asad: You have....

Renunzio Buonofortuna: You can tell when she crosses the ford.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: She lifts her skirts.

Akbar akh Asad: *shakes his head quickly* Enough. On with the letter.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *readies the quill*

Akbar akh Asad: I sat at your unclean table. You did not reveal your true nature to me, nor that of your god.
Akbar akh Asad: You have brought shame upon me.
Akbar akh Asad: ....
Akbar akh Asad: What are you doing tomorrow night?
Akbar akh Asad: No, no. Do not write that.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I sat at your table. You did not reveal your true nature to me, nor that of your god(dess). You have brought shame upon me.

Akbar akh Asad: *nods* Yes.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Skip the chat up line.. check.

Akbar akh Asad: Then write:

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *readies the quill*

Akbar akh Asad: There is much about this place I do not understand. There is much about you I do not understand.
Akbar akh Asad: If we could stand together, far apart, in the marketplace in Dagger Falls, I would speak to you. And have you speak to me.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: There is much about this place that I do not understand.. There is much about you that I do not understand.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: If we could stand together at, say twenty paces, in the Dagger Falls Market, I would speak to you, and have you speak to me... so long as it is not obvious to whom we are speaking.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I added that, because she might not understand otherwise.. clarity.

Akbar akh Asad: *nods* Of course.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: You know how women are..

Akbar akh Asad: *blank look*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I mean, actually you don't seem to know.. but anyway..
Renunzio Buonofortuna: If you are not specific with a woman, she will read in what she wants to hear.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: And sometimes she will do it when you are specific.

Akbar akh Asad: I do not know how to be...persuasive. I can offer her a cow.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I have just the thing.

Akbar akh Asad: Good. For I am unable to say the last part.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: let me fetch it.

Akbar akh Asad: *waits*
Akbar akh Asad: *looks at self in mirror*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: *produces a fine bottle*

Akbar akh Asad: What is this?

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Go ahead.. give this to her.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: It is perfume.

Akbar akh Asad: It smells like the tent of a harem.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: She will like it.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Cheaper than a cow.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: And more effective.

Akbar akh Asad: I will give it to her if she deigns to meet in the marketplace.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: This way she can hide the scent of all the men she has had between her loins.

Akbar akh Asad: *blushes deeply*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: It is thoughtfull gift, and usefull.

Akbar akh Asad: ... *ahem* The final sentence.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Ah yes.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *returns to the desk and dips the quill in ink again*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: The final sentence....

Akbar akh Asad: I hope that you will meet with me. Please send word through Renunzio, if it pleases you.
Akbar akh Asad: That is good, no?

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I hope that you will meet with me, send word through Renunzio.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: That is good.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I could touch it up, if you like.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Put it in local vernacular.

Akbar akh Asad: You understand the women, my friend. I would appreciate any help from you.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: All right... I would put it like this.....
Renunzio Buonofortuna: *tears another page from the journal and prepares the quill.*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Dear Scarlet Temptress.

Akbar akh Asad: *listens*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I now know of your profession, and while it disturbs me on a personal level, it is not my place to judge, you are who you are.

Akbar akh Asad: *blinks*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: I did not know that you were a prostitute when we first met, and when I discovered it, I was really horrified.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I would have never guessed.

Akbar akh Asad: *nods*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: But you must understand that for a man of my standing, this was embarassing, and I was mortified when I discovered it.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: We don't do that where I come from.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: But I am not there, now, and things are different here.

Akbar akh Asad: *raises eyebrows* No, no, no. I have no standing. I am the humblest of all men, having sinned against my own family in a most unpardonable way.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: She doesn't need to know that.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You can tell her in person.. it will have a better effect.

Akbar akh Asad: But I am angry with her for hiding the full truth from me.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: She thought you knew.

Akbar akh Asad: It seems wrong for me to hide the full truth from her.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: She told you who her goddess was.. she assumed that you would understand.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: You are not hiding it.. you are making it special by revealing it to her in person... much better.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Think.. she will be able to see your face, and feel the inner pain and grief when you tell her.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: She might even offer to let you lay your head upon her breast while you weep.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Not a bad angle.

Akbar akh Asad: Do not say "a man of my standing". Say "the humblest of all servants of Nobanion, whose very name has been stripped from him, who has crawled upon his belly in the dessert, and who has waited to die from the heat of the sun. Who accepted his fate with not a sound or a sigh, but who was saved by Lord Firemane in his mighty wisdom, who senthis strange servants across the sands to his eternal bliss, elohim, elohim, elohim, elohim, elohim.
Akbar akh Asad: *makes ornate religous gestures with his hands*

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Right *blots the ink*
Renunzio Buonofortuna: Starting over.

Akbar akh Asad: The rest was very good.
Akbar akh Asad: I will pay for the parchment you have wasted.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Dear Scarlet Temptress,
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I did not know that you were a prostitute when I met you, and misunderstood when you tried in your way to let me know. After all, who would have guessed?

Akbar akh Asad: *nods* "Who would have guessed."
Akbar akh Asad: *looks at self in mirror* I am losing my color in this grey land.

Renunzio Buonofortuna: To have sat at a table with a prostitite was for my people a great shame, and as I have suffered so much shame already, having failed my people and wondered in the desert and survived only through the greace of Nobanion, I as not certain that any more shame could be endured.

Akbar akh Asad: *nods* Very good, little man!

Renunzio Buonofortuna: But you seem really nice for someone who sells her body to the night.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: And this is not the desert and the rules here are different.
Renunzio Buonofortuna: I still have to stay clean. But I would like to know you better.

Akbar akh Asad: *blinks* What does this mean. To "stay clean"?

Renunzio Buonofortuna: Not in the whole.. "know you as in begetting sons on you and all"...
Renunzio Buonofortuna: To stay clean means not to sully yourself in sin in the eyes of your god.

Akbar akh Asad: *nods* Good, good. You know your work. Please to finish it from there.

[danielmn]

Alright, that is it....

You two are no longer allowed to rp without the other.

That SO puts things into perspective.....a great read!

[Aitana]

LOL!!!

I want more lol... these are great. Great times on DD because of you guys.


Aitana

[Adalia13]

LOL..Akbar don't like it.....Milk the camel Nunzio ,milk the camel

rotfl, too funny this is GREAT!!!!

Keep them coming