A Land Far Away

((I'm not usually one to do this, but I think it would be interesting to get some feedback, so here it goes.))

Anger and a False Hope

There’s nothing left but hate
And the corrupt who
Willingly discriminate.

Our unconquerable love is dead,
Overwhelmed by animosity,
And hope is now nothing more than
Shattered feelings of ardency.

Our once precious paradise crumbles,
Now expanses of ruination,
And as I weep in failure,
With much sorrow I wonder,

How could a world like this
Ever have seen days of...
Happiness.

-Vae'rye

((Tell me what you think, Im trying my hand at poetry so be honest.))

I don't claim to be a professional poet, or a professional critic, but here's my go at it... lol.

First, I really like it. When I'm writing and from what I've picked up from those critics that have guided me, is that there are many ways to format poetry and prose... so there is a basic guideline I roughed out for myself when reviewing my own poetry. I'll give the quick version here...



1. Find a topic that speaks to you (and commercially) one that speaks to others.
2. Decide if your wording is aimed at those most likely to read it and appreciate it. (That is to say - are there not enough/too many 'big words'. Are the words used the best ones for the context and [commercially] the audience.)
3. Is it poetry (rhymes) or prose (free form). Does it follow a proper meter, depending on it's style.
4. Does it open and close well.
5. Is there a sense of A to Z, that is to say... do you chart a course to follow or will readers be thrown off along the way.
6. When re-reading your work, does it convey the message/image/feeling you were involved with. (If it's a sad poem, will it take a happy reader to that place.)

Again, this is a quick version... I didn't want to sound haughty... and again, I am no professional poet/critic, but I have been doing it long enough to think that some of what I've learned might help others.



I think your poem opens and closes well, follows a good track, has great images, a nice meter and some nice wordsmithing. Made me wonder about the subject... which I love to do, so it moved me which is always nice for the reader. After the first read, because it wasn't named out right, I thought about Native Americans in America and re-read the poem.

That makes it personal to me (as a Native American Indian/Hawaiian) and THAT makes it a great poem in the eyes of the reader. I imagine African Americans could also see that personal aspect in this poem, or anyone that feels/has dealt with a cultural inequity.

So, my critique - great poem! Again, this is all in my opinion and by no means a professional's opinion. (I'm published much... paid little )

Hope it helps! Great work

// Aer

I'm not a published poet, nor have I taken poetry classes. I just love words. They sing to me.

Lines four through nine sing so well! The other lines did something for me that I rarely see in poetry. The metric variations called my attention to the angry chaos of the words.

I read it aloud twice, once speaking and once singing. It was powerful both ways. That first sentence - there's nothing left but hate - punched me in the gut and kept me reading.

The change in mood from big words like ruination to little words like weep punched me again. I read the last five lines over and over. Each line has a different meter. I'm very sensitive to meter, and I would have expected the irregularity to jar me.

Instead, it pulled me into each line and shoved each word down my throat. I want to write an answer. I want to write about where the happiness is when the hope goes away.

The last three lines really sing.
Da di di Da Da Da
Dah di di Da di di Dah di di.

I want to write a tune for this poem.

Does that answer your question?