A New Day (Aliyah 8)

[Mikayla]

Author's note: My thanks and appreciation to Aitana, the player of Nisha, and Loulabelle, the player of Koriasha. Thanks to the two of them, the past couple weeks have been filled with the kind of interpersonal drama that makes playing in ALFA special. Lots of games offer adventure and things to kill - ALFA offers emotional immersion. So, my thanks to both Aitana and Loulabelle for the past couple of weeks, and hopefully, for the weeks to come. While a relationship may be coming to an end, I suspect the drama will continue rolling along. At least, I hope so.


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A New Day

“You said I should be honest and that I should tell you. After tonight you and I will become work. It will become about sacrifice and compromise.” The words rolled off of Nisha’s tongue and hit Aliyah like a hammer in the chest. The two women were sitting on a bench outside of the Elfsong tavern in the wee hours of the morning, conversing in their native tongue. Nisha’s hand rested on Aliyah’s thigh.

So this is it. Aliyah thought. She knew it was bound to happen sooner or later, but this was a lot sooner than she had ever thought. Of course, when she first saw Nisha, Aliyah never thought she would have a single minute with the beautiful bard. She wondered though; what had happened?

“Why?” Aliyah asked.

“Because falling in love already happened.” Nisha explained.

“For you? With me?”

Nisha nodded.

Aliyah was shocked. “Wow, that is … unexpected.” She sat back on the bench and stared out into the gloom. Nisha had fallen in love with her. She knew that Nisha liked falling in love, but Aliyah never thought it would actually happen. She figured Nisha would enjoy her for a while, then find something better and move on.

“Why is that unexpected?” Nisha asked, her hand still on Aliyah’s thigh.

“I didn’t really expect you to fall in love with me is all, I guess. I mean, I knew you’d move on, I just .. I don’t know.” The whole thing was so confusing it was making Aliyah’s head hurt. Nisha was simultaneously saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m leaving you.’ Aliyah expected the latter, but not the former.

Nisha turned to face Aliyah, her hand still on Aliyah’s thigh. “I know this must hurt.”

“Yeah. It does.” Aliyah answered.

Does it? Aliyah thought to herself.

Not like I imagined it would. Not like in the poems and stories.

Did you really think you were like those women in the stories, the princesses and prostitutes with hearts of gold who find love despite all the odds?

No, I guess not.

No, of course not. That is not you.

Who am I then?

You are the other woman. You are the mistress, the whore and the witch. You are the villain.

“If I could do more, I would.” Nisha said.

No need. Aliyah thought. Better this way. I will miss your touch though. And your kiss. And I suppose most of all, I will miss just having a connection to another human being. I think that is the real pain; being alone again. Better this way though I guess.

“You were honest though, at the start and now. I appreciate that.” Aliyah told Nisha. It was true; although she did not understand Nisha’s approach to love, she did appreciate Nisha’s honesty about it. Indeed, Nisha had been more honest with Aliyah than Aliyah had been with Nisha.

Do I tell her? Aliyah wondered. Will it hurt her if I do?

Maybe. Maybe not. Do you really care if it hurts her?

Yes.

Truly?

Yes, truly.

Then why did you cheat on her in the first place? Why did you break your promise?

Because I wanted to.

Your soul is going to the fiends.

F*ck that. My soul is going to oblivion.

So, are you going to tell her?

No.

Why not? It will be your revenge for getting dumped.

I don’t want revenge.

What do you want?

I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

You don’t feel anything now.

Yes I do. I think.

What? What exactly do you feel at this moment?

Loss.

“I can do tonight,” Nisha offered, “and however you want to spend our last night we will do it.” The Calishite beauty reached out and stroke Aliyah’s cheek.

Aliyah let slip a long slow sigh. A pity-f*ck? Really? Do I really seem that pathetic to her?

Probably. Apparently.

I should tell her to go pity-f*ck herself.

Why don’t you?

Because I do not want to hurt her. I promised her I would not hurt her.

You also promised you would not be with anyone else while you were with her, and yet, you were f*cking Kori the whole time. So, why keep the promise not to hurt her? And do you think it really would hurt her? She might not care.

It doesn’t matter; I don’t want to risk hurting her. I am keeping that promise for the same reason I f*cked Kori; it is what I want to do.

Is that your Sailor’s Star? Your guiding light? What you want to do?

Yes, I suppose it is. It is how I got kicked out of the family, how I ended up on the B*tch’s Due, how I ended up here at this very moment.

Good. But do you feel guilty about that?

I should feel guilty. I should feel shame.

But DO you feel guilt? Or shame?

No.

No. No you don’t. You just feel loss. You don’t have a conscience. You never did. That’s why you brought shame to your family. It is why all those people on the galley died. It is why you were able to let the rest of your crew go to the headsman. You do not actually feel anything for them.

Alright. So what?

So why do you care if you hurt Nisha or not?

Because she is beautiful and talented. She is special. She is not like me. She is not like Rain or Ali’Hussein or Sayid. She is not like Rakham or Marianne or the rest of the crew or the Syl-Pasha’s Amlakkar. She does not need to be down here in the mud and blood with the rest of us rats.

So, you are not going to tell her?

No. Not now anyway. No point to it. I don’t want revenge and I don’t want to hurt her just for the sake of hurting her. Besides, I like my secrets. And so does the Goddess. I have questions though.

You always do. Ask Nisha then. It is what you want to do after all, and that is your Sailor’s Star.

So Aliyah asked. She asked to understand Nisha’s view of love, and how it came to this. Aliyah really knew nothing of love other than what she had read or heard in the stories. Of real love, she knew nothing other than her brief couple of weeks with Nisha. For an hour Nisha sat with Aliyah, patiently trying to explain her view of love and why she chose to love the way she did. In the end, she summed it up in a way Aliyah could understand.

“Most people are happy to sacrifice for the one they love.” Nisha explained.

“And you don’t want that?”

“I want to remain selfish.” Nisha answered. “I don’t want to have to think about another when I want to make choices for myself.”

Then don’t Aliyah thought. I didn’t.

You don’t know what love is.

I have feelings for Nisha. Strong feelings. I want to be with her.

Then why did you f*ck Kori?

I wanted to be with her too. Not in the same way though. There is no warmth in Kori. Not anymore. With Kori it is just lust. And curiosity.

“I get that.” Aliyah replied with a wry grin. In fact, I understand it better than you know. “But it leads me to another thought… I don’t think you really know what love is. But then, I don’t know much about it either. Blind leading the blind it seems.” She leaned forward, elbows on knees and rubbed her face. It was late. So late it was early. She was tired. The sky was light blue now, the stars receding in the waxing light of the early morning.

“I know about love.” Nisha said. “This is how I choose to love.”

Aliyah nodded. Alright. You say you know about love? Who I am to argue? I definitely do not know about love and I do not know enough about your past to say. Fine. “I know. I am not trying to change you, just trying to understand. If I thought I could change you, I’d give it a shot. But I am no princess in a love story.” And this is no love story.. “This is just street life.”

“I wouldn’t change for a princess either.”

Not my point. It was a metaphor. Or .. a simile? An example? F*ck if I know. Who cares. We don’t live in a story-book romance is all I was trying to say.

Tell her that.

Why?

. . .

Aliyah did not explain. There was no point; it just did not matter. She leaned back against the wall and looked up into the sky. She knew Nisha was still watching her, but Aliyah did not look back. What was it Nisha had said? The past is gone. And now their time together was in the past. It was gone. Let it go. Gone.

“Sun is coming up.” Aliyah said finally. “Dawn of a new day.”

. . .

[Aitana]

Poor Nisha, Aliyah is so mean and EVIL.

Great read as always.

Dani

[Mikayla]

Poooor Niiiiissssshhhaaaaaa!!




Thanks.


M.