Dark laments of a half-elf

[Cynon]

I love this character the more and more i read.

Yet IC you frustrate the hell out of me!

*Kail takes Sylvia by the shoulders and gives her a darn good shake!*

[orangetree]

I... guess I want to write, but the truth is I don't know what to say. How can I possibly write about the death of someone I cared a great deal for. I remember the moment of death...

They were the tiger clan. Uthgart... some of the strongest men I have ever known. I knew of their association with animals, and yes... Inside I suppose I mocked it. Banu always seemed... dare I say, childish with the way he called on the bear. Simply superstitions, they have done what rangers and druids have done fore centuries. There is no bear spirit, or tiger, or anything like that.

I don't think I can mock it ever again.

My nerves were frayed, from the death of another. Arden Blath. I could see him dying. The same way I always feel those around me will die. I did everything in my power to keep him alive. I even recall the moments I saw him slumped, as if sleeping. Bruised and beaten, my hand went to my potion, trying to heal him. The others had already gone, and for a moment it was just me and this corpse.

Flashes of potentials came and died in an instant. Life.. represents a potential to me. Seeing someone die so quickly, is a terribly emptiness. This was nothing however, in seeing the death of one of my truest friends, Jondo.

I never really appreciated this eccentric faithless monk. I will miss our little talks. He was always on hand to offer something freely that might be of use. Would that I could offer such kindness. If there is indeed nothing but the gods and this.. higher force is but a dream, I appeal the gods would not cast him to the wall.

The way he died... was more dreamlike and surreal then any other experience. It was as if time were frozen, and split into two different futures. I remember being racked with pain as an uthgart struck a blade into me from behind. It pierced right through. A fatal wound, I remarked distantly. I could feel it twist, the pain was so hard it could not be blocked out. I stumbled forward, the blood pouring out of me... mere seconds of life remaining. I quickly ran my fingers for a potion before I lost consciousness. It helped.

I then saw Jondo's corpse.. but for some reason, I was worried this was my corpse. Indeed a brief moment came I did see my own corpse in my mind. Something tells me Jondo sacrificed himself to save my life in some way. But this feeling is strange and I have no reason to account for it.

Having taken him to the temple I became angry at the priest. He could not bring him back. I demanded we try another temple but he insisted it would do no good. Jondo himself desires death.

I feel... angry. It shouldn't be. It just shouldn't be.

**********************************************************

I feel my time in daggerford growing shorter and shorter. I can almost see the darkness again here. The forces that would kill me. They see my lack of faith, despite the fact I wear a symbol declaring me an illmatari. I have stopped wearing the robes outside of prayer and church. Peasants often ask me to bless them or help their injuries. The best I can do is ask knowing for a fact I can't do anything else. Its unlucky such people would find me and think me a priest.

But yes... time here is short. If I stay I know I will die. There are forces out there that I could never fight, and what was once a fire I could avoid has become an inferno surrounding me.

I do not blame them... I can only blame myself for daring to open up. I opened up to the wrong person and now everything is gone. in an instant. My potential here... gone. For but a moments weakness of heart.

I have been killed, but still alive... elsewhere.

[orangetree]

And so I now leave daggerford.

I am stung with disappointment, regrets, and sadness. I wish I never came back. I have found myself losing many of those I would have called friends. The death of Jondo has hit me harder then I would admit. Sometimes I wonder what he would say to me now.

I have also lost the trust of Banu and his associates. It made me realise the bonds I thought I had were of thin paper, easily torn asunder. I wish they could understand the depths of my feelings. Banu seemed eager to pawn me off to the nearest person. He did say I'm nothing but trouble, and that for some reason people question his honour by associating with him. In truth I had no idea I had such a reputation. I know he considers me a vile witch. I realise that now. I was such a fool. He was willing to pay thousands just to be rid of me.

I bet your wondering how did the tournament go... I missed it. I had an errand at the last moment, tried to come back as fast as possible, and missed it by a hair! I am so disappointed. My last chance to show that I exist to the church and I missed it! My last... moment, in daggerford... gone!

My hand felt my heavy pouch, all the gold I saved up for months to gain entry. Now its just useless metal. I don't even feel like an Ilmatari anymore. I never had but I always had this hope that maybe I could be. Even that hope I've lost.

I wanted to storm off, but then something caught my eye. I paused... wondering if my day could get any worse. Yes, it could I realised.

A terrible rumor had started circulating of me. I felt this terrible pit in my stomach, the kind when you realise your life really is over. The final swing of the blade on the neck. Suffice to say, it was a rumor that could only hurt me but be terribly amusing to everyone else. I have been called many things in my life, but I don't think this was ever on my list. How could I have an affair with any man? Men wouldn't be able to stand the sight of me. I can't stand the sight of me!

They would hound me and drag my heart across broken glass, with their vicious tongues uttering vile words. I realised at that moment, just how much I have lost. How I could not even trust Banu anymore. I could not stand the city a moment longer, and immediately booked passage as far away as I could afford.

Isendir was with me to the end. He was quick to tell me, there is no shame in admitting I was on the wrong path. It does feel wrong now. Sadly the Illmatari are all I have. I can easily break my vow, I do not consider a vow made in dishonesty a binding agreement. Some of them will think it is I who abandoned them, but they did it to me first. However... I can not stop feeling sadness for those who hurt around me. This much remains true.

I don't know what to do.

**********************************************************

Being on this ship, I can still see Isendirs silhouette, his shining eyes looking at me with some strange expectation on the docks. Did he think he could pull me back, just by a look? I couldn't bear to watch any further, and crumpled into the solid wood of the ship. Some stared at me, thinking me sea sick. They could never understand my sickness. For a while I took comfort in the dead moist wood, its scent stirring a feeling in my blood. The tears I shed that nobody could ever see mixed with the salty sea, leaving not a trace. A reflection of my life.

This is not the first time I had to leave my adopted home, nor will it likely be the last time. As I go to my new home, I find myself already making plans for the time when my welcome is once again worn out. A number of places do spring to mind. I am glad faerun is so large.

Its funny how this part of my plans in life almost always come to pass. When none of my other plans do. Indeed this journey was considered the moment I stepped into daggerford, being welcomed by smiles and friendly banter.

My journey across faerun will forever be a lonely one.

[orangetree]

In triboar, I find myself with calm once more. Though I suppose I have substituted one problem for another.

Enemies are easy to deal with. you either avoid them, or you kill them. Sometimes you negotiate with them, depending on how much trouble you are in, or how powerful they are. The rules are fairly clear cut.

A friend... hm...

What can I say about friends, when I have had such little ability to keep them? I feel like theres something wrong with me. Its as if theres a barrier around me that stops me from touching them and they touch me. The only way they can do it is by attacking me sharply, cracking the ice around me. For such reasons, they almost become enemy to me. Though I know the world is not truly that simple, I can not help but react in pain.

Wolfril, seems... to like me. In that particular way I thought should be impossible. Im not human. Im just a pitiful monster. Elven blooded and mentally disturbed by it. Even in lands where its acceptable to have my appearance, I am unable to change my ways and thinking.

It may simply be hes saying he likes me out of pity. I hate pity...

I wonder if I can start looking for a way to really be human. After all, druids can turn into animals.. that I am half human it shouldn't be too hard... right? But then... it would be a lie. A lie that I would see in a hundred years time when all that I know has died and I must endure another hundred years. How many generations will I see wither before their time? I'm... sure its not really true. Besides, I don't even know what I am. Only what I am marked to be. For all I know some wizard gave me the appearance of a half elf just to make everyone hate me. Yes! it is the elf that could be the illusion...

I feel uncomfortable of anyone liking me in this way. But then I think.. why not simply let it happen? Certainly I deserve some happiness for all I have suffered? Why allow myself to be dragged down into self pity when there should be more to life?

Yes... I look like a half elf... im in a land which accepts me... Wolfril likes me enough to want to see me as I really am. He might.. just laugh at me though. Probably at my silliness for such a small and minor thing... but its not small to me.

I thought about if I went on a... civilised dinner with Wolfril I might be able to style my hair to make the elven ears less noticeable. I trained the hair around them, my ears seem to twitch on their own as if annoyed at me for the touch, instantly undoing my work. I just glared at them, just as they defiantly stood out proudly no matter what I did.

But then I saw my eyes needed to be hidden now, they were changing too. I looked at my entire frame, feeling suddenly downcast. My increased activity, as well as the spell I use to call upon the inherent quickness has been slowly changing me. Indeed were I not dressed as... as heavily as with my black cloak, I could look very elven. I couldn't let wolfril see this... not a chance.

[orangetree]

*a crumpled page is returrned*

All that I am, which are you,
That which I see, its strikes at me so,
The life I've lead, so bitter sweet,
But now I have found you and also me.

He loves what I hide in hate,
The elven blood is my taint,
Yet they say it is not bad,
For I may sing and dance,

Mortal and immortal, blended within.

Why do I hate you so,
that which I see and yet is also me,
There are many that would believe,
You are afterall very pritty.

The lies that you speak,
even to yourself indeed.
The alien writes this as much as thee.
For she is also me.

You can not know why you write,
For within you there is more then meets the eye,
I am lost and alone,
But within me the voices roam.

Why do you hide and flee,
You will only hurt yourself please see,
You are me,
We are not enemies.

I need not hear these words,
I do only as I please.

He wants more then I can give,

You refuse to give what you want,

My mind is like a hive,
Each cell telling me I can't.

But you are Queen in your own right,

Who are you that tells me so,

Is it not established I am you as you are me.

But no part of me is right and true.

Lies and lies, you must see this through.

He acts in haste do not fear,
That he wants you as a woman is but clear,
For elf blood or not, that is what you are,
Do not let blind anger drive you so far.

Is this a dream or fever of the wine?

No, its but real and right

Pause and be still as both human and elf,
There is nothing wrong with your self.

[Arkan Bladesinger]

Whoa, just realized I´ve not yet complimented your writings of Sylvia´s life although I´ve read them many times, so hear goes...

Awsome and touching tales of an awsome and touching char! I feel lucky and honoured to have been able to watch some of this "over your shoulder"

[Audark]

*researches new clerical spell "dispel emo"*

heh its a rough life she leads, and she makes friends with people who tend to die on her. It's interesting to see how personally she takes everything in the world. I do look forward to how you treat situations ebcause they are so astounding different than the standard in alfa.

[orangetree]

I know I have not written in a long time. I suppose its because for a very long time, I feel genuinely happy. Its been difficult to be where I am, but there is an almost serene feel to me now. My ice magic is gone, except for the most basic kinds. Its been replaced by a fire magic I have not yet been able to master. Also I have found a strange affinity for lightning magics. The attraction to these spells are unexplainable.

I worry of the Thayan "merchants". Everyone knows where theres a red mage theres trouble. They claim they want no trouble, of course and I am terribly fearful of their power. I saw a man turned to stone instantly. That they can do so with incredible casualness is daunting. I would rather not become the bug they make an example of.

Yet I am drawn to their mysteries all the same. My life has always had mysteries, who I am and what my parents are, what are the true secrets of the elves...

I often enjoy collecting a secret or two now. But it seems so do the thayans... how much do they know of me? That red mage talked as if he knew everything about me. Part of this could simply be theatrics, hes not said anything that isn't publicly known... but my instinct says otherwise. I believe they make it a point to know the spellcasters in an area as well. That I am a sub-standard sorceress probably means they are not too bothered.

To work greater magics is so hard. Wizards have it easy. They just write it in their book, memorise it, half cast it.. then they simply... do it. Its like they have a sling in their mind, already taught. But I on the other hand have to pull that sling, again and again. Its so hard.

Wolfril gave me a new dress.I put on the dress in secret when nobodies looking. I look like a completely different person. but then my ears twitched as if demanding I acknowledge them. Wolfril had given me a matching hood, and I put it on with that same defiance.

People seem to more easily notice I'm of elven blood. I'm sure its my eyes. I look at them all the time and I know their changing. I pull at the skin sometimes trying to make them a more human shape but theres not a lot I can do. If Wolfril noticed hes not said anything.

Part of me wonders now though... why should I really care? Alice saw me without my hood and she thought I was pretty. People accept elven bloods in these lands, I have never had trouble of it in the months I spent here. I just feel so embarrassed though. The taunts of "ratgirl" from back home whisper to me every time I try to show more of myself. Why did I have to have such big ears? I suppose everyone has to have a blemish somewhere and maybe I got off easy... at least I can hide it for as long as I like.

[orangetree]

Wolfril saw me without my hood.

My hair, dark blond was a tangled mess as always. I always tended to keep it short, but had neglected doing so lately.

He smiled, and I could feel myself freezing. Was he going to laugh? I look like such a rat... I hated the itchy feeling of my hair against my ears.

He placed his hand across my cheek, then passed a finger along the tips of my hateful elven ears. I braced myself, feeling the strangely alien pleasure of this intimacy. I had contentment, but It was ruined when my ear twitched of its own accord. Either by being exposed to the air, or the strange feelings the contact stirred in me.

I felt myself flush in embarrassment. All those old feelings of shame welled up inside me and I could feel my hands already moving to my hood to hide. I was even prepared for Wolfril to laugh, but he did no such thing.

He simply said they were a part of me, and love me as I am.

Then I became embarrassed of my embarrassment. No, really, I did.

He leaned into me, kissing.

What is happening to me? Am I really in love? I always thought I would never know love if I saw it. Love is as strange as the elf inside me and just as senseless.

I think I am learning though.

[KalevD]

Truly, this is a sign of the apocalypse.


Hehe, joking aside, fantastic to see some good things happening to Sylvia...........finally.

[Audark]

*Throws a parade*

I swear, whoever does anything to muck this up, I will find out IC and hunt them down

[psycho_leo]

*Throws a parade*

I swear, whoever does anything to muck this up, I will find out IC and hunt them down

+1

[PensivesWetness]

*Throws a parade*

I swear, whoever does anything to muck this up, I will find out IC and hunt them down

+1

if only i could log on more often....