This screen-play picks up where Lord of the ALFA, the Two Servers, left off, which is to say, about 7-8 months ago ALFA Time.
.....20TH CENTURY NJUBS PRESENTS.....
..............LordoftheALFAFILMS................
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
Err…hang on a sec….
OK, lets try that again.
A long time ago (like, 7 or 8 months ago), in A Land Far Away...
..................ALFA..................
.................WARS................
Episode IV A New Hopelessness
It is a period of war and civil war. Nooblin invaders striking at hidden exploits and ADM rebels striking from hidden enclaves have won their first victories against the evil ALFA-Toril Empire.
During these battles, nooblin and ADM spies managed to steal the secret password to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the HDM Death Forum, a private-forum-station with enough power to destroy any nooblin, ADM or server-realm.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Solonor Hignar races around Shadowdale, custodian of the stolen password (not to mention a dozen Northern Cormyr mail bags) that can save his people and restore freedom to the persistent world.
1. EXTERIOR - SHADOWDALE
[The awesome green lands of Shadowdale appear beneath ALFA-Toril’s bright moon. A tiny silver armored dwarf leaves a cozy looking tavern in the dark of night with a mysterious and evil looking cloaked man. Suddenly, the silver armored dwarf is whisked away, abducted by heretofore unheard of magic that will never be fully explained.]
2. INTERIOR – DEATH FORUMS - OUBLIETTE.
[The silver-armored dwarf, High-Solonor Hignar, is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad of armored knights. His hands are bound and he is brutally shoved when he is unable to keep up with the briskly marching, taller and longer legged troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Evro emerges from the shadows. The masked, cloaked, sinister Dark Lord of the Underground stares hard at the stout, grumpy dwarf but Hignar doesn't move.]
HIGNAR: Lord Evro, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The ALFA Senate will not sit for this when they hear you've imprisoned a player-character...
EVRO: Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on any DM quest this time. You passed directly through quarantine and multiple server portals. Several OOC-Tells were sent to your PC by nooblin spies. I want to know what happened to the password and exploits they sent you.
HIGNAR I don't know what you're talking about. I'm an ALFA player-character on a DM Quest in Shadowdale.
[Higgy hides his NC Mail bags but the Loudwater Knights seize them.]..
EVRO: You're a part of the nooblin-ADM alliance...and a power-gamer. Take him away!
[Hignar is marched away down the hallway and thrown into an oubliette. A Loudwater Knight-Commander turns to Darth Evro.]
COMMANDER Holding him is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the ADMs in the senate.
EVRO: I have traced the ADM spies to him. Now he is my only link to find their secret exploits!
COMMANDER He'll quit before he tells you anything.
EVRO: Leave that to me. Send a PM and then post in the forums that all aboard were killed!
[Another Loudwater-knight officer approaches Evro and the Commander.]
SECOND OFFICER: Lord Evro, the Death Forum plans were not found on this dwarf or in his mail bags – but did you realize you can get like 50+ exp for each mail bag delivered?!? And he was carrying 12 of them! Anyway, no OOC-Tells were made. A Private Message was sent during the kidnapping, but we were unable to read it.
[Evro turns to the Commander.]
EVRO: He must have hidden the password in the private message. Send a detachment to retrieve it. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be no one to stop us this time.
COMMANDER: Yes, sir.
3. INTERIOR – IVORY TOWER – WYNNA’S PERSONAL TRAINING ROOM
[Senator Wynna, the White Lady, confronts Flame-Warrior M’kayla, revealed in her drow-fiend form. Wynna is wearing her magical Full Plate of Respect while M’kayla wields her Dark Forum Fire ™ and her Dark Flame-Saber™ to deadly effect. The blond, pale skinned Wynna exudes a cold, holy goodness while the drow M’kayla epitomizes the dark, passionate sexuality and ferocity of her kind.]
M’KAYLA: Let Sadei live!
[M’kayla gives Wynna a blast of dark fire.]
WYNNA: No! Never!
[Wynna rushes to attack M’kayla with her Sword of Spelling but finds the drow-fiend too skilled too hit.]
M’KAYLA: Then suffer my wrath hypocrite! Let the judge be judged!
[M’kayla burns Wynna again with her forum fire. The two women, one dark, one light, battle viciously in the inner sanctum of the Ivory Tower. Wynna, though well armored, is slowly worn down by the flaming offensiveness of M’kayla’s unceasing attacks. The White Lady falls to one knee, gasping, bloody and burned, the drow fiend flame-warrior hovering above her.]
WYNNA: Fine, I’ll do it. I will let Sadei live. But this is it. You’ll get nothing from me again! Not on pain of death!
M’KAYLA: That’s cool, I can live with that.
WYNNA: Go to the dark alley where no one goes, in the dead of night when no one wakes and ask the man who does not exist for the package he does not have.
M’KAYLA: Riiighhht.
[M’kayla flies out of the Ivory Tower, drops to the darkened city below, leaving a battered, bruised, bloody and burned Wynna behind, growling in her chambers about people not getting their contributions into the Herald on time.]
4. EXTERIOR – SKULLPORT STREETS
[M’kayla stands in the dark, dangerous streets of Skullport when the doors to the Eilistraee temple open and out walks Sadei, a smiling, innocent looking young drow woman. M’kayla’s face lights up and she rushes to Sadei. M’kayla hugs Sadei happily while Sadei looks at M’kayla oddly.]
M’KAYLA: Sadei! I’m so happy you’re alive again! You won’t believe what I went through to get you rezzed. I braved the streets of Neverwinter, fought the White Lady and typed ceaselessly for a month. I even went to the Emperor himself! I risked certain death, humiliating ridicule and exhaustion of my forum fire but I would not give up until you lived again! I consider such perils small price to pay for the reward of your life.
SADEI: Yeah, cool, thanks. Hey, this Skullport place is neato. I am gonna go solo the warehouses. See you later!
M’KAYLA: What?!? NO! Wait! Don’t go in there!”
[Sadei steps inside Misker’s Warehouse and is instantly killed by a horrible trap.]
M’KAYLA: [grumbles] Stupid njub.
[M’kayla skulks off unhappily down the dark street to the Burning Troll tavern.]
5. INTERIOR- THE BURNING TROLL – MAIN ROOM
[The camera travels around a dimly lit, raucous tavern called the Burning Troll finally coming to rest upon the cloaked and hooded form of M’kayla who sits in a booth alone watching the other patrons cavort and carouse while sipping her spider-wine. Fionn Memorywiper, a young impressionable long-haired leaping gnome with great aspirations to be a Dragonmaster, walks into the tavern with Ayabatu, a small blue and white chat-bot. Fionn looks around a moment and then sees M’kayla whereupon he walks to her table and sits down with the small chat-bot following him.]
FIONN: Hi M’kayla. This little R2 chat-bot, Ayabatu, claims to be the property of a Valsharen Michael. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know what this bot is talking about?
M’KAYLA: Valsharen Michael? Valsharen is drow for king, like Valsharess is drow for queen.…. Now, those are titles I haven't heard in a long time. A long time.
FIONN: I think my uncle knows him. He said he was dead.
M’KAYLA: Oh, he's not dead. Not yet.
FIONN: You know him?
M’KAYLA: Who? Uh, me? Nope. Not a chance.
FIONN: Hey, wait a second, isn’t this where you say “Of course I know him. He's me.”
M’KAYLA: [frowning, leaning forward] No its not. I never heard of this Michael guy, get it? Never. NEVER.
FIONN: But the chat-bot gave me this picture of this guy and he looks kind of like you only heavier and with shorter hair.
M’KAYLA: [quickly snatches photo and burns it to cinders with her Flame-Saber] Shush! Are you freaking insane? I am living ‘stealth’ here!
FIONN: [disgusted look on his face] Dude, did you really cut off your..
M’KAYLA: Hey! Focus on the chat-bot you submissive, androgynous, long-haired little twerp!
FIONN: Oh, right, the chat-bot. [types !seen holo-message on the chat-bot’s keyboard]
M’KAYLA: [mumbling and griping and pouting] Michael wasn’t even my boy name, goddammit, my boy-name was...
[Suddenly, the chat-bot begins playing its private-message hologram-projector and an image of MShady appears. The image begins to speak but before the message gets out it is obliterated by a pop-up add advertising INCREDIBLE PENIS GROWTH and EASY UNIVERSITY DEGREES for only $19.99.]
FIONN Hey, your chat-bot has malware. Here, let me just fix it.” [Tinkers with the chat-bot which suddenly stops working altogether.] “Oops. I think I erased your bot’s harddrive.
[A day later.]
FIONN Hey, I think I got it working again.
[A holo-image of MShady is projected by Ayabatu.]
HOLO-SHADY: Valsharess M’kayla: Years ago, you served my character as a DM in the Daggerdale-Drow-Wars; now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Emperor. I regret that I am unable to present my character’s request to you in person, but I have fallen into an oubliette and I can’t get up. I've placed information vital to the survival of my character into the private-messages of this chat-bot. You will know how to retrieve it. You must see this bot’s information safely posted to the people on the Forums. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Valsharess M’kayla; you're my only hope.
[M’kayla leans over and retrieves the private message from the bot, then incinerates the whirring, chirping, beeping, annoying little rust bucket of an R2 chat-bot with a vicious blast of Dark Forum Fire ™.]
FIONN So what are you going to do about that?
M’KAYLA Good question. I could go to the White Lady, but I recently beat her. The next time we fight it will be to the death and while I think I can beat her again, her death will not get Hignar out of that toilette.
FIONN Oubilette.
M’KAYLA Whatever. I think its time we rounded up the Fellowship of the Forum ™ once more. Only they can help now.
FIONN What do you mean we?
M’KAYLA You must come with me Fionn Memorywiper, to Shadowdale.
FIONN To Shadowdale? No, no way. Maybe I can take you as far as Baldur’s Gate but…
M’KAYLA It’s a DM’d quest with phat lewt and exp for all.
FIONN Woo-hoo! I am so there dude. Let me sell my mother for pocket change and I will meet you outside at the server portal.
6. EXT. LOUDWATER
[A battalion of mounted Loudwater Knights rides down a road towards an evil looking, castle-like structure – the HDM Private Death Forum-Station!]
7. INTERIOR - DEATH FORUM – SECRET GOVERNORS ONLY ROOM
Eight Imperial Governors sit around a black conference table. Loyal flunkies stand guard around the room. Governor Thrasymachus, the old crotchety Lord-Mayor of Waterdeeep, is speaking.
THRASY: Until this private forum-station is fully operational we are vulnerable. The nooblins and the ADM Alliance are too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.
[The bitter Governor Lemernis twists nervously in his chair.]
LEMERNIS: Dangerous to your server, Lord-Mayor, not to this forum-station!
THRASY: The ADMs will continue to gain a support in the ALFA Senate as long as...
[Suddenly all heads turn as Governor Thrasy’s speech is cut short and RomAdmin Emperor Indio, elected Emperor of ALFA-Toril, enters. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Undergroun-Lord, Darth Evro. All of the Governors stand and bow before the thin, evil-looking Emperor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord of the Underground stands behind him.]
INDIO The ALFA Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Senator Ava does not get along with either Senators Murky or Barrendd while Senator Wynna is too remote for any of them too reach and her tenure is nearly at an end anyway. She will soon be replaced, most likely by General Idoru. The last remnants of post-Quake ALFA transparency, cooperation have been swept away.
THRASY: That's impossible! How will you maintain control without the bureaucracy?
INDIO: The regional governors now have direct control over their server-realms. Fear will keep the local players and ADMs in line. Fear of this private governor’s-only forum-station.
THRASY: And what of the ADMs? If the ADMs or nooblins have obtained a password to this forum, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it.
EVRO: The password you refer to will soon be back in our hands and we will soon know the location of the nooblin exploits.
LEMERNIS Any attack made by the nooblins or ADMs against this private forum would be a useless gesture, no matter what passwords they've obtained or what exploits they have..exploited. This private-forum is now the ultimate power in the ALFA-Toril universe. I suggest we Governors use it!
EVRO Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to move a server-realm back into Beta is insignificant next to the power of the Forum-Flame!
LEMERNIS Don't try to frighten us with your Flame Warrior's ways, Lord Evro. Your sad devotion to that childish practice has not helped you conjure up the stolen password, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the nooblin's hidden exploits...
[Suddenly Lemernis is scorched by Evro’s demonstration of forum flame.]
EVRO I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INDIO: Enough of this! This bickering is pointless. Lord Evro will provide us with the location of the nooblins’ exploits by the time this forum-station is fully operational. We will then crush the nooblin invasion with one swift stroke.
LEMERNIS: What about the ADM Rebel Alliance?
INDIO: What about them? The ADMs are no threat…
EVRO: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INDIO: Huh?
THRASY: It’s the ADMs that are the real threat, not the nooblins.
EVRO: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INDIO: [yelling in frustration at Evro] Would you stop saying that!
EVRO: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[Indio smacks Evro on the back of his helmet.]
EVRO: Whew, I think the heavy-breathing-sound voice box in my dark-helmet got stuck there for a sec. Anyway, we must deal a decisive blow to both the nooblins AND the ADMs.
INDIO: I don’t get it. What do you all have against the ADMs? Don’t they do all your work for you? Don’t they build places in your server-realms, take care of your players and generally make your life easier?
LEMERNIS: Yes, but we cannot trust them.
INDIO: Um…why not? Don’t you all hire and fire them completely at will? You all have total discretion over who becomes an ADM and who stays an ADM? And yet, you still don’t trust them?
ASSEMBLED GOVERNORS: [in unison] Nope.
INDIO: That makes no sense.
LEMERNIS: Well, we Governors have a lot invested in our server-realms. We put a lot of work into them and we feel it is only right that we get a say in how things are run.
INDIO: But, most of you did not even build your server-realms! Hell, don’t the ADMs also work on the server-realms? Don’t they build and govern and work too? Aren’t many of them also invested in the server-realms? I mean, ok, the ADMs are DMs too, right? Shouldn’t they get a say in who is elected Senator from the DM system? And the ADMs are ALFA-Toril Citizens affected by the infrastructure and technology of our fair empire, so shouldn’t they have a vote for who becomes the Senator from the Infrastructure and the Tech systems? Finally, aren’t ADMs citizens just like you and everyone else? Shouldn’t all ALFA-Torilians get a vote for Emperor?
ASSEMBLED GOVERNORS: [in unison] Oh hell no!
LEMERNIS: You see, there are only about a dozen of us Governors, but there are legions of ADMs. If we give ADMs the vote or let them see what we are doing, well, sheesh, I mean, that would be like sharing power with them. Right now, we few governors control 3 of the 4 Sentatorial seats and the Emperor’s throne. We may be a tiny, small percentage of ALFA-Toril, but we hold the power!
INDIO: But you certainly share the work with the ADMs, isn’t it only fair to give them a voice too?
LEMERNIS: Fair? Who cares about fair, this about power baby. Aren’t you listening? [taps his mic] Is thing on? Did IQs drop suddenly while I was away? Its about P-O-W-E-R and P-R-I-V-I-L-E-G-E and finally, after years of being picked on and turned down for dates and excluded from parties and left alone, finally, FINALLY I get to be on the inside of an exclusive club!!! Muwahahaha yay for me!
EVRO: [to Lemernis] Whoa mate, too much information. You’re over-sharing.
LEMERNIS [calming down] Oh, right of course. What I meant to say was that keeping the HDM forums secret from the ADMs and leaving all the voting power in the hands of the HDMs is the only practical, logical, fair thing to do. By the way, have I mentioned that the sky is magenta in my world and that 2+2=5?
INDIO Do all the Governors think like this?
EVRO No m’lord. Valsharess M’kayla, the Governess of the Underfarce, and one or two others oppose our evil dastardly plan to disenfranchise the ADMs. However, we have declared them to be part of the nooblin-ADM Rebel alliance and we have denied them the secret password to this forum-station.
INDIO So that’s it then it seems. I am compelled by my own small [deleted] to crush all those rapidly-leveling nooblins and high-level PCs that make me feel inadequate as a man, but to do that I need the cooperation of you Governors. To get your cooperation, however, I need to agree to let you crush the ADMs. Is that about right?
[The assembled Governors nod in agreement.]
INDIO Very well, we shall destroy them all – nooblins, ADMs and Flame-Warriors alike.
[The assembled Governors clap and smile even as they send more work-orders off to their ADMs, all the while wondering why everyone else thinks that “Governor” is a bad word.]
8. EXTERIOR - ALFA – DM-LESS WASTELAND.
[M’kayla and Fionn stand on a bluff overlooking the ALFA Forum-City. It is a haphazard array of low, grey, concrete structures and semi-domes. A harsh gale blows across the stark canyon floor. Fionn adjusts his goggles and walks to the edge of the craggy bluff where M’kayla is standing.]
M’KAYLA: That city is called ALFA-Forums. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
[M’kayla looks over at Fionn, who gives the sXe flame-warrior a puzzled expression.]
FIONN: Dude, you do realize that once upon a time I was like the highest posting Dragonmaster in that damn city right?
M’KAYLA: Only a master of Spam, Fionn. Come, I will teach you the ways of the Forum-Fire and show you how to use the weapon of a Flame-Warrior, the Flame-Saber.
[The two walk down through the desert towards the city as M’kayla casually burns up some of the short, brown-cloaked and hooded, oddly-speaking newbies who populate the DM-less wastes.]
9. EXTERIOR. ALFA – FORUM CITY - STREET.
[M’kayla and Fionn are stopped by several Loyalist-ADM-Crony-Kissbutt-Egocentric-Yahoos (“LACKEYs”) who look through their inventories. One of them questions Fionn.]
LACKEY: How long have you had this loot?
FIONN About three or four months.
M’KAYLA The loot is for sale if you want it.
LACKEY Let me see your log-files.
[Fionn becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his log files while M’kayla speaks to the trooper in a sweet, sexy voice.]
M’KAYLA You don't need to see his log files.
LACKEY We don't need to see his log files.
M’KAYLA This is not the loot you’re looking for.
LACKEY This is not the loot we’re looking for.
M’KAYLA He can go about his business.
LACKEY You can go about your business.
M’KAYLA [to Fionn] Move along.
LACKEY Move along. Move along.
10. EXTERIOR - ALFA FORUM CITY - STREET.
[M’kayla and Fionn walk up in front of a rundown blockhouse cantina on the outskirts of the forum-city.]
FIONN: I can't understand how we got by those LACKEYs. I thought we were dead. Did you use the force? Did you use your Jedi mind-powers or your Flame-Warrior Forum Fire?!?
M’KAYLA Yeah, right, like girls need jedi-mind powers to get their way with gamer-nerds. Listen, girls have a strong influence on over-sexed, under-laid men. You will find it a powerful ally…err… you would if you were a girl anyway. Well, you know, actually you do have really pretty hair, soft skin and nice lips. If you were to…
FIONN: [brushing away M’kayla’s hand from his hair] Hey! Knock it off. I am sorry I asked already, lets just get on with this. Do you really think we're going to find the members of the Fellowship of the Forum here?
M’KAYLA: Well, most of the best Flame-Warriors can be found here, and the original Fellowship was comprised of some very good Flame-Warriors. Only watch what you post. This place can be a little rough.
FIONN: I'm ready for anything.
M’KAYLA: [Fondling Fionn’s long hair again] Are you ready to eat your own head?
FIONN: Huh? No!
M'KAYLA: Well then, I guess you're not ready for anything are you.
FIONN: [walking into the Cantina, petulantly brushing her hand away] Knock it off will you…
11. INTERIOR ALFA – FORUM CITY – THE “GENERAL DISCUSSION TAVERN”.
Fionn follows M’kayla into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, moldy den is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic topics at the long metallic bar. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed topics, most with no apparent relation to ALFA at all, huddle over drinks. M’kayla moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive scum. A huge, rough-looking, but absolutely twig-thin moderator stops Fionn and the chat-bot.
TWIG-THIN-MODERATOR: We don't let their kind post here. Your chat-bot'll have to wait outside. We don't want it here.
FIONN Dude, M’kayla incinerated the chat-bot pages ago. Don’t you meta-game?
TWIGGY-MODERATOR Oh, fine, just fine. Talk back to me, a moderator, will you you mother-$#$%$er? That’s a strike goddammit you motherf&*$ing s&*&@bag. For the love of god I don’t even know why I volunteered to be a &*#$% **&#$% ALFA-moderator. That’s it, I quit!
[Fionn joins M’kayla at a table but not before noticing that Ayabatu the chat-bot IS with him. Fionn wonders for a moment how the chat-bot came back to life but puts the question out of his mind. At the table, M’kayla speaks in quiet tones to Can-Solo, a human male and Katebacca, large, hairy, aggressive and ill-tempered creature of indeterminate sex.]
CAN-SOLO: I am Can-Solo, veteran ALFAn, server-hopper extraordinaire and captain of the server-ship Millenium-Swift. Katebacca tells me you are looking for passage to the Shadowdale server-realm.
KATEBACCA: Growwwllllll!!! Growllllll!! RoooaoooaoOOOR!!!
M’KAYLA: What is she saying?
CAN-SOLO: Who? Her? Nothing really, she just likes to growl and roar a lot. She goes on like that 24/7, just ignore her like the rest of us do.
M’KAYLA: Oh, ok. Anyway, your name is Can-Solo? That’s an odd name, how’d you get that?
CAN-SOLO: I have an insane Hide and Move Silent. I also never log my server-ship into a server-realm if I see any LACKEYs about. I hate those LACKEYs, and the Governors, and the Emperior. I hate ‘em all and I follow no laws. I am a rogue to the last! But you know, a rogue with a heart-of-gold in the right place. Now, I hear you are looking for a server-ship.
M’KAYLA: Yes, if it’s a fast server-ship.
CAN-SOLO: Fast ship? Its downright Swift some would say. You've never heard of the Millennium Swift?
M’KAYLA: Should I have?
CAN-SOLO: It's the server-ship that made the WD-BG-NC-TPI run in less than 12 hours, and I am talking in-game hours, not those slow, bulk ALFA-Time Conversion hours. She's fast enough for you, Spider-Kisser. What's the cargo?
M’KAYLA: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, a few others we pick up along the way, and no questions asked.
CAN-SOLO: What is it? Some kind of local trouble?
M’KAYLA: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any ALFA-Imperial entanglements.
CAN-SOLO: Well now that’s the trouble isn’t it? It can be done but its going to cost you. 10,000, all up front.
FIONN: 10,000?!? That’s way beyond the Warning Cut-Off for my level!
M’KAYLA: How about 2000 now, and 15,000 when Fionn levels up?
CAN-SOLO: Done, meet me at the docking bay in an hour.
12. EXTERIOR - ALFA FORUM CITY – SEVER PORT
[Can-Solo, Katebacca, M’Kayla, Ayabatu and Fionn walk to the server-ship where they are intercepted by LACKEYs and Stormmoderators. Can-Solo and Katebacca blaze away with their forum-blasters while M’Kayla lets them have it with her Flame-Saber. A few minutes later they have boarded the Millenium Swift and jumped through the server portal into cyber-space.]
13. INTERIOR - MILLENIUM SWIFT
[M’kayla sits in the hold area with Fionn who is practicing with a Flame-Saber. Can-Solo walks in and sits down.]
CAN-SOLO: Well, I ditched those LACKEYs just like I said I would. Don’t everyone thank me at once. Who are these people we are going to pick up anyway?
M’KAYLA: Well, first, I am looking for Sir Kalbar, Knight of the Right.
CAN-SOLO: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Sir Kalbar got polymorphed into a troll and has not been seen in months. Looks like it was an inside job too. He shacked up with his long time lover, a pit monster kept by Jabba the hut called ‘the Gromnir.’ The two of them were tight as two-bugs-in-a-rug watching college football all day and parading about in speedoes all night, but Kalbar turned into a huge green nappy haired troll. Things just weren’t the same after that. Some say it was the Real Enemy of ALFA Lovers Living In Fantasy Everyday ™ that polymorphed Kalbar into a troll, but I know it was the Emperor and his stormmoderators that did it.
FIONN: The Real Enemy of ALFA Lovers Living In Fantasy Everyday™? I’ve only heard of that once before, when the previous RomAdmin Emperor Duck the First was lynched and gutted by an angry mob.
M’KAYLA: Emperor Duck the First was not killed by a mob, he committed suicide to show the mob he was not seeking power.
FIONN: Wow, that is so insidious. That Duck sure is an evil bastard. Is he the Real Enemy of ALFA Lovers Living In Fantasy Everyday ™?
M’KAYLA: No, the Real Enemy of ALFA Lovers Living In Fantasy Everyday™, which we usually just call R.E.A.L.L.I.F.E., or “real-life” if you want to say it fast, is a mysterious and powerful force that we cannot see but which surrounds and binds us. It has claimed many an ALFAn over the years.
FIONN: You mean it controls your actions?
M’KAYLA: Partially. But it also obeys your commands.
CAN-SOLO: Hokey religions are no match for a good +3 forum-blaster at your side, kid.
FIONN: You don't believe in the real-life, do you?
CAN-SOLO: Kid, I've solo’d from one side of this persistent world project to the other. I've seen a lot of strange spawns, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny.
[M’kayla smiles quietly.]
CAN-SOLO: So who else are you looking for?
M’KAYLA: After Kalbar, I am looking for his trusty man-at-arms, the always practical and rather boring Sergeant Pelham.
CAN-SOLO: Pelham? Oh, no good there. He got killed. People say it was the ‘real-life’ but I say it was the Shades.
M’KAYLA: Well, I am also seeking the elven warrior J’kin Gristillodar, sometimes called Bain Croix or occasionally just ‘mother.’
CAN-SOLO: Nope, he’s dead too. Lots of folks say real-life again but I would bet my ship it was the Emperor’s stormmoderators.
M’KAYLA: What about White-Warlock?
CAN-SOLO: Gone.
M’KAYLA: Real-life also?
CAN-SOLO: Nah, he just quit again.
M’KAYLA Well, dammit. No one’s left! Wait! Ava! Ava is still around. Take us to Ava.
CAN-SOLO: Ava? Also known as Kat? Whoa. You know she’s a Senator now right?
M’KAYLA: A senator? Well, she should be able to help us then. To the capital!
14. INTERIOR - DEATH FORUM-STATION
[Darth Evro stands speaking to Emperor Indio who is sitting in his large, sinister looking but really comfy emperor’s chair.]
EVRO: Hignar’s resistance to the oubliette is considerable. It will be some time before we can extract any concessions from him.
INDIO: Perhaps he would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.
EVRO: What do you mean?
INDIO: I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this forum-station. Aim your forum-flame at Hignar’s levels.
EVRO: With pleasure.
15. INTERIOR - DEATH FORUM STATION - OUBLIETTE CONTROL ROOM
[Emperor Indio stands above the opening to the oubliette in which Hignar is trapped.]
HIGNAR: Emperor Indio, I should have expected to find you holding Evro's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was dropped down here.
INDIO: Charming to the last. You don't know how easy I found it signing the order to wipe the vault of your bic file!
HIGNAR: I am surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself!
INDIO: Uh, well, yes, about that, I uh, see….I signed it in Senator Wynna’s name actually. Or maybe it was Senator Ava’s? Both? Crap, I am forgetting my own fabrications now actually. Well, no matter. Anyway, High-Solonor Hignar, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this forum-station operational. No server-realm will dare oppose me now.
HIGNAR: The more you tighten your standards, Indio, the more power-gamers will slip through your fingers.
INDIO: Not after we demonstrate the power of this forum-station. In a way, you have determined the choice of the power-gamer that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the nooblin base, I have chosen to test this forum’s powers on your own levels!
HIGNAR: No! I’m not a farmer! I have no loot! You can't possibly...
INDIO: You would prefer another target? A nooblin target? Then name the exploits!
[Indio waves menacingly toward Hignar.]
INDIO: I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. Where are the exploits?
HIGNAR: [softly] : Northern Cormyr. [Hignar lowers her head.] They're on Northern Cormyr.
INDIO: There. You see Lord Evro, he can be reasonable. Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.
HIGNAR: What?!?
INDIO: You're far too trusting. The nooblins on NC are much too low level and unknown to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your nooblin friends soon enough.
HIGNAR: No!
EVRO: Commence primary ignition.
[A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded flunky reaches overhead and pulls a lever. Another lever is pulled. Evro reaches for still another lever and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam out toward Hignar. The small dwarf screams in pain as a level is taken away.]
16. INTERIOR - MILLENNIUM SWIFT - CENTRAL HOLD AREA.
[M’kayla watches Fionn practice forum-flames. She suddenly turns away and sits down. She falters, seems almost faint.]
FIONN: Are you all right? What's wrong?
M’KAYLA: I felt a great disturbance in the Forums...as if millions of experience points cried out in terror and were suddenly removed.
FIONN: Do you fear something terrible has happened?
M’KAYLA: Nah. Higgys got 18 levels left. Its no big deal.
[Can-Solo notices a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel.]
CAN-SOLO: Looks like we're coming up on ALFA-Toril’s Capitol. Stand by, Katebacca, here we go. Cut out the running, you know how the ADMs hate it.
[The ship bounces and shakes as it weaves between huge flaming boulders]
FIONN: What is it Can-Solo? A meteor storm?
CAN-SOLO Nope, we've come out of cyper-space into some sort of Empire wide ALFA-flame war. Must be an election cycle.
[An unidentified LACKEY sweeps in and tries to quarantine the Millenium Swift. Using high-speed nooblin server hopping tricks, Can-Solo turns the tables on the njub-LACKEY and begins chasing him.]
FIONN: [pointing at the fleeing LACKEY] Look at him. He's headed for that small server-realm.
CAN-SOLO: I think I can get him before he gets there...he's almost in range.
[The small server-realm begins to take on the appearance of a monstrous spherical forum-station.]
M’KAYLA: That's no server-realm! It's a private forum-station.
FIONN: I have a very bad feeling about this.
[Can-Solo struggles with the controls but the Millenium Swift is drawn inexorably into the gargantuan forum-station.]
17. INTERIOR – DEATH FORUM – PRIVATE GOVERNORS ONLY ROOM.
[Darth Evro paces the chamber as Emperor Indio sits at the far end of the conference table.]
EVRO: She is here...
INDIO: Valsharess M’Kayla! What makes you think so?
EVRO: A tremor in the Forums. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old nemesis.
INDIO: Surely she must be banned by now.
EVRO: Don't underestimate the power of the Forum-Fire.
INDIO: Didn’t you meta-game in on the previous conversation? Kalbar, Pelham, Whitey and J’Kin are all gone while Ava has become a Senator – The Fellowship of the Forums is extinct, their Forum-Fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion. Now, I must go give my speech to the people of ALFA-Toril to ensure my speedy re-election as RomAdmin Emperor of all ALFA-Toril.
18. INTERIOR – DEATH FORUM – CAPITAL ROTUNDA
[The masses of ALFAns have gathered in the great forum of the capital rotunda to hear the candidates for RomAdmin Emperor of ALFA-Toril speak their platforms. Governor Squamatus is first.]
SQUMATUS: Uh, my platform is that I am not Indio.
[Thunderous applause follows, Squamatus leaves the stage. RomAdmin Emperor Indio steps onto the stage and rebuts Governor Squamatus’s argument while expounding elaborately upon his own achievements. As Indio finishes his speech triumphantly, M’kayla appears in the crowd, standing beside Fionn.]
M’KAYLA: What about High Solonar Hignar?
INDIO: [looking up into the crowd at M’kayla] Excuse me? What about him?
M’KAYLA: He has been imprisoned in your dungeons for more than 6 months now. Given our time compression, that is like, um… [counts on her fingers] …like um… [counts on her toes] …well…dammit…lets just say it’s a good thing dwarves have long life spans!
INDIO [smiling] : I assure you, everything that can be done for him is being done. Also, this situation is beyond my control. Hignar is actually in the oubliette of Darth Evro, Dark Lord of the Underground. As Emperor, I have no wish to undermine the authority of my Governors or Dark Lords by second guessing their administration of justice.
M’KAYLA: I thought you might say something like that, so I brought this disc of information to prove your foul deeds!
[M’kayla the disc from the R2 Ayabatu unit and begins a power-point presentation. A picture of Indio and Evro smooching in an Underground tunnel while Duck watches appears on screen.]
GOVERNOR-WIZARD MURKY [standing in the audience, his face red with rage, yelling to Indio] : You slut! How dare you make love in the Underground tunnel without me!
INDIO: Whoa! Easy there, no need for this M’Kayla. Shut that thing off. I already ordered Hignar released from Darth Evro’s oubliette.
DARTH EVRO, AVA, AND WYNNA [in unison] : You did?!?
INDIO: Yeah, sure, um, a week ago. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I ordered him free a week ago.
MSHADY: You lying sack of ….
M’KAYLA [kicking MShady hard] : Just shut up and go with it. Lets get Higgy out while we can.
MSHADY: [grumbling] Fine
INDIO [smiling at the podium] : There now, all is better. Re-elect me Emperor of ALFA-Toril!
GOVERNOR-WIZARD MURKY: Not so fast Emperor. I have some astute, intelligent, pointed yet fair political, economic and social questions to ask of you. First, why are you such an asshole? Second, why are you such a liar? Third, why are you such a lying asshole? Fourth…
[Murky continues with his deep, probing, and sensitive questions. Soon the entire audience is joining in with such hard to rebut zingers as “yeah!” and the ever popular “pwnd!” Indio bangs his gavel, screams for calm, answers what questions he can but fails to quell the crowd. The scene devolves into a riot as the audience charges the stage like a lynch mob. Quickly, Indio flees, dropping his Emperor’s crown as he runs. The crowd, led by Governor-Wizard Murky, pursues. Governor Squamatus stops on stage, quietly picks up the Emperor’s crown and gently places it atop his head.]
SQUAMATUS: Well, then, look whose Emperor now. According to my pamphlet, “George Bush Jr.’s Tips On Leading World Powers” its time for a vacation. Don’t mind if I do.
[Squamatus exits stage right, not to be seen or heard again until ALFA WARS: Episode V, the Admin Strike Back!]
FIONN: We have to escape!
CAN-SOLO: We’ll never get out of here while those Private-Death-Forums are locked up.
M’KAYLA: Leave the Private Death Forums to me. The rest of you make your way back to the Millenium Swift. I will meet you there.
19. INTERIOR – DEATH FORUM-STATION - OUBLIETTE BLOCK
[As Indio flees, Darth Evro and Governors Lemernis and Thrasy order their LACKEYs and stormmoderators after Fionn, Man-Solo, Katebacca and Hignar who find themselves trapped in a dead end cell block. Imperial knights surge forth, swords held high.]
FIONN There isn't any other way out.
CAN-SOLO I can't hold them off forever! Now what?
HIGNAR: This is some rescue. When you came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?
CAN-SOLO: Perhaps you’d like it better back in your oubliette your highness?
[Hignar pulls a gem out of his pocket and casually casts “Miracle” to emulate “Greater Teleport” and he, Can-Solo, Katebacca and Fionn disappear in a flash.]
20. INTERIOR DEATH FORUMS - GARBAGE FILLED ROOM.
[Can-Solo tumbles into the large room filled with garbage and muck. Fionn is already stumbling around looking for an exit as are Katebacca and Hignar. Fionn finds a small hatchway and struggles to get it open. It won't budge.]
CAN-SOLO: Oh! This was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you've discovered! Let's get out of here!
FIONN: This place stinks. Its filled with garbage and refuse and muck and crap. Did we go down a garbage chute? Is this the garbage masher?
CAN-SOLO: No, its just the Off-Topic forums.
FIONN: Oh, right.
[A loud, horrible, inhuman moan works its way up from the murky depths. Katebacca lets out a terrified howl and begins to back away. Can-Solo and Fionn stand fast with their forum-blasters drawn.]
FIONN: There's something alive in here!
CAN-SOLO: That's your imagination.
FIONN: Something just moved past my leg! Look! Did you see that?
CAN-SOLO: What?
FIONN: Help!
[Suddenly FIONN is yanked under the garbage by a huge green hand with long, filthy black claws.]
CAN-SOLO: Forum Troll! Its Kalbar! He’s sucked Fionn under the muck with one of his Anti-abortion Catholic Diatribes!
[Fionn resurfaces, horrible troll claws gripping at his chest.]
FIONN: Blast it!
CAN-SOLO: Where?
FIONN: In its head; forum trolls are vulnerable to logic!
[Can-Solo fires his forum-blaster downward and Fionn breaks free of the monster’s grasp. The claws slip back into the garbage, disappearing beneath the surface of the muck.]
CAN-SOLO: You alright?
FIONN: Yeah, I nearly got sucked in though.
[Suddenly the walls of the off-topic forum shudder and move in a couple of inches. Before anyone can say anything the walls begin to rumble and edge toward the rebel foursome.]
HIGNAR: Automatic Forum Pruning! Run!
[The foursome flees the disgusting, trash filled off-topic forum and its horrid troll. They run through the threads of the Death Forum heading back to the Millenium Swift.]
21. INTERIOR - DEATH FORUM-STATION – SECRET ENTRY TO PRIVATE FORUMS.
[M’kayla enters a humming service trench that powers the Private Death Forums. The trench seems to be a hundred miles deep. The clacking sound of huge switching devices can be heard. The sexy-Flame-Warrior edges her way along a narrow ledge leading to a control panel that connects two large cables. She carefully makes several adjustments in the computer terminal, and several lights on the board go from red to blue.]
[M’kayla then leaves the trench and hides in the shadows of a narrow passageway as several stormmoderators rush past her. She checks to make sure they're gone, then runs down the hallway in the opposite direction towards the secret entrance to the Private Death Forums. Darth Evro appears at the far end of the hallway and starts after the sexy Flame-Warrior.]
22. INTERIOR - DEATH FORUM-STATION - MAIN SERVER PORTAL.
[Fionn, Can-Solo, Hignar and Katebacca run down a corridor into the bay with stormmoderators and LACKEYs hot on their trail.]
LACKEY: Close the blast doors!
[At the end of the hallway, blast doors begin to close in front of them. The four rebels dash towards their server ship as forum-blasts erupt all around them. Can-Solo, Katebacca and Fionn fire back with their forum-blasters as Hignar runs away towards the ship with his parasol like a little-girl.]
23. INTERIOR DEATH FORUMS - HALLWAY LEADING TO MAIN SERVER PORTAL.
[M’kayla hurries along one of the tunnels leading to the portal where the server-ship waits. Just before she reaches the hangar, Darth Evro steps into view at the end of the tunnel, not ten feet away. Evro lights his Flame-Saber. M’kayla also ignites hers and steps slowly forward.]
EVRO I've been waiting for you, Valsharess. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete.
[M’kayla moves with elegant ease into a classical offensive position. The fearsome Dark Evro takes a defensive stance.]
EVRO: When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.
M’KAYLA: Only a master of secrets, Darth.
[The two mighty warriors stand perfectly still for a few moments, sizing each other up and waiting for the right moment. M’kayla seems to be under increasing pressure and strain, as if an invisible weight were being placed upon her. She shakes her head and, blinking, tries to clear her eyes. M’kayla makes a sudden lunge at the huge Evro but is checked by a lightning movement of the Forum-Sith. A masterful slash stroke by Evro is blocked by the sexy Flame-Warrior. Another of her blows is blocked, then countered. M’kayla moves around Darth Evro and starts backing into the massive server portal. The two powerful warriors stand motionless for a few moments with Flame-Swords locked in mid-air, creating a low buzzing sound and incinerating lesser ALFAns all around them.]
EVRO: Your powers are weak, you stupid cyber-whore.
M’KAYLA: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
EVRO: That makes no sense at all - ALFA has permadeath!
M’KAYLA: [laughing] I know! But doesn’t it sound cool when I say it?
[Their flame-sabers continue to meet in combat.]
24. INTERIOR DEATH FORUMS - MAIN SERVER PORTAL.
[Can-Solo, Katebacca and Fionn continue to fight their way to the Millenium Swift as Hignar watches passively from the safety of the ship while Evro and M’kayla continue their powerful duel. As Evro and M’kayla hit their flame-sabers together, weaker egos around them are burned up on impact. Moderators look on in interest as the flame-warrior and Dark Lord of the Underground fight. Suddenly Fionn spots the battle from his group's vantage point..]
FIONN: Look!
[Fionn, Can-Solo, Katebacca and Hignar look up and see M’kayla and Evro emerging from the hallways on the far side of the server portal bay.]
CAN-SOLO: [to Fionn and Katebacca] Now's our chance! Go!
[The trio runs for the Millennium Swift. M’kayla sees the troops charging toward her and realizes she is trapped. Evro takes advantage of M’kayla’s momentary distraction and brings his mighty flame-saber down on the lithe drow-chick. M’kayla manages to deflect the blow and swiftly turns around. The sexy flame-warrior looks over her shoulder at Fionn, lifts her sword from Evro's, and then watches his Evro with a serene look on her face. ]
[Vader sensing something odd, hesitates for only a moment, but then swings his flame-saber at the seemingly passive M’kayla, aiming to cut the slender girl in half...]
[…but at the last moment, a second flame-blade pops out of the bottom of M’kayla’s flame-saber, giving her a dual-flame-saber with which she easily parries Darth Evro’s blow!]
M’KAYLA: Ha! Did you really think I was going to go down that easy, like that stupid old man in Star Wars?
EVRO: [pausing] Well, uh, yeah, for a moment there, I thought you were.
M’KAYLA: Fat chance Underground boy. You’re not a true member of the Fellowship of the Forums. Your forum flame isn’t hot enough to set a gasoline-soaked hay bail on fire in the middle of a dry Mojave afternoon.
EVRO: Oh yeah? I am not scared of you. Give me your best shot!
[Darth Evro holds his flame-saber out menacingly, looking every inch the Dark Lord of the Underground that he is. M’kayla twirls her dual-flame-saber around expertly, just like Dark Maul except that M’kayla is a girl and doesn’t have red skin or horns or yellow eyes…but otherwise, just like that. Darth Evro is not intimidated by her impressive display of skill however.]
[Suddenly, without warning, M’kayla stops twirling her flame-sabers about and simply kicks Darth Evro in the nuts. The Dark Lord winces with pain, drops his flame saber and collapses to the floor holding his groin.]
EVRO: [softy] No fair…
M’KAYLA: Hit you with my best shot? No need too sweetheart. Darth Evro? Puhleeze. More like ‘Darth Biaatch.’ Ciao bambino!
[M’kayla lights up the remaining stormmoderators and LACKEYs with a burst of forum fire and dashes to the Millenium Swift where Fionn, Can-Solo, Katebacca, Hignar, and Ayabatu the Chat Droid await.]
25. INTERIOR – MILLENIUM SWIFT
FIONN: M’kayla! You made it! Now all we have to do is elude the LACKEYs, make our way to the secret ADM-Nooblin Alliance base, get in our tiny PCs, then go back and blow up the Death Forums!
M’KAYLA: Nah. No need. I already used the secret password and made it into the Private Death Forum.
FIONN: And?
M’KAYLA: And pretty much all there was were a couple of threads talking about how I shouldn’t be allowed to have the password. Other than that, it was pretty boring actually.
FIONN: Oh. Well, what about the rebellion?
M’KAYLA: What about it? Squamatus is Emperor, Indio is gone, I gave Darth Evro a slapping and the Private Death Forums turned out to be pretty tame.
FIONN: But, the ADMs still don’t have the vote!
HIGNAR: And the nooblins and PGers need their due as well!
M’KAYLA: Oh for the love of Lolth can-it would ya’ Higgy? You are already levels above everyone else and only one level from the cap.
HIGNAR: [grumbles] Fine.
26. INTERIOR - ADM OUTPOST - MAIN THRONE ROOM.
[Fionn, Can-Solo, Katebacca and M’kayla enter the huge ruins of the main temple. Hundreds of ADMs are lined up in neat rows (but most are using the PC interface, not the DM interface..bastards..). Banners are flying and at the far end stands a vision in white, the not-so-beautiful, not-so-young Solonor Hignar. Fionn and the others solemnly march up the long aisle and kneel before Solonor Hignar. From one side of the temple marches a shined-up and fully repaired Ayabatu. Katebacca is confused. Wynna and several other dignitaries sit on the left of the Solonar Hignar. Hignar is dressed in his armor and, oddly, is carrying a parasol. He rises and places a gold medallion around Can-Solo’s neck. Can winks at Higgy and Higgy smiles back. Higgy then repeats the ceremony with Fionn who is moved by the event. Higgy then repeats for Katebacca who is still confused and growling pointlessly. Finally, Higgy puts a gold medallion around M’kayla’s neck, but before she can smile, Wynna gestures to Commander T-Dawg who takes the medallion away from M’kayla.]
WYNNA: Sorry dear, but you are at the wealth level warning cut off. No medal for you.
[M’kayla frowns momentarily, but then turns with the others to face the assembled troops, who all bow before them. Katebacca growls with confused agression and Ayabatu censors people randomly, but happily.]
FADE OUT
Look for ALFA WARS: Episode V, the Admin Strike Back, coming to a forum near you!!
ALFA WARS, Episode IV, A New Hopelessness
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Mikayla
- Valsharess of ALFA
- Posts: 3707
- Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2004 5:37 pm
- Location: Qu'ellar Faen Tlabbar, Noble Room 7, Menzoberranzan, NorthUnderdark
ALFA WARS, Episode IV, A New Hopelessness
Last edited by Mikayla on Fri Jan 13, 2006 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
ALFA1-NWN1: Sheyreiza Valakahsa
NWN2: Layla (aka Aliyah, Amira, Snake and others) and Vellya
NWN1-WD: Shein'n Valakasha
NWN2: Layla (aka Aliyah, Amira, Snake and others) and Vellya
NWN1-WD: Shein'n Valakasha
Or we've been here too long ;)Vendrin wrote:lol. Good times. For all who don't get it... You haven't been around long enough.
Mik - you missed one 'vader'.
PC: Bot (WD)
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PensivesWetness
- Frost Giant
- Posts: 702
- Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2004 4:25 am
- Location: Cleveland, Ohio (where? whut? dude...)
ROFL, Bravo! Bravo!Vendrin wrote:lol. Good times. For all who don't get it... You haven't been around long enough.
<Gebb> ok, what does it mean to be "huggled"? <spidroth_esq> Something terrible. <Squamatus> buggered <Dran> sodomised <Squamatus> by an acorn on a stick <tresca> LOL <Gebb> that didn't help <alynn>
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RangerDeWood
- Ogre
- Posts: 633
- Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2004 6:03 am
- Location: Pittsburgh, PA
- Contact:
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Valiantman
- Shambling Zombie
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2005 5:55 pm
- Location: Finland
Amazing. I needed this.