Ya'bergh Silverwind: What they do to elves in prison

[Inaubryn]

The guard said that his name was Big Hurt, a comment I only slightly managed to hear as I was distracted by the rather large half-orc, who had thought it a good idea that I inspect the coarseness of his musty chest hair up close by pressing the sweaty bulk of his chest against my face. "Yes, quite exquisite indeed," I said, the words escaping the sides of my mouth since all sound that would have proceeded forward was now blocked by three hundred pounds of combined orc and human flesh. The guard then made it quite clear that this... Big Hurt person, planned to... how do I say this tactifully... become extremely acquainted with me over and over and over again. This was disturbing to say the least, as I was sentenced to what would most certainly be a long three nights in the Westgate city jail. And just to think, all this began when I stepped into the Blackboot to ask for directions to the market. A brute, calling himself Chaos, attempted to pummel me into unconsciousness. Well, I do so enjoy a good pummeling just as much as the next person, but I explained to this... Chaos person that I was on a tight schedule and would need to arrange to be pummeled some other time. Let me just say, that worked like a charm. Me? Three days incarceration for engaging in a street brawl? I was merely tactically retreating and was followed out into the streets only to be accosted by this lug. I am the victim here and will have a reprieve from such nonsense. Yes, well that argument did not convince the judge either. But, I digress.

As I was in no position to become better acquainted with Big Hurt nor did I wish to suggest any positions to him, I politely asked for a continuance, and if at all possible, a reprieve. Well, he would not hear of it. No matter how eloquently I spoke, no matter what arguments I presented, and believe me I presented some rather compelling arguments against my acquainting myself with him, one of which was that he and I should at least sit down to dinner and drinks before we engaged in any casual acquainting of one another, though I had a feeling it was he that would be doing the acquainting. Needless to say, I went zero for two on reprieves. And just to think, I always regarded myself as a very charismatic and persuasive individual, though I seem to have a reverse effect on half-orcs

Big Hurt moved towards me and discarded the remainder of his prisoner's attire, which was a very fashionable light gray, though I found it chafing at times. "Bend over," he said, not even extending so much as a please. "Whatever for?" I replied, "I do not seem to have dropped anything." A hafling a few cells over seemed to taunt me and cheer the orc on. "He's been here a long time and he loves elves." He was joined by a human male in the cell on the other side of ours, who seem to bear some sort of mental issue. That is when I noticed that everyone had their own cell except Big Hurt and Myself. Now, this offended me to no end, but I reasoned that one had to have tenure to obtain an individual cell. Perhaps, I thought, one day I will have the privilege of my own cell as well. What was I saying? I did not plan to be here until one day and I did not plan on becoming acquainted with Big Hurt. I had to think, as there was no way to tactically retreat from within a cell, and think I did. And thought... and thought... and thought... and thought some more. I would have wiled away the hours, my head all full of... forgive me, again I digress. Now you may be asking yourself, how did he have so much time to think with Big Hurt was bearing down on him? Well, let me be the first to tell you that the mind works at lightning speed when getting acquainted with some one begins with the words, "Bend over." So what seemed like an eternity was, in all actuality, only a matter of moments.

"Bend over," the words came again, interrupting my thoughts. My eyes addressed the half-orc in all his naked and well dangled glory, then I looked back up to his face and peered at him with a steely glance. And with all the intimidation I could muster I barked out, "Stop!" I do say he was caught off-guard because he stopped and looked at me with bewilderment in his eyes. "Do you know who the Nightmask are?" I inquired in my scariest villain voice. He dumbfoundedly shook his head in the affirmative. "Well, I am the leader of that organization, the great and powerful... at this point I needed a name. One that struck dread in all whose ears it fell upon. Now, I, normally quick of mind and wit, for some reason could only manage to stammer out the name Auz. "Auz," he repeated as he stared at me blankly. "Yes, yes! The great and powerful wizard... Auz... Kovyn!" Do not ask me how, but it stopped him dead. I stepped forward slightly holding his gaze.

"So... you're obviously the big head here and the men in either of those cells are your testes. There are two types of testes. There are big brave testes and little, mincey minstrel testes." "These are your last words before I bend you over, so make 'em a prayer," he interrupted. I continued, unfettered "Now heads have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell what lies between a woman's legs and they wish a piece. And you thought you smelled what lies between a woman's legs and have brought your two little, mincey, minstrel testes along for a taste. But, you have gotten your priorities muddled up. There is nothing that lies between a woman's legs here. Just a dose from a vial that will make you wish that you had been born a woman. I narrowed my eyes to give myself that I own you look, a trick taught to me by an acquaintance of mine, Killi Palmer. "Like a head," I went on, "you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking and your two little testes are shrinking with you. The fact that you only have the muscle and the desperation of being incarcerated for some time and the fact that I wield dark magics that would render you asunder in mere moments, should precipitate your testes into shrinking your presence. Now... get the hells away from me."

I continued to stare coldly, unflinchingly into Big Hurt's eyes and without a single word more, he backed away and cowered into the corner of the cell. Let me tell you did I breathe an inner sigh of relief. For three days he nay said anything. He did not so much as move to eat his food when it was brought. Needless to say, my time in jail was spent well fed. Upon my release when the guard called out Ya'bergh Silverwind and I gladly leapt to the cell door to be released, I glanced over to see the look of realization that had just crossed the, still cornered, Big Hurt's face. I do not believe I have ever seen someone so angry. I waved my good-byes to them all and told them how much I enjoyed my time in their presence. I did ensure them, however, that I would not be returning anytime soon and hurried up the stone steps and out of the tower as quickly as possible.

Well, as you can see, elves are not well treated in environs such as jails and I thought it only fair to warn any of you who may become embroiled in any sort of illicit activity... watch out for Big Hurt. I am certain he is quite mad and will surely become acquainted with the next elf that enters his cell, regardless of who he claims to be.

Ya'Bergh Silverwind: Common and common Ogres

Ya'Bergh Silverwind: A Date with Thugs

[Joos]

*laughs* Mr Berg certainly tricked Mr Ben Dover good.

[foaloke]

*wipes his brow as he manages a smile*

Glad you made it out... whole?


Seriously, nice read.

[Inaubryn]

Actually, I thought this to be a rather mediocre entry into the Silverwind tales. Just my opinion. The other two are better.

[PensivesWetness]

uh... your selling yourself short boss. that was Great reading.... sir.