Tooting In The Trees (A Were Story)

[Ladellon]

Ahhhhh. I don't think ol' Regor will get around to performing this play again in ALFA. One, it will be hard to top the performance in WD where 20+ players attended and another 3 assisted with various roles on stage. It was amazing for me, even if it did run a bit long. Two, he's now a stand-up pirate comedian and has other worlds to conquer.

So, without any apologies, here is my rendition of some of the events we see recurring in ALFA on a regular basis (current ones having inspired the release of the script.)

Laddy

[Ladellon]

INTRODUCTION


*Regor walks to the stage with a big grin on his face*

Dwarves and hin, lads, lasses and all those who float in between the two classes . . . welcome to the Smiling Siren! *gives a dramatic and sweeping bow*

It is my pleasure, as Artistic Director for Cormanthor Stage Productions, to announce tonight's splendid theatrical performance . . . Tooting In The Trees. *he claps excitedly with a giddy smile*

I must warn you before we begin . . . the creatures you will see tonight on stage, well . . . they may seem terrible and disturbing . . . quite unnatural even. Be assured, however, that they are merely costumed actors. No one will be bitten.

Due to recent local events, however, and the realistic portrayal by the performers, I must insist on one rule this evening . . . do not attack anyone on the stage area with weapons, magic or *glares disapprovingly* verbal affronts. You will be deservedly escorted from the facilities *nods emphatically*

To begin, the house lights will be dimmed *bows and backs up* I give you . . . a dark and mystic forest somewhere to the south. *nods beyond the crowd*

[Ladellon]

ACT ONE


*The lights are dimmed on stage and two voices can be heard traveling through the woods*

[DOOGUD] I'm not sure I'm ready for this, Jamm. Maybe after some more practice, huh?

[JAMM] Nonsense, Doogud. You're ready. Just find a group and start playing. You'll be fine.

[DOOGUD] But what if I'm not good enough?

[JAMM] Don't worry - you've been accepted. There's a careful screening process to ensure only the best players are offered membership. You know that. You don't have to be the best right away, just play. *Jamm begins to sing while walking*

There is no requirement for you to be
a warm, gifting philanthropist with loot, you see,
for there's just one condition - that you have the ambition of
a form-shifting lycanthropist and flute to be
cordially included
in our well secluded
group of woodland woodwind players.

Oh we don't let just anybody in!
First you've gotta have that special kinda skin -
the kind that's been infected.
Some say it's a disease
but trust our expertise -
we say that you've been naturally selected!

Of course you are invited so you're not alone
as long as you possess devices to be blown.
For as a werebeast tooter you'll find there's nothing cuter.
To us that is what suffices to be known
as one who's now included
in our well secluded
group of woodland woodwind players.

No, we don't let just anybody in!
A flute is necessary to begin
networking with your allies
for we all have affection
for the woodwind section -
Among us you'll never need a disguise!

*speaks* Though some think it's a deplorable practice,

*sings* We don't let just anybody in!

*speaks* If everyone joined, it would be chaos, wouldn't it?

*sings* We don't let just anybody in!

*speaks* We've standards to maintain, you know.

*sings loudly* Oh, we don't let just anybody in!

[DOOGUD] *gaping at the audience with an amazed look* Wow, look at all the werebeasts.

[JAMM] *He indicates the crowd with a sweep of his hand* Behold . . . Amn's Lycanthropic Flutist Alliance! Now, if you'll excuse me, I see a certain weredrake with whom I need to speak.

*Jamm strides away with a determined look. Doogud watches the various small groups of werebeasts with interest. Each seems deep in conversation with others or playing melodies on their flutes. Doogud looks at his own flute and a smile slowly creeps across his face as he sings*

[DOOGUD] Yesterday, I pondered how someone like me -
someone so unique and altered just like me -
could accept this unexpected life
yet continue playing his fife.
And now I see . . .
I see for the first time . . .
I think I've found a home where I can be free -
free from rabble ill at ease
just because I rubbed their trees *taps his antlers*

They attempted only to malign . . . and hack
when all I intended was to shine . . . my rack!
But these creatures here, I see,
though they're different are like me.
They will take me in and will not say . . . Go! Scoot!
For like them I simply want to play . . . my flute.
I don't know but just perhaps,
despite my many recent mishaps,
I've finally found a home . . .
I've finally found a home!

Yes, indeed, I know it's true
*pointing* for right there's a werekangaroo!
I've finally found a home . . .
I've finally found a home!
See it once and who could disagree?
*raises his hands in the air triumphantly* I've finally found a home where I can be freeeeeeeeeeeee.

*He ends the song and finds himself in front of a brilliantly colored werecock. He clears his throat and asks tentatively*

[DOOGUD] Excuse me . . .uh, sir. Is that a flute you're playing? *The werecock glances at Doogud and looks away with a contemptible sneer. Doogud looks at the ground and tries again*

I mean, of course it's a flute, of course. What I mean is are you playing by yourself tonight?

[PREW] *haughtily* Listen young mister . . . what are you anyway? A weregnu? *waves his hand dismissively* I am quite involved at the moment and would truly welcome your immediate departure.

[DOOGUD] *somewhat taken aback* Actually, I'm a werebuck, sir. I just thought you could . . .

[PREW] *interrupts* . . . help you? Dear fellow, allow me to enlighten you on that score. *begins to sing*

Well, well, my word, just look at you.
It's very clear that you are new
else you would not be pestering me now.
And so I'll help you out a bit -
what little time I can commit -
and here convey to you what I avow.

I am busy.
Yes, I am busy.
I think it's very clear that I am busy.
Now there is no need for a tizzy
and before you ponder, "Is he?"
I am here to help you realign your thoughts.
Yes, I am busy . . . get lost.

For I could not advance my skill
if every moment I did fill
with mentoring each new member acquired -
I'm uninspired.

*speaks* Oh, do try to pay attention, young sir . . .

*singing again* I am busy.
Yes, I am busy.
I think it's very clear that I am busy.
Now there is no need for a tizzy
and before you ponder, "Is he?"
I am here to help you have a clearer view.
I am busy . . . and I've no time for you.

*turns with a snort* Good day.

*Doogud staggers back with a disappointed look. He is immediately approached by a friendly weretigress*

[RARRY] Don't pay attention to Prew. He's been around too long . . . thinks he's the conductor or something. *Doogud looks pleased but confused as she smiles* I'm Rarry. You must be new to the group. What's your name, mister werebuck?

[DOOGUD] Doogud, and thanks. I am new, just arrived today with Jamm. *Rarry nods her head* But he's gone off and I'm a bit confused about where to begin.

[RARRY] Well, we can play together. I can show you around. Sometimes a new member can show us a few tunes we've not heard before. I see you play flute. *she chuckles as Doogud holds out his instrument proudly*

We ALL play flute here silly. Hmm, that's a rather nice one. Where did you get it?

[DOOGUD] *somewhat sheepishly* You promise not to laugh? It's sort of embarrassing. *Rarry sits on a rock and smiles while listening intently while he looks around* Okay, here's what happened . . . *he sings*

The funniest thing
I can still hear them ring -
the bells he was clanging away on.
Then I heard a foul toot
from an innocent flute
that I knew with more skill I could play on.
So . . . I . . . *smiles* . . . ate the bard!

That's right, I consumed that rank minstrel!
The moon that night shone all around.
pardon the pun but I wolfed him down.
And though I'm no scornful complainer
he tasted spoiled . . . even for an entertainer.
So, since you now press it
I do readily confess it . . .
I ate the bard!

And wouldn't you know
at my very first show
as I struggled to play the flute pleasantly
a musician attending
said he'd put an ending
to my first performance presently.

*speaking* Well, I became enraged as you might suppose . . . and . . . I . . . ate the bard!

That's right I munched that flute critic!
The moon that night shone all around.
Pardon the pun but I wolfed him down.
And I'm not saying it was pleasing.
In fact, he left me gagging and wheezing.
But, since you have asked it
there's no need to mask it . . .
I ate the bard!

Then of course discrimination
and agonizing consternation
led me to this fine flute-playing association
where I made an application
to end my predestination
of being a bard-eater.

Instead, I learn meter . . .
and rhythm . . .
and rhyme
and spend the better part of my time
developing sounds harmonic -
I know, I know, it's all so ironic.
Even now I worry that someday
another were like me will pass and say,
"Be careful bard or I may wolf you down!"

[RARRY] *chuckles* Doogud, you are too funny. You should come to my glade tonight. We're holding a twinking. *she sees Doogud's bewildered look and explains further* A twinking is where some of the more experienced flutists invite new members such as yourself. Playing together, we're able to elevate our music to a higher level . . . you'll really enjoy it. So, will you come?

*Doogud nods enthusiastically. Rarry giggles and walks away. Doogud clasps his hands together and joyously sings*

Oh these creatures here, I see,
though they're different are like me.
I don't know but just perhaps,
despite my many recent mishaps,
I've finally found a home . . .
Yes, I've finally found a home . . . right . . . heeeeeeeeeerrrre!

*Doogud walks back into the trees*

[Ladellon]

ACT TWO


*Regor walks onto the stage and bows*

And now . . . Act Two. *he backs off the stage again*

*several werebeasts come on stage and sit around, talking and playing flutes. A wereskunk walks into the clearing among the other werebeasts looking somewhat hesitant and lost. Doogud approaches the wereskunk with a smile and friendly handshake*

[DOOGUD] Welcome to Amn's Lycanthropic Flutist Alliance, young pup. You've got your flute, right? *the wereskunk shows his flute proudly* Good, good. You've all the necessary tools then.

Tell you what, see that group over there . . . the werehare sitting with the weredrake? Go speak to them and say you've been sent by Doogud. They'll show you a few notes and you'll be playing in no time.

*The wereskunk smiles and walks over to introduce himself to the other two. Rarry approaches Doogud from behind and startles him playfully*

[RARRY] Look at you. You've only been here . . . how long has it been? Three months? And every bit the seasoned veteran. *Doogud laughs* How is it going, really, Doogud? Do you like it here in the alliance?

[DOOGUD] *smiles at Rarry* You're here. I'm here. It's going well enough. Say, I've been meaning to ask you the past few days - have you seen Jamm? *Doogud looks around with a slight frown* I can't seem to find him anywhere.

[RARRY] *looks dismayed* Oh, Doogud, you haven’t heard? He was banned. Oh, it was awful what they did to him – they know he’s afraid of fire.

[DOOGUD] Banned? What happened?

[RARRY] *singing* They flamed him.
They gathered their torches
and drove him away.
They shamed him.
It was horrifying and
I’m embarrassed to say
they proclaimed him
unfit to remain here in the alliance.

[DOOGUD] What does that mean? Where is he?

[RARRY] *singing* He had vision,
he had views
and through derision
he refused
to blindly follow all the conductors planned.
But his dreams
caused a stir
and so it seems
to deter
provocative discussion . . . he was banned!

[DOOGUD] You mean he can never come back?

[RARRY] *singing* They flamed him.
They gathered their torches
and drove him away.
They shamed him.

[DOOGUD] What did he do, Rarry? Tell me, what did he do?

[RARRY] *singing* Oh, why couldn’t he just follow the rules?
Why couldn’t he just put up with the fools
leading this society?
But that wasn’t like him – he’d never stay.
‘Twas progressive thinking that drove him away
for he sought variety . . .
he sought variety.
He longed to introduce an instrument so bizarre
It made some squirm to hear the sound
He called it . . . what was it? Oh, yes . . . a guitaaaaaaaaaaar!

*shrugs and keeps singing*

And now he’s gone, that shining star,
to Lycanthropists On Guitar.
He’s gone to form his own orchestral band
and now is playing with a braaaaand . . .
new sound . . .
and I have found . . .
I have a similar desire to learn about this sound . . .
for myself.

[DOOGUD] And what is so wrong about a different sound . . . a different instrument? Jamm mentioned his idea to me before – a full orchestra - I think it could work. We could have harpsichords, tambors, hurdy-gurdys . . .

[RARRY] *frightened tone* Oh, Doogud, don’t! You’ll be flamed too. Or worse, you’ll be banned just like Jamm. The conductors . . . they don’t like such talk. They like the flute.

[DOOGUD] Isn’t there someone who can help us? Isn’t there someone with enough influence to simply make the suggestion? Perhaps someone with nothing to lose?

[RARRY] *ponders* Well, there might be one werebeast. He’s sort of an outcast – lives out by the raised stone arch - but he has great talent on the flute. At least he did – he doesn’t play much anymore. He’s been banned several times, but continues to receive invitations to return for some reason. *shrugs* He’s been around so long, we just know him as Uncle Bower.

[DOOGUD] Let’s go see him.

*They both walk into the trees, leaving the main clearing and entering a smaller clearing. Sitting on a large rock at the other end is a wereboar who seems to be arguing with himself. Rarry appears to be somewhat tentative. Doogud approaches the wereboar to initiate conversation.*

[DOOGUD] Excuse me, sir. We wondered if you could help us . . .

[UNCLE BOWER] *turns with a glare at Doogud and growls at him in a low voice* Help just you?

[DOOGUD] Uh, well . . .

[UNCLE BOWER] *interrupts* Look around you and you’ll see that everyone needs help. Nothing here but a bunch of whiners and werebeasts who would rather maintain an inferior product than actually dare to display any passion for their talents. Playing solo. Playing the same tune – all of them! No originality, no creativity, no risk . . . no art!

[DOOGUD] That’s why we’re here. We want to do something. We want to make a difference. Help us change what’s going on.

[UNCLE BOWER] Ahhh, a bit of spunk in this one, eh. And here I thought I was the only one with enough guts . . . well, don’t think it will be easy – it won’t! Don’t think it won’t take courage – it will! Don’t think you will be loved for your effort – it’ll be the opposite I can assure you! *he begins to sing*

If you’ve an idea, if you’ve something to say,
let nothing stand in your way.
Though others may scoff or disparage your name,
you’ve got to ignore them . . .
forget about fame.
In fact, I can say without hesitation,
indeed without reservation,
you should prepare to be flamed!

And though I’ve faced the most searing flames,
I love the heat . . . I love the games.
And though none will admit it,
for you here I’ll submit it . . .
this . . . place . . . NEEDS . . . me.

This place needs me
like a coffin needs a stiff.
This place heeds me
like an addict needs his kif.
It’s a burden to always be right -
a burden that I providently bear.
Yet I am prepared to share
as long as we all agree . . .
that I don’t need this place,
this place needs me.

*speaking* Well, someone has to ruffle a few feathers, else the whole place will go to rot. It’s no surprise I receive my fair share of scorn.

*singing again* The labels that get tossed around -
like “controversial,” “waste of sound” –
I’ve grown impassive as my fellows whine
for I have come to realize
that being right has its down side.
I swear at times I own the only spine
and that is why, despite the seething glares,
I love the flute – I love the weres.
Though it’s hard to receive me
you really must believe me . . .
this . . . place . . . NEEDS . . . me.

This place needs me
like a soldier needs commands.
Indeed, this place accedes too easily to my demands.
It’s a burden to always be right -
a burden that I providently bear.
Yet I am prepared to share
as long as we all agree . . .

*speaking* And, please, to save me extra trouble, let’s just all agree . . .

*singing* that I don’t need this place,
This place needs meeeeeeeee.

*Uncle Bower sits back on the rock with a self-important gaze*

[DOOGUD] *his eyes wide with excitement* Absolutely inspirational, Uncle Bower! I know exactly what to do. Come on, Rarry, we’re going back to the clearing. *he grabs Rarry’s hand and walks out of the clearing in the direction of the other werebeasts*

[UNCLE BOWER] *shakes head sadly* Poor, ignorant sots. They have no idea what they’re doing. *he continues ranting to himself about other obscure topics*

[Ladellon]

ACT THREE


*The large clearing is again filled with werebeasts playing their flutes alone or in small groups. Doogud and Rarry burst through the trees. Doogud strides to the center of the glade*

[DOOGUD] Everyone! Please, may I have your attention? *The werebeasts stop playing and turn to listen as Doogud continues. He holds up his flute*

This instrument is a beautiful creation! *heads nod in agreement* But it is not the only instrument that can produce beautiful sound. *now the werebeasts look confused*

There are others. *he holds up a harp and then a lute and finally a set of reedpipes. The crowd gasps and many take a step back. As they hesitate, Rarry stands by Doogud and reassures them.*

[RARRY] Spare the flames, my fellow flutists! Listen to him! We can expand our talents! We can have a full orchestra! *the crowd murmurs*

[DOOGUD] Yes, we can play these instruments together! *holds up a lute and reedpipes so all can see*

[KWEEK] *a weredrake strides forward, grabs the lute in Dugood’s hands and holds it high* Doogud is right! It’s time we started playing the way we want to . . . the way we were meant to. Not simply by the rules of some administrative-minded musicians. Who are these conductors anyway? Has anyone ever seen one? If they exist at all, I think they have forgotten what it is like to actually sit down and play a tune.

*The murmuring grows louder but is more curious in tone. Kweek strikes the lute spiritedly. The crowd stares at him. Doogud raises the reedpipe to his lips and blows a series of notes. The other werebeasts produce various instruments from hidden places around the grove and join in with the developing sound. Some look bewildered, but most are dancing about while the noise increases. Doogud is smiling wildly and dancing hand-in-hand with Rarry. He notices Prew walk by strumming a mandolin and shouts above the din*

[DOOGUD] I’d like to learn that one, Sir! Never played it before!

[PREW] Not now, lad . . . I am busy! *he dances off chuckling*

*Doogud and Rarry join with the other werebeasts in the revelry. On the edge of the grove, Uncle Bower watches the animated musicians from the trees.*

[UNCLE BOWER] *shaking his head* Incompetents, the load of them!

*the werebeasts are playing their various instruments and singing loudly together*

[ALL] *everyone singing* We are creatures here, you see.
And though we’re different can agree
we will accept all with musical . . . repute.
No matter if they play the harpsichord . . . or flute.

*someone shouts* or dulcimer!

*another shout* or crumhorn!

*everyone singing* We’re not sure but just perhaps,
discounting all our recent mishaps,
we’ve finally found a home . . .
we’ve finally found a home!
Yes, we’ve finally . . . foooooound . . . aaaaaaaa . . . hooooome!

*everyone bows*

[Ladellon]

*bows*


Laddy

[Burt]

Brilliant!

[PensivesWetness]

Brilliant!

+1

[darrenhfx]

Well done Sir.

[viigas]

[Brokenbone]

Bravo!

[rudy2688]

::claps enthusiastically:: Woot!

[Inaubryn]

Encore! Encore! The fact that I was actually singin' along out loud say somethin' about me?

[Mord]

Excellent stuff

[Ladellon]

Encore! Encore! The fact that I was actually singin' along out loud say somethin' about me?

Yeah, you should join the troupe!

Laddy