A Land Far Away

Ramunas, Foehammer's Fury
Written by Marcus Wands

Ramunas. Foehammer's Fury. Right fist of the Lord of Battles, the One True God. Tall as a tree and twice as big around, exceedingly handsome and dashing, the prophet Ramunas. This is the chronicle of the great man, Ramunas, and his journeys in Faerun. Absolutely fearless. Never turns from a fight. The only rule of war: to win.It is my humble privilege to follow him and relate his tales, so that the world might understand what a great and true prophet really is.

I first met the great Ramunas in a port unworthy of his footsteps, the port of Skaug. I did not appreciate his true greatness until later, when I had the chance to see him fight. This is the story.

Ramunas towers above other men, making them appear somewhat weaker and more cowardly. He enticed a brace of fellows to join his crusade to rid Skaug of murdering smuggling pirates, and reclaim their gemstones for the glory of the One True God. One dwarf present took a look at the great Ramunas, and knew himself unworthy, declining to attend. Ramunas greeted this cowardice with a great belly laugh that shook the tavern, and we gathered the stalwart Uthgardti Hrut Red Tiger and the gifted scout and keen tactician Hully, and thusly set forth.

At the mouth of the fearsome pirate cave, Hully urged caution and quiet. Ramnuas could not abide this cowardly entry, and let forth a bellow of tremendous challenge, which all inside were loathe to meet. So we took the fight to them, knowing the brave Ramunas would cleave them before they could bring serious threat.

The lesser men inside posed no threat to the terrible axe of Ramunas, and he chortled with glee as he hewed them like a scythe before the summer wheat, blood splashing himself and the walls with gouts of terrible ichor. We made our way deep within, but were soon to discover a cowardly priest of a false god had warded the door to prevent our retreat. Little did he know he would soon be dead, for we were in the presence of the great Ramunas.

Fallen bodies in our wake, we made our way through terrible perils that would have felled lesser men, Ramunas fearsome axe supported by the honorable Uthgardtis keen blade, and the terrible arrows that flew from Hullys bow. Though this was no place for a humble scribe such as myself, in the presence of mighty Ramunas, we had no fear.

I then beheld a sight of true glory and divinity. The good right arm of the Foehammer simply raised his hand and pointed at a man to mark his challenge, and the foe simply froze in absolute terror, soiling his pants at the wicked Ramunas' fury. Ramunas charged him, cutting his head from his body in a thrice, bathing us all in vermilion as the skull arced through the air like a pumpkin thrown from a cart. Ramunas laughed, for war is his home, and death is his gift to wicked men.

We then met Gummel, a priest of Garl Glittergold, deep within a dungeon, whom told us our target was an evil priest of the false prophet Cyric, named Drakkor. The great Ramunas just threw his head back and laughed, knowing a worthy fight would soon be his.

Finding our way to the center of the evil lair, Ramunas threw open the door and charged those within. Though he was surrounded by evil agents of the Dark Sun and many wicked fighters, Ramunas clove left, sliced to the right, kicked a man in the teeth, and flattened the largest of them in seconds. I personally witnessed him cleave his axe straight through a mans head, down to his codpiece, and the two pieces slid apart like a maiden's robe parting before Ramunas' amorous advances. He was soon joined by his companions, goodman Hrut Red Tiger and the cunning Hully, advancing behind his terrible fury. Wicked blows rained down upon the enemies like Tempus' own wrath seen on this Faerun, but at last only Drakkor stood before us, critically wounded, his men dying or already dead.

Drakkor uttered a curse, pointing his finger at Ramunas, vowing his revenge. Knowing the false prophets words to be empty, great Ramunas simply laughed at him... and gestured the Red Tiger forward to finish him. As Hrut cut Drakkor's head from his shoulders with but one clean blow, Ramunas just threw his head back and cackled in glee at performing the One True Gods work.

Ramunas, agent of the One True God. I am honored to witness his travels.

an epic tale worth every gold piece

ZOMG! Marcus is writing for the conservative base now.... RUN!

“A lie spread often enough with money to attend it becomes as much truth as a coin is round”

Loved it, makes me wonder how many of the lays and epics of history were as hilarious in real life.... good work, Wands, keep it up!

That's some good writing, keep it up!

Chapter 2: The sea queen's mask

Ramunas awoke and grinned at the dawn, itching for the throes of battle. He had drunk buckets of rum the night before, putting others under the table with his potency, as he conquers all things on this Faerun in the name of the One True God Tempus.

Ramunas was this morning consumed with a powerful lust, so he buckled on his armor and strode to the Dance Hall to find a woman he could not easily break. Instead he found me, and other unworthy associates, lounging and indulging in worthless talk. Ramunas quickly stepped in to cut aside the idle banter, and seize initiative for the ragtag band of cowards idly waiting. There was myself, the honorable Hrut Red Tiger, Kallun of the Old Order, and the dwarf Kager, and Ramunas quickly drove us from our comfortable pillows to enact a bold rescue of a weakling captain, and the total destruction of a murderous clergy of false prophets.

Under his fearless guidance we made for the ridge high above the Farheight mountains, and our scout Kallun moved out to scout the land. Ramunas could barely contain his joy, for he knew a fight was soon to be joined, and blood and treasure his for the taking.

We drove mercilessly into the bandit camp, cunning spells and wicked arrows flying in both directions, moving up and down the mountainside like the tide's ebb and flow. The tide was soon washed in blood, for Ramunas was here, and all knew his bravery and skill as he singly waded into the fray, ignoring spell and missile alike, engaging and felling the largest of the enemy in a thrice with his wicked axe. Behind him, the fearsome blades of Hrut Red Tiger, and Kallun's deft maneuvering, followed by the dwarf Kager. Soon the enemy lay dead, and brave Ramnuas approached the mouth of the mine, to join his companion Kallun, who had turned to us to make a cheer of victory.

Unfortunately Kallun spoke too soon in his celebration, as a great Sahuagin champion stepped from the mine and ran him through with a spear. Mortally wounded, Kallun fell, and the doughty Ramnuas leapt to his defense.

I have never seen a more spectacular single combat, as the great Ramunas stepped in to greet her. The terrible spear of the Sahaugin champion and her cruel spells were no match for Ramnuas, and he soon stood over her quivering corpse, covered in black blood and scales, cackling with glee, for his master's will had been done. Ramunas, Foehammer's Fist! Honored be his name, paragon of battle, cunning of wit, and absolutely fearless, inspiring to all whom have the privilege to see him fight.

Ramunas then called forth the power of the One True God, and reaching down, touched the dying Kallun, and healed him. Tempus, the Lord of Battles, honored be his name, would see the monk fight another day.

We descended into the sea caves, for Ramunas demanded we find the coward captain, and seek out more enemies for him to destroy. We found the captain within, along with Madeline the wizard and a shadowy figure named Vincent, sent to spy on us by our employer, to see the job done. Ramnuas just laughed, for these were no warriors, and there was no enemy here. His keen eye did notice an ancient mask, worn by the cowardly captain, and saw that it had taken his mind. Knowing the mask to belong to the false god of the sea, Ramunas decided the mask would soon be his to master, but now was not the time, for we were yet in her domain.

Ramunas led us through the caves, calling out the evil Sahaugin hiding behind barrels and crates to bring us an ambush; he would have none of it, and charged them directly, and won, clearing the way for us. We came upon a great sea serpent, guarding the only exit to the caves, and Ramunas held forth his axe for a blessing, then waded in to meet the creature. Our spells and arrows seemed to have no effect, for the creature was heavily armored with scales and pus, but Ramunas axe bit deep with each strike, spraying us with blood as he readied each new blow. Swinging with both hands, Ramunas clove the beast in two, and it slid into the swamp, defeated. I was amazed to see his skill, as were all present, for Ramunas is a great and terrible foe.

We climbed to the surface through a tiny hole in the rock of the ceiling, and as we departed, the dominated thrall of the false sea god turned to see the caves buried with a spell of power, and his false god protected from further inspection. Ramunas knew now was the time, and siezed the mask as his own to conquer.

It was then Ramunas faced his greatest battle, for though his god is the One True God, the mask had been greatly ensorcelled by an ancient magic, to trap the weak and the unwary. Ramunas is neither weak nor unwary, and was prepared, and though none present could see how he did it, with a scream of tremendous power Ramunas mastered the mask, and ripped it from himself, laughing with a mirth so great, his lord the One True God must have heard him, and smiled.

The false prophet had been defeated, and his job done, at her humble request Ramunas gave the mask forth to Madeline for safe keeping.

Ramunas was contented, for his victory on the battlefield was complete, and his master the One True God's will done. He graciously allowed us all to share in his treasure, for he is generous as well as fearless, and he left us in awe to find other adventure.

All hail Ramunas!

Hully sat silently, wrapped in a heavy blanket. The fire in the hearth had burned low with only a few embers remaining, but the halfling seemed not to notice. Staring distanly into the dying fire, dark circles lining his eyes, he gave no sign that he noticed Marcus entering the tavern.

The wizard took a stagger step, bumping his shoulder hard against a support pillar, obviously drunk. An empty bottle of wine held limply in his hand, he approached the halfling and slurred out his words.

"I wassh thinking you sshould have thissh." The wizard pulled a small duskwood pipe from his vest and dropped in onto the halfling's lap. "We found it on Ramunas when he laid him at the sshrine."

The wizard raised the bottle to his mouth, looking to take a drink, only noticing that it was empty after it reached his mouth. He threw it carelessly aside with a grunt.

"Ramunas." Hully spoke, eyes still locked on the dying fire. "I know him. He is a Tempite." His mind was slow to recall the giant of a man, struggling to form an image of the warrior priest.

Marcus spoke. "Well, you knew him. He'sh dead now. He'sh in Warrior'sh Ressht! Dead and in Warrior'sh Ressht!" Remmemmer him when you shmoke. When you shmoke......remmemmer Ramunas."

Hully made no reply as Marcus began to weep. Then after a time the tears stopped and both sat silently as the fire died and went to gray ash. The cutty duskwood pipe, the one that had looked so comically small in the massive hands of Ramunas of Tempus, lay in Hully's lap.

When Marcus finally rose and departed the Inn in the small hours of the night, Hully gave no farewell. He sat the last hours of night in the darkness of an empty common room.

The thin light of a gray Moonshaes dawn was already starting to lighten the tavern when Hully finally reached out his small hand for the pipe.He packed it slowly with nexalan weed, tamped it, and struck a tindertwig to bring the coals to ember.

Then he smoked...........and he remembered Ramunas.