Dark laments of a half-elf

[orangetree]

With all that's happened, all the events of my past, I feel them weighted like anchors. Some people I meet, are eager to remove them from me.

Why do I cling on to them so, let them hold me back? Why can't I just cast it aside, and be free as I am meant to be. Perhaps I have gotten used to my past.

Any sane person would forget it, and look at the happiness around her. There is one in particular I think of; aaylia. We had met once before, long ago. She's still the same though. Perhaps she thinks that of me as well. Shes so... bright, and cheerful. So bloody happy. "Insists" on playing matchmaker to try and fix me with people. She dresses like a whore though. Maybe that's also why I get angry. I've seen the men cast their gazes on her, and I'm sure she knows it to. She loves it.

I remember being forced to dance for my gold, back in shadowdale. It wasn't easy. I wanted to kill them all. But if I dressed in the same way as Aaylia, they would be appalled and sickened, seeing my alien flesh.

Aalyia is not... a bad person.

Why do I dislike someone that is simply being kind to me? Going out of their way in fact, to try and help me, perhaps even understand me. Perhaps I do not deserve such kindness, and lash out at it. Or maybe its seeing again that stare on her.

No.. I am not jealous.

[Rusty]

She dresses like a whore though.

N.B. She likes having this pointed out to her.

[orangetree]

I have travelled with a companion for weeks. Jarrid...

Its a strange feeling, travelling with someone. I am a loner after all. I have certainly teamed with others when fighting a powerful enemy, but to simply journey for weeks on end with someone, is a different experience entirely.

Often I have looked at him, and thought what is being said, without being said... I have gone hours without speaking, and he the same. The sad truth is, this could well be the closest I could ever get to romance with any man. It was often so with Nailo. I loved and hated that bard we exchanged words often... but with Jarrid, I do not get these feelings. Its not so much a love hate relation, as more as simply reading one another.

Jarrid nearly died, to a strange creature I later learned, called a howler. It ran right up to us, I tried shooting it, but I was too slow. My stupid fingers! It lunged at me, getting a lock to my belt. It tore out a decent bit of flesh, but my form was held with magical spells and I seemed to hold together. I back paced and gained some distance, then I saw Jarrids panicked look. His sword was held high, and he rammed into the beast. It cut into him, smashing and denting his armor like it was but tissue. I couldn't believe how much punishment he took. I thought I could hear him cry out the name of his god, but all I could do was throw spell upon spell at the creature, slowly chipping at its hide. I hoped Jarrid could last, I saw the white of his bones towards the end.

The attack ended, with the howler lying dead. Jarrid uttered his prayer and became whole... my wounds were bad, but recovering. a very simple prayer stitched me up. Not even a scar... I never seem to scar.

For hours we just stood there, looking at the carcase. We were thinking how close to death we had come... how for one instance, we were fighting for our lives, and in the end we both survived simply because we both risked. We dared to stand, we dared to stay, we dared to fight. Had either of us run away, the other would have died. Not so this day.

He took me to Xonthals Keep. What could any man or woman have to fear of this place, I wonder. It was a simple castle, the stones were new and solid. But in its simplicity ley its great strengths. Power emanated from its walls, its floors, the wax that burned on each candle.

There was a presence I could not deny... and I felt afraid. Very afraid. Jarrid once said to me, that it was fine to be afraid. There is only one thing in this world to truly fear... perhaps I was right to feel what I did.

I could neither deny the power... the absolute order this land had imposed. I was shown the dungeons... I suspect he wanted to see my reaction. Was he disappointed by my neutral look I wonder? All castles have a dungeon... it was simply the normal way of things. I have seen the dark aspects of the world so often.

What am I doing here though? I want to get away from people owning me, does Jarrid seek to own me? Though perhaps... in a more subtle way then others have? I do not think so... he wants me as part of his family perhaps. Heh... does he even know what a freak I am?

Jarrid however, has taught me one thing. He is a man of great faith, and yet he fears that which he has faith upon... perhaps others could never understand this, but I can. Indeed, there is one I fear... I fear him so much, and yet he is a part of me.. within.

Father.... who are you? What are you? You spoke that we would be together once I understand. Is this what I am to understand? That to have faith does not necessarily mean no fear? I do fear you, it is true... I trust your words when you speak them, but I can not deny the feelings of flight. But that they are there, I can take a leap.. I can only hope you can forgive me for loosing the staff, but I wonder if this has worked out well anyway... be you who ever you are, I want the truth.

Tomorrow, I travel to daggerford now. I will not be staying there too long, as I feel it is time for a change of scenery. That's right.. I choose. Me, Sylvia.

Part of me wonders if my time to die is approaching. Things are shifting, changing, the lines of good and evil even more of a blur then usual. Ever since I tried to stop those slavers in daggerford I've been getting a strange feeling in my heart.

Dare I believe.. it is not cold anymore?

[orangetree]

Damn it I can't sleep.

Its night now. I've been given a guest room, its certainly different then all those inns. The bed is soft, and clean. The castle sounds are different at night, sometimes I can hear a clang of someone walking by. The sound that affected me the most was the wind. It vibrated through each corridor, howling and whispering. Almost like the trees in a forest, but... dead.

I am not afraid of the wind. I just can't seem to sleep. At some point I layed on my side, and there was a familiar pain on the ear I slept on. I heard elves tended to sleep sitting up, something they call revere. I think I can understand one reason they do it. I don't have that luxury.

I went to a mirror, looking at the me before it. My hair was a mess, so I gave it a quick run through. Its the first time I saw my face without the hood on in weeks. I suddenly felt very self conscious, as if eyes were on me. I glanced quickly to the door, knowing I had locked it.

Yeah... with my hair a mess, my elfin ears were so.. obvious. Sticking out like some rat's. The fabric of the hood had irritated the skin a bit. I cant help it when they twitch or anything. I ran my finger on one ear, to its pointed end suddenly feeling a well of shame and embarrassment. Then I got angry. I was a freak. I saw the image distort itself, seeing some.. strange creature. Its eyes were haunted, and strange. It was alien. Not Human.

The thought came to simply have my ears cut, I know many who would brandish the knife like that. But then I'd just be a mutilated freak. Besides, nothing could be done about the hundred of other little things. Perhaps I could have an illusion on me. It might make me happier anyway.

Its strange... I could feel my staff as if it were right next to me.

[orangetree]

Hells what a day!

I saw my first Dragon. Along with everyone else in Daggerford. I was terrified, awed, I uttered a general prayer to any merciful god able to hear me, knowing even that is not going to help.

The beast blocked out the sun of the entire city. Tendrils of shadows crept along the sky, only a faint outline of its wings could be seen. I dare not presume to know what kind of dragon it was, but the only name that seems fitting is Shadow Dragon.

I use this name for a number of reasons. The elf Nawen spoke of being attacked by shadows. Its times like this I wish I knew more of such things, but I am not without some wit.

Wanted posters of Nawen claim that she is in fact a drow descendant known as Triel. Personally, I really did want to apprehend her for the gold, but there were a few things stopping me. For one thing, I like to live.

Now then... could I start joining the dots of these events? As an elf, Nawen would be unlikely to yield further information as it "would not concern us". I've heard that line so many times I just feel like strangling the next one that says it.

It is clear however, that whether Nawen or someone impersonating her, someone has made a very big enemy. That dragon must be the key. What I need to do is retrace Nawens steps. The secret is in daggerford somewhere of this I am certain. This Triel, is possibly in Waterdeep. The fact that Nawen (assuming she is indeed Nawen) wont turn in Triel also speaks volumes.

Do I regret letting Nawen go? A little. There wasn't much choice, it wasn't up to me. I just like acting as if it was. I imagine we wont be seeing Nawen in a while... I think i'm going to miss her, in some.. small way. I know what being on the run is like. Accused of a crime, people after you, nobody to trust or turn to.. if there is a god that would take pity on such people, I'd offer her a prayer.

In a way, I missed doing this. Joining the dots of people is what I do best.

My crisis of spirit is far from resolved. I keep expecting one of Banes agents to ask if I have made up my mind. This is such a difficult choice. I was content with the wall, as there seemed no other choice. Finally having one.. I don't know what to do.

Those I opened up to have told me rather simply, I am free to do what I want but when I go to Bane they'll have to kill me. Sheesh... these people just don't understand. I only want to be happy. What kind of a world is it where people can kill you simply because of the god you worshiped? If there were only one god, we certainly wouldn't be fighting over that.

There is one thing I do fear... if I say no, will the banites kill me? Perhaps I should just try and disappear again.

[Ros-King]

I think I can speak for alot of people when I say your character defines the struggle that is being a half-breed. Please keep up the wonderful stories, as I look forward to reading your next addition.

-Ros

[Lasterx]

+1 for me, If I was you I'd tell that no good hoodlum banite priest to get bent! Isn't like you don't have enough problems

[orangetree]

I saw the army of the undead approach.

So many were "killed". Strange though, I remarked that I could not remember how many undead Ive killed, but I could the number of people and to a lesser extent, the numbers of monsters and animals...

The priestess Julia, I feel a measure of respect for. She drove deeper and deeper into the army. Hells, what was she thinking? A part of me recalled that she goes with a god, and therefore is far more stronger then any of us especially against the undead.

I guess I did not listen to that part of me. I too drove deeper, digging deeper and deeper within myself for the power to destroy this abominations. Something in my skin crawled with every breath I took. The rotting corpses animated by magic, just screamed death and decay with no release.

Could this be the true fate of my soul, in the wall?

My thoughts were halted as I suddenly found an undead right before me. I felt my legs stop working, all I could look at was the pus filled eyes, leaking into cavities I never knew the human body had. It grabbed me, tore my dress, before I could even load my crossbow. I reached for my dagger, and gave it a good swipe at the chest. Black blood poured out, much as sand in an hourglass. The creature was taller then me, and swiped at my hood. I froze, feeling exposed.

I didn't want to be here, I realised. I just wanted to fade away... as if answering those feelings, the magic made me invisible.

Being a ghost.. a real ghost is strange. Undead do not see me, nor do most of the living.. these are the real shadows of my existence. Not the dark cloud of darkness I once held, that was just an expression from a corner of my heart; an area I have long shut out. This ghost, this feeling.. was... me.

This was indeed strange. I became aware of the others, were they cornered? Should I intervene? Should I run? Jondo was within easy reach, and so I made him a ghost. Is this really a gift, I wondered. I then turned my gaze up the hill, tens of undeads were massing towards the priestess.

I just... walked past them, watching with a strange fascination. None of the undead paid me heed, I was after all just like them.

Hollow.

I saw Julia, she was.. magnificent. Alive. Powered by the faith of one of the great gods, Kelemvor. He whom I will have a very interesting chat with someday. For a moment I hesitated. Am I really helping? Would Kelemvor be really angry with me, if I helped?

I Saw the massing undead. Julia was nice to me, so I made her a ghost that we might have a better chance to get away.

So we were, three ghosts in the light.. leaving the piles of bodies, to their final rest.

********************************************************

I realised it was time for a new change of clothing. My dress from Loudwater was completely torn up. I explained I desired something modest, the clerks seemed baffled. All the items they had seemed designed to show off ones assets. Fashion.. urgh.

Eventually I settled on something, it was black. A nice colour, though I feel more in touch with greys. Perhaps I shall change it later. I was given a new matching cloak and hood. It was expensive, but i was told they were built for comfort.

I don't believe it though, they used some kind of expensive animal for the inside of the hood. It was far more rough and coarse. Its going to irritate my ears forever. If its not one thing its another...

*********************************************************

I have a secret to tell.

I know the people who are next to die.

They are usually the ones nicest to me. The ones who offer me something, a place, a home, a hope... perhaps that banite priest will die given that logic. I thought Julia would be next... but now there was another, a new recruit. He seemed.. nice. I only shared a drink with him, but my instincts are not usually that wrong.

Walking down the road, I found him lying near death. A part of me, distinctly human laughed. The other part of me, the alien, didn't seem to care one way or the other. For a moment I watched him, I could almost believe him sleeping. I blinked, and before I realized it I was already pouring the last of my potion into his mouth.

Its a blur from there, I took him to the church I suppose. The experience was surreal. Defying the gods can be fun sometimes. I know I am cursed, to never have friends, to always be on the outside of things, but this time I was able to make a difference.

Maybe he'll die next week.

As for me, I'm sure the gods will continue to tempt and torture me, giving me tantalizing hope then removing it. The human laughs again, and so I laugh.

[Brimsar the Wanderer]

As someone who has had both PCs befriend Sylvia and DMing the "Dark Temptress".... this set of stories is truely both awesome and very insightful.

I look forward to reading more of these as well as RPing with Sylvia again in either fashion.

WELL DONE!!

[foaloke]

Absolutely great. I really love the, dare I say, humanity of Sylvia's tale. Can't wait to hear more of her tormented internal dialogue.

[orangetree]

We won.

Necred is dead, most of the children were taken away to safety.

My stomach heaves though and I feel unsure of anything anymore. Let me start at the beginning.

*****************************

We were in the inn. A typical day, nothing too special. Suddenly Aurum came in a burst of light. These powerful sorts have few manners... not that I'd be the one to tell him. Anyway, he took the magical staff from Meradoc and then we were told of children being captured by the undead, so we travelled to rescue them. I had no idea how many there were. So many undead, and my weapons were useless. I wont bore you with their ugliness and smell. You already know it.

Cheap Daggerford iron! I swear I need a better weapon.

fighting, inch by inch, eventually some of the children were found. It was like being struck in the face by a hammer. I became haunted by past images. I saw them, and saw myself at that age... they cried so hard and were so scared... I saw in my minds eye, a childs death. I made him take the arrow meant for my heart.

Slowly, I saw myself killing them all. I could actually see it... these children were going to die by me. I saw them take a step back, afraid. Yes.. they were afraid of me. I said someone has to take care of them.. Dalia, a priestess of the Broken God agreed.

I said I would too. Why did I do that? Looking back on it now, I think perhaps the madness took over.

******************************************************

So there we were, two women taking care of half a dozen children. The room was set up and locked, to be as safe as possible, with us guarding it. In truth I had no idea how we would attack the undead, our weapons were not able to penetrate their skin even. The rest of the group went further into the mansion, we could hear the fights become fainter and fainter.

The children kept quiet for the most part. They kept on looking to us, but I think they looked more to Dalia more. Shes.. so much better. Warmer. I'm just so bitter, cold, and angry I made myself as useful as I could doing my job. I tried to think only about the work.

I felt I had enough power to make the children as ghosts, and let them flee. I hoped it would not come to that. I was a coward though. The others were doing the real work, and I took the first excuse to do something reasonably safe. That must be why I chose to remain.

I was afraid.

I didn't know the priestess would volunteer for it. She thinks I care, I don't know anymore.

It was so hard being with her. I wanted to rip appart undead not stand still and begin to feel... things. There was a lot of silence, but also a great deal of talk. in the pit of my heart, I think she will die soon. The curse is still in effect, and Ive not enough gold to resurrect her. I hate it when people are nice to me.

Still I could see death. I was so sure these children were going to die, and it would be my fault. Dalia would die defending them, and I would run for my life. Selfish.

One of the warriors came, and called for Dalia desiring his injuries healed. After she obliged, he left again. I must have accidently made myself invisible. I asked news of the fights, but he seemed not to hear. Babysitting doesn't exactly get you any respect among these warriors. I felt mortified. Some more children were ushered to our care. They paused seeing me... children can tell when your different.

I didn't know how long the room would remain safe.

Dalia, and I talked. Her eyes seemed to probe past all my defences. I don'y know how much of me she knows. I wanted to talk to someone, and that seemed like the best time. She gave me this small stone amulet of the crying god.

Its a nice amulet. Simple, and I like that I guess. Im not sure how to take a gift. I keep it next to the key, the Banites gave me... its just an amulet... its just a key... but I see two roads, two destinies... and me, bound for a third road.

After an eternity we were given the all clear and could finally take the children away back to daggerford. We left Orlimbar, with them. I was.. happy. None died. That was until I heard the words...

"I think we left two behind"

I was furious. Angry. I was so upset. I wanted to strangle Meradoc for allowing the situation. The image of that arrow killing that child persisted. It would take another day to get back, and rightly we should go back.

I'm no hero though... I think i'm just doing this out of guilt. Why else would I do it. I don't care about anything. I don't.

******************************************************

It was decided we travel back the next day, spending this day in rest. I was so struck I didn't even hear Dalia ask me to help cook. I just nodded and walked.

Let me tell you something about cooking. I hate it. I can't cook a decent meal except for simple things. Nothing works. I was asked to peel potatoes, and I did so badly. I threw one away as i had cut myself on it. Still I looked at Dalia. She learned to cook from her mother.

I couldn't help but wonder of my own mother. I assume I did have one.

Maybe.

Dalia called me her little sister. I felt part angry, part confused and the rest unsure. Sister? Little? I'm not little, and I'm not anyone's sister. I'm nothing to anyone, except what I offer in magic and power.


************************************************************

Travelling back to the mansion, I felt a measure of happiness it wasn't as guarded this day. Obviously they felt nobody was stupid enough to attack the day after. We disposed of some lesser zombies as before.

I looked closer into various corners looking for a huddled scared child. I saw indescribable things in there. I saw bodies scattered everywhere. A particular sight, that of children ripped appart made my stomach turn and I lost my dinner. Im so embarrased I covered it up as best I could.

We opened the door to a new chamber, upon which was an undead worm.

It was a creature I had never seen before, the smell was poison and made my muscles weakened. I couldnt even stand. They talked of fighting it, and tactics... then we heard a scream and knew we either go ahead or turn back. Hearing a second scream of a child, we decided to press on.

The door was openned and i ran and rushed with speed, instantly being slowed by its spells. Still I ran, eyeing only the door. I cast my spell of flying dagger, to deal with the undead slug. It might as well have been a flea to it. Meradoc and Banu managed to kill it. How did they do it?

*********************************************************

Opening the next chamber, we came across the dungeons. There, we saw an undead child.

I was prepared for this sight.

Honestly.. at least I thought I was. However I found myself frozen and unable to fight. I raised my crossbow... I wanted to find another way. Maybe resurrect him.

The others had already drawn their swords and simply attacked him. The zombie child raised a fleshy hand on me.. it hurt me... was it confused? Was nothing left of him? Still I did not fight back. The others came to my rescue and killed it.

As I saw his corpse fell, I felt sick.

Another child, this time normal, was found in the next cell. I tried to give her assurance. i must have been stiff, it did not feel natural. I don't know why people think expressing compassion is natural, its not to me.

I must have scarred her for life.

***********************************************************

In leaving, we had an encounter with Necred. The evil vampiric creature. I suddenly felt as if we had indeed lost. We could not possibly fight him. We were barely surviving his minions. I was glad he felt like toying with us first... he isntantly killed the girl. Maldana was her name...

I used that moment to run like hell as others fought. Cowardly. But there was nothing left.

I just ran, and kept running while the others decided to attack. I thought they would die.. part of me hoped they would die. I was ashamed to run. He was too powerful. You either fight or flee. I fled.. I fled so fast I couldn't think straight. I tasted the sunshine, it was the best in my life.

I waited on the dock and found them.. they didn't say anything... but I think they were disapointed in me. I was a coward and deserve a beating. I abandoned them.. but didn't they say to run? Shouldn't they be in trouble for trying to fight? Yet.. they killed him. They actually killed him.

So our mission was a success. Many lived... we had no casualties. Only two of the captured children died... Necred was prosumed dead... I don't know why I feel so sad.

My hand fumbles the amulet of of the broken god. Part of me wanted to throw it. I couldn't bring myself to do it though. I don't usually recieve a gift with no string attatched.. maybe the string is hidden.. maybe I should give it back. Why does it look at me accusingly?

I look forward to seeing Dalia again though. I think. I also dread it. I'm supposed to help her out in the mosque. I suppose it can't hurt. I mean they are children, I'm not a monster... yet.

********************************************

Sorcerers are monsters.

Its true.

That's the only explanation. I have never met a sane sorcerer, including myself. I had an interesting talk with John, and we both knew certain truths. Its funny how I could strike such a repore with a stranger, who had likely seen far more then I had ever dreamed.

We talked of things without words. Things that had to be talked about without being thought. A simple..acknowledgement on the truth of certain people.

Yes.. her.

Just thinking about her, I feel fear and dread. I shake so hard I can't take thinking about it much less writing about it.

But to know someone else knows, I have a measure of comfort. One of these days ill have to write a list of people likely to kill me, so everyone has some idea who would murder me.

Sorcerers though, are different kinds of monsters. He spoke of one with a third eye. Some gnome.. I can't help but wonder of myself.. what would my powers make of me, how much of a freak will I become. How ugly i was already.

This is not wizardry, its unpredictable sorcerery as powerful as a dream or nightmare. If this sorcerer gained a third eye by accident, perhaps she got off lightly. There are other stories of such things far worse.

I fear what I could become. My body could betray me, and I could become another. Already I feel different, when I call on my spell of movement. The blood stirs and I move with a grace beyond what the spell does.

I'm becoming alien, more and more, every time I use it.

This is the truth of all sorcerers... I just feel it more. I know it. In knowing it, I am sane. I keep my sanity.

For now.

[psycho_leo]

Wow. Very nice reading. Keep them coming.

Just two corrections though. The slug thing we killed was Necrid (that we killed). The big bad vampire we found at the end is Nyevage, and that one is still alive (sort of) and really pissed.

[orangetree]

thanks psycho. very confusing moment i had no idea what was going on

[orangetree]

The madness came back.

Have you every wondered what madness truly is? If it works, it could be called genius. I am not sure i would call myself a genius, but in some ways I was rather clever, but equally very foolish.

I hover between the edge of madness and certainty. The darkness within, is held in check because I allow it a freedom. Not total freedom, but some. It is but another side of me, and is equally as valid as who I also am. You might consider me fragmented in mind and constantly in argument with myself.

The balances inside me tip and sway on a scale, the feelings I have push them one way or another.

***********************************************************

The shadows hovered around, and my blood stirred with them. Such pain, loneliness, I felt an incredible empathy. I did not want to feel this.. I did not want it to touch me, but it didn't need to go far.

The dark hole within, the symbiont of my rage and source of power woke just a fraction. The feelings it called upon, the deep well of my darkness became unleashed.

While I wish I can remember perhaps it is best I do not. Dalia was red eyed, and must have shed tears. Moristan looked at me strangely... a look of... lust? sadness? Despair? Fear? Something was there, beyond all this...

Dalia held the stone amulet she had given me. What in the world did I do? They did not seem injured, I was somewhat thankful. Dalia bade me outside, lost and confused I did so. She then tied my hands.

At first I wanted to struggle. The after effects of.. what ever had happened had fatigued me. It was like looking through a fog, and all I could see was Dalia. Her voice was soothing, like the flow of a river in the dark night.

It became clear they wanted to take me somewhere... a thought sprung in my paranoia, were they intent on killing me? I felt panic for an instance. Had they seen the thing in me, that made me a danger? Was I to be sacrificed in the name of all that was good?

I do not know why I did not struggle. Perhaps I felt if anyone was to kill me, it might as well be Dalia. But no... there was something else. I did not struggle because I trusted her.

I trust someone other then myself. What of fears of betrayal? Were they not showing signs of betraying me there and then? So many unanswered questions... why are my hands tied, why are we going to the mosque?

Why does Moristan look at me, with such... strangeness?

[orangetree]

The doors of the gate swung open by themselves. I wanted to say something, but it drowned in my throat. All I could do was think it, knowing it was heard by him.

Father...

I am made of darkness. I was made for evil, to bring sorrow and despair to this world. It became obvious, as I could feel those burning red eyes around me. My hands were still tied and I could not fight.

Dalia would be helpless. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. Sweet gods, the priestess was so brave. She was fighting the shadows for me. Take me.. don't take her. Shes good and pure in this world, take what you wanted.. take me..

All this I wanted to say. But it was never said. I did not want to be taken by anything. Dalia's body snapped like a twig, invisible hands tore and gouged at her. Such pain she was in.

I looked at her broken body, my hands still tied.

Now it was my turn...

I smiled at the darkness. I genuinely smiled. I was ready to die. It bartered my soul for that of the priestess's. How I envied her, her soul really is her own... It could not be bartered. That left only death.

I closed my eyes, ready for the final blow. My last thoughts were to have been of the priestess. I do not know why she did all this. Why did she put up with me?

I am... not worthy of her friendship, and yet there it was. Genuine friendship.. kinship even. A sister.

The attack never came, for a while all was still. I came to my senses and saw to her body... it breathed yet, perhaps there was still a chance.

"Illmetar, if you are there, please heal her... I will do anything."