for Charles

[ravin]

i sit tonight, in this place.. this home that has become so empty of late... and i write. Not song nor music, but words. Feelings that i find i must purge from my soul so that i may continue to live.
theese rooms echo with memories both Fond and Sorrowfull, and i would not trade them for anything in Toril. However.. there is one ghost that passes through te kitchen or in the reading room... that of My Avenger... i write this with a wry smile and tears. i still see him decend the stairs and head into the kitchen patting jake on the head and issuing his usual " good morning boy" before making his usual cup of tea...a dark blend of long-cut black leaf tea brewed over sugar for five to six minnutes then stired slowly whilst cream is added...gods i knew him well... it was more than just tea. there are things that others will never know. things i think...he himself did not see.[

he loved me.. of that there can be no doubt. adn I loved him. no mater his gruff and callous mannor..no mater how often i wante him to take me in his arms and kiss and comfort me and he did not...he loved me. he risked his life time and again to keep me safe...he withstood the alienation tat my love my love had brought about. aparantly affection makes one less effective in the mercernary business.[ i thank sharess i am a bard. ]
I will not forget a moment of the time we shared... from the first time he came timidly to me bearing a bottle of Silvermead and a bunch of flowers in appology for some harsh word or action..to the night he simply said "do not leave me" with tears in his beautiful grey eyes. i will never forget...he was the one man i would have given up everything for...the first man in my life to accept me as i was..even if he did not like it...never once did he ask me to change. he only asked that i be careful...
True w had our arguements...there was even a time i thought him better off without me.. but he did not seem to share that opnion.
i remember the night we were wed...hours we spent abed in the mutual embrace that is sharess's gift to all lovers...then he simply said " would you still be my wife?"
and without thought or hesitation i said "yes... this very moment" he took me at my word..
having been bound by the sharessian tradition we learned what it was like to see through the others eyes...in many lovers tis ends the relationship.. wiht us.. is strengthened it. we Sharessians are supposed to give and share joy with all those we come across.. weather it be in the sense of compassion or passion's embrace. i have been partly remis in this..since the first time i kissed him... i have not had the desire for another in my arms...except one...but that is an impossability..even now...
make no judgements.. I loved my husband.. i love him still...there will always be part of me that belongs to him. But i can not mourn forever. it is not my way. if he taught me nothing else it was that Life is too precious to waste in fruitless persuits... adn dispair is the most barren persuit of all.

so this i say to future lovers for generations to come... Do not fear to love and loose...for even in losing one finds that love lives still.

i will love you always, Charles, My Avenger
your Wife
Violet