A Pirate's Life (a play by Begor)

Member created stories, poems, & other creative work.
Post Reply
Ladellon
Dire Badger
Posts: 155
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2004 1:24 am
Location: just north of Leadfeather

A Pirate's Life (a play by Begor)

Post by Ladellon »

Performed at the Silverymoon ampitheater.

A Pirate’s Life

Avast, mateys. I be known as Paddy. Some folks may take me for a pirate, see, and, aye, they could be right. But if it be the law-enforcing folks making such claims, they’re dead wrong, I say. Clear case of character assassination! Why, I never touched so much as a teensy booty in all me life!

Anyway, I’m glad yer all gathered here today, for I am about to tell you the tale of Wren the Pirate, also known as Wren “the Wretched.”

He began his life, as many do, in an occupation less fulfilling than he had hoped. So, he opted for a career change and it went something like this . . .

*singing and playing lute*

Patrolling, I was unfulfilled so I took a sabbatical.
I found the stage and tried my hand at theater, dramatical.
But opportunities to ply my trade were quite sporadical.
So I went to the Moonshae Isles to seek a life piratical.

Though you may not see at first glance – I’m really quite the radical.
In truth you’ll never chance upon a fellow so dogmatical
Regarding actions merciless and information nautical.
And so I think I’ve found the perfect job – a life piratical.

I’ll edify the crew with speeches vivid and grammatical –
Inspiring them to vict’ry with my presence charismatical.
Just never mind my quirks – they’re simply idiosyncratical.
It’s time to seize the moment, boys, and start a life piratical

Don’t hesitate to take a leap, my counsel is pragmatical.
Though if employment offered seems a bit too enigmatical
Recall that life, just like the seas, is hardly hydrostatical
Come join with me and you’ll enjoy a rousing life piratical.

In your pursuit of fame and fortune, be naught but fanatical
And legendary bards will mark your deeds in verse ecstatical.
You’ll quickly be a specialist in all things numismatical.
Oh, there’s no life – no other life – for me but life piratical.


*speaking*

Wren was soon a crewman aboard a most villainous ship known along the Sword Coast as the Witty Willet. The bosun welcomed him aboard with a sneer.

“You know what I call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?” he growled. “A beginner.”

It wasn’t long before the Willit encountered trouble at sea. A Waterdavian navy vessel was spotted in the distance and it was clear they were intent on boarding their ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain calmly instructed his first mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle against the navy boarding party. Although some casualties occurred, the Waterdavians were repelled.

The crew of the Willet sailed on feeling triumphant.

Later that day, the lookout yelled out that now there were two navy vessels sailing toward their ship. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, instructed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

Once again the battle was on, however the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat on deck that night recounting the day’s successes when Wren looked to the captain and asked, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before each battle?”

The captain, giving a look only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood from my wounds and, thus, you men will continue the fight unafraid.”

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout again called out that there were navy ships approaching, but this time there were ten vessels bearing down on their lone ship.

The men became silent and looked to their captain for his usual command.

The captain shifted his eyes nervously then bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

*pauses then continues*

Ah, but ‘tis not always danger and fighting. Why be a pirate if not for the loot, eh? Oh, and there was plenty of that for Wren the Wretched and then some.

After one successful raid, as Wren and another crewman were sorting through the barrels and crates liberated from the other vessel, they discovered what looked like a dirty oil lamp.

Wren watched as the other crewman rubbed the lamp clean. To his amazement, a genie appeared, granting them any three wishes they wanted. Immediately, Wren wished for a huge mug of beer that could never run dry.

“Granted” said the genie.

Excitedly the pirates took turns draining the entire mug, and as promised, it magically refilled itself. They emptied it again and it again magically refilled, just like they wanted.

“This is great!” they both exclaimed.

“And what about your second and third wishes?” asked the genie.

Both of the pirates, still excited about their single, magical mug quickly burst out, “I wish I had another one just like this!”

So, there you have it mateys. A pirate can, indeed, have it all – brawling, plundering, and treasure. What more could one ask for, eh? If you, too, are considering a career change, perhaps this final ditty can help guide you in your contemplations.

*singing and playing lute*

When unknown ships call in your ports
And unload crews of sketchy sorts
You’ll no doubt hide your treasures and your wives.
But scornful hospitality,
Though based in rationality,
Makes pirates question, ‘what have we done with our lives?’

I’ll wager you’ll be wondering
Have we been up to plundering?
Perhaps it’s just a mere misunderstanding.
All rumors shouldn’t be believed
For you’re likely to be deceived.
Instead, just think of it as careful branding.

In brightly colored pantaloons
and pockets full of gold doubloons
our drunken leaves are largely unforgettable.
Each town’s enriched by our largesse.
We risk the stocks but I’ll confess
It’s only when we’re caught that it’s regrettable

We do not steal, we liberate!
No lies, we just prevaricate!
And who else would you trust to roam your seas?
We don’t believe in taxation
It’s all about relaxation.
But if a fleet of warships show – well, no guarantees.

Come journey to exotic ports,
Meet lasses of clandestine sorts –
The benefits cannot be overlooked.
With generous insurance plans
That even cover both your hands.
The first time that you lose one you’ll be hooked.

So, join up if you’re so inclined
And leave this mundane life behind
There’s fame and fortune out there to be seized.
We’re rovers with no piety
Whose goal is notoriety
With any luck your mum won’t be displeased.


*the song ends and he bows with a flourish*
Final PC: Regor the Valorious, the ONLY theatrically-inclined half-orc androgyne wandering ALFA, Artistic Director for Cormanthor Stage Productions, one-time stand up pirate and self-educated barrister of the bar.

Former PC: Begor Nightstrummer, Executive Stage Writer and Assistant Director of Planned Gifts for the Roving Entertainment Group of Ruith

Current PC: Sheshe Little Eels
Ladellon
Dire Badger
Posts: 155
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2004 1:24 am
Location: just north of Leadfeather

Re: A Pirate's Life (a play by Begor)

Post by Ladellon »

*pats self on back* One of my favorite stanzas ever:

Come journey to exotic ports,
Meet lasses of clandestine sorts –
The benefits cannot be overlooked.
With generous insurance plans
That even cover both your hands.
The first time that you lose one you’ll be hooked.
Final PC: Regor the Valorious, the ONLY theatrically-inclined half-orc androgyne wandering ALFA, Artistic Director for Cormanthor Stage Productions, one-time stand up pirate and self-educated barrister of the bar.

Former PC: Begor Nightstrummer, Executive Stage Writer and Assistant Director of Planned Gifts for the Roving Entertainment Group of Ruith

Current PC: Sheshe Little Eels
User avatar
dergon darkhelm
Fionn In Disguise
Posts: 4258
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2005 1:21 pm
Location: Cleveland, Ohio, United States

Re: A Pirate's Life (a play by Begor)

Post by dergon darkhelm »

Well played. :)

Sorry I missed the live performance
PCs: NWN1: Trailyn "Wayfarer" Krast, Nashkel hayseed

NWN2: ??

gsid: merado_1
Post Reply