The ALFA-Character Shop
Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 6:51 pm
The ALFA-Character Shop by Monty Haul
[Inspired by "The Cheese Shop" by Monty Python]
(a customer walks in the door)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the ALFA Character Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through the Player Handbook by Wizards of the Coast, and I suddenly came over all excited.
Owner: Excited, sir?
Customer: Indeed.
Owner: Eh?
Customer: I want to play D&D!
Owner: Ah, you want to play D&D!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little adventuring character will do the trick," so, I curtailed my reading activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your D&D persistent world to negotiate the vending of some adventuring character!
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I want to create an adventuring character!
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. ALFA is the finest Neverwinter Nights Persistent world project for D&D on the internet. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Warlock?
Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Warlocks, sir, to unbalanced.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Favored Souls?
Owner: I'm afraid we won’t have that until the balance issues are worked out. Maybe by Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, what of a Spirit Shaman, if you please.
Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on the committee’s work-list, for two weeks. Was expecting the balance issues worked out this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Sorceror please?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Tieflings?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. But not in ALFA, not until worked out.
Customer: Ah. Aasimars?
Owner: Sorry.
Customer: Drow? Svirfs?
Owner: No, not until ECL/LA is worked out.
Customer: Any Barbarians, per chance?
Owner: No, sorry, their DR and fast-movement is too unbalancing for CVC.
Customer: Druids?
Owner: No.
Customer: Rangers?
Owner: No.
Customer: Wizards?
Owner: Ah! We have Wizards, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....they’re a bit watered-down...
Customer: Oh, I like them watered-down.
Owner: Well,.. It's very watered-down, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the Wizard! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think it's a bit more-watered down than you'll like it, sir. None of those nasty, unbalancing, spells you know.
Customer: I don't care how fucking watered-down it is. Hand it over with all speed, I want to make a fucking character!
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Customer: What now?
Owner: The cat's already taken that class. Can’t have more than one in the world at a time – wizards are rare you know. Can’t have one on every tavern’s barstool, can we?.
Customer: (pause) No, of course not.
Owner: Of course not.
Customer: (pause) Paladins?
Owner: No.
Customer: Elves?
Owner: No.
Customer: You...do *have* some characters available, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a dungeons and dragons persistent world, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Dwarves?.
Owner: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. I am rather short.
Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Human Fighters?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular character in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular character 'round hyah?
Owner: Clerics, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this persistent world, sir.
Customer: Is it?
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...Clerics, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. Can I make one of those, then?
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a dungeons and dragons world, is it?
Owner: Finest on the internet!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so perfectly balanced, sir!
Customer: It's certainly not unbalanced by characters ....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about halflings, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: (slowly) Can I make a halfling?
Owner: No. Trademark issues with the Tolkien estate. Plus, all those bonuses they get for being small. Tsk tsk, much too unbalancing.
Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Do you in fact allow any characters here at all?
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You don’t.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. Every character class and ever race has something about it that sets it apart from the others.
Customer: Well, right, that’s why they are fun to play.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir, but you see, all those ‘differences’ – very unbalancing. A wizard cannot very well stand up to a fighter in melee, now can he? And that fighter certainly cannot cast spells on an equal footing with a cleric, right? All very unbalanced I am afraid.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
[Inspired by "The Cheese Shop" by Monty Python]
(a customer walks in the door)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the ALFA Character Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through the Player Handbook by Wizards of the Coast, and I suddenly came over all excited.
Owner: Excited, sir?
Customer: Indeed.
Owner: Eh?
Customer: I want to play D&D!
Owner: Ah, you want to play D&D!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little adventuring character will do the trick," so, I curtailed my reading activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your D&D persistent world to negotiate the vending of some adventuring character!
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I want to create an adventuring character!
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. ALFA is the finest Neverwinter Nights Persistent world project for D&D on the internet. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Warlock?
Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Warlocks, sir, to unbalanced.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Favored Souls?
Owner: I'm afraid we won’t have that until the balance issues are worked out. Maybe by Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, what of a Spirit Shaman, if you please.
Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on the committee’s work-list, for two weeks. Was expecting the balance issues worked out this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Sorceror please?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Tieflings?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. But not in ALFA, not until worked out.
Customer: Ah. Aasimars?
Owner: Sorry.
Customer: Drow? Svirfs?
Owner: No, not until ECL/LA is worked out.
Customer: Any Barbarians, per chance?
Owner: No, sorry, their DR and fast-movement is too unbalancing for CVC.
Customer: Druids?
Owner: No.
Customer: Rangers?
Owner: No.
Customer: Wizards?
Owner: Ah! We have Wizards, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....they’re a bit watered-down...
Customer: Oh, I like them watered-down.
Owner: Well,.. It's very watered-down, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the Wizard! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think it's a bit more-watered down than you'll like it, sir. None of those nasty, unbalancing, spells you know.
Customer: I don't care how fucking watered-down it is. Hand it over with all speed, I want to make a fucking character!
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Customer: What now?
Owner: The cat's already taken that class. Can’t have more than one in the world at a time – wizards are rare you know. Can’t have one on every tavern’s barstool, can we?.
Customer: (pause) No, of course not.
Owner: Of course not.
Customer: (pause) Paladins?
Owner: No.
Customer: Elves?
Owner: No.
Customer: You...do *have* some characters available, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a dungeons and dragons persistent world, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Dwarves?.
Owner: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. I am rather short.
Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Human Fighters?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular character in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular character 'round hyah?
Owner: Clerics, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this persistent world, sir.
Customer: Is it?
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...Clerics, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. Can I make one of those, then?
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a dungeons and dragons world, is it?
Owner: Finest on the internet!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so perfectly balanced, sir!
Customer: It's certainly not unbalanced by characters ....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about halflings, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: (slowly) Can I make a halfling?
Owner: No. Trademark issues with the Tolkien estate. Plus, all those bonuses they get for being small. Tsk tsk, much too unbalancing.
Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Do you in fact allow any characters here at all?
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You don’t.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. Every character class and ever race has something about it that sets it apart from the others.
Customer: Well, right, that’s why they are fun to play.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir, but you see, all those ‘differences’ – very unbalancing. A wizard cannot very well stand up to a fighter in melee, now can he? And that fighter certainly cannot cast spells on an equal footing with a cleric, right? All very unbalanced I am afraid.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
