A Gnome's Life (a play by Begor)

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Ladellon
Dire Badger
Posts: 155
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2004 1:24 am
Location: just north of Leadfeather

A Gnome's Life (a play by Begor)

Post by Ladellon »

As I was walking along the Rauvin, not two ten days ago, minding my own business, of course, I saw something quite strange on the docks – a mound, you see. A mound right where no mound ought to have been. Right near the entrance to the sewers, mind. I thought maybe some foul creature had crawled out of the stench and was preparing itself to pounce on some unsuspecting passerby.

Well, being the jolly, law-abiding citizen that I am, I thought perhaps I might report the encounter to the watch, maybe even straight to Commander Greenvale herself. As I made to move away, the little mound stirred.

I poked at the thing with the tip of my rapier, intending, of course, to cleanse the blade thoroughly when next I found myself at Everdusk. As I poked, the mound made a peculiar squeak.

I bent low to give it a good look and saw two eyes peering out of a moldy old hood.

I stood straight up and demanded, “There now, what are you doing in the middle of the throughfare, eh, what are you, some sort of filthy halfling?”

To my astonishment, the creature stood, though it hadn’t much height, drew itself up quite smartly and stated with some emphasis, “I h’ain’t a h’alfling. I’m a Guh-nome.” And he carried on . . .

*singing*

I'm a Guh-nome, I'm a Guh-nome.
The guh-nicest work of guh-nature that did roam.
I'm a Guh-nome, right here in your home.
You ought to discern me by my hairless dome.
I'm a Guh-nome, Spelled G-N-O-M-E
I'm guh-not a goblin or an elf, you see.
I’ll explain here on this wharf,
I'm guh-neither man nor dwarf.
Oh guh-no guh-no guh-no, I'm a Guh-nome!


I was so startled that I took a couple steps back and nearly pitched my good bod right into the river. When I steadied myself and looked about, he had disappeared. Never caught the feller’s name, you know.

Not much later, I was having a well-earned drink at the Bright Blade with a couple of cohorts, you know. Just minding our own business, as we always do, right? Wouldn’t you know, some dapper little feller comes right up to the table and, well, here’s precisely what happened next.

*singing*

Timidly he broached our table
At the Blade one eve,
Pleading, “Help me, if you’re able
I’m truly quite naïve.”

“Though just arrived, I fear I’m lost.
The Lady’s College please.”
I must get there at any cost.
I’ll pay the standard fees.”

THAAAAT GNOME!
He opened up his purse
But if we pressed him, he’d reclose it.

THAAAAT GNOME!
No one saw the wealth inside
We all just hoped that he’d expose it.

Though small, his voice was baritone,
To all of us he’s merely known . . .
As . . . THAT GNOME!

“For gems, we’ll even leave our wine!”
One of our number said,
Then, standing, formed us in a line
And to the college led.

He followed with his books in tow -
One quite a hefty tome -
When we arrived he was aglow
This would be his new home.

THAAAAT GNOME!
Said he had research to do
A bit obsessed, but he’ll conduct it.

THAAAAT GNOME!
He might just need a lab
We all expect he’ll just construct it.

Although he went off on his own
To all of us he’s merely known . . .
As . . . THAT GNOME!

A simple task - he paid us well
To walk him half a league.
Then, humming, bid us all farewell
And left us with intrigue.

What is his purpose at the school?
Why had he traveled far?
Why did he pay with such a jewel?
Is that not quite bizarre?

THAAAAT GNOME!
Thought he might have been a bard
But if we pressed him, he’d denounce it.

THAAAAT GNOME!
No one thought to learn his name
But if they did they’d mispronounce it.

My research has clearly shown
To all of us he’s merely known . . .
As . . . THAT GNOME!


Second gnome in a tenday. Well, I was determined to find out about these chaps. What do they do? Why are they always sneaking about? What makes ‘em tick, eh?

So, the very next gnome I came across, I was determined to press my questions. Wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste, you know. Walked right up to the feller on a bench and demanded to have my answers.

Wouldn’t you know, he seemed to be prepared. Seemed to know just what to say, like he’d been asked the same questions over and over. Quite a fascinating response he gave, too.

*singing*

You, sir, have interrupted me despite my protestation
And seem to be unmoving in your firm determination
To bring abrupt conclusion to my morning meditation
All this to satisfy your curious imagination.

No matter the discourtesy and sense of trepidation,
I feel the need to answer so perhaps a dissertation
Is needed for to clarify and avoid obfuscation
On the fascinating subject of the gnomish population.

Let there be no pretensions,
We gnomes love our inventions!
Below or on the surface
We long to live our purpose.
All sizes and dimensions,
Yes, we gnomes love our inventions!

When discussions of researching and experimentation
Are overheard in any scene, we’ll need no invitation
To offer an opinion and, after some observation,
A hazardous and often explosive recommendation.

You see, on things mechanical, we have a reputation –
Repair what can be fixed, send off the rest for reclamation.
We never waste a single part, that would be desecration.
Exactness is expected, there’s no room for estimation.

Let there be no pretensions,
We gnomes love our inventions!
Arcanists might be glorious
But we crave the laborious.
All sizes and dimensions,
Yes, we gnomes love our inventions!

So, if you seek a thespian for poem recitation,
An extra blade for dispatching some brute abomination,
or bear with you some ancient runes that need interpretation,
I beg you move along for I’m in deep preoccupation.

I’ve no room in my schedule for the slightest hesitation
Else some ambitious other gnome with votive concentration
Will put me out of business with his latest innovation.
And so I hope you’ll understand my mild exasperation.

Let there be no pretensions,
We gnomes love our inventions!
To tinker is a pleasure.
We consider it a treasure.
All sizes and dimensions,
Yes, we gnomes love our inventions!


*speaking*

Well, that was that. He said his piece and I had a better understanding about these inquisitive gnome-types. To your heart’s content, my friends, invent away. There is nothing they cannot create and we shall be a better land for all their efforts, I say.

I fact, some day they might even produce such a thing as a mechanical box that emits music by itself . . . when you . . . uh . . . turn a . . . crank.

Hey, wait a second!

*frantically runs off stage*
Final PC: Regor the Valorious, the ONLY theatrically-inclined half-orc androgyne wandering ALFA, Artistic Director for Cormanthor Stage Productions, one-time stand up pirate and self-educated barrister of the bar.

Former PC: Begor Nightstrummer, Executive Stage Writer and Assistant Director of Planned Gifts for the Roving Entertainment Group of Ruith

Current PC: Sheshe Little Eels
Rumple C
Bard
Posts: 3561
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2004 9:38 pm
Location: The ceiling.

Re: A Gnome's Life (a play by Begor)

Post by Rumple C »

Love it.
12.August.2015: Never forget.
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