the black Velvet Notebook ..the journal of Violet Hawkwinter

[ravin]

Another night passes, and another...and again i find myself sitting here before the fire in this Too-empty house and writing again.
I am healing...slowly, but I am healing.
He would Laugh...no.. not laugh.. but he would chuckle at me for all the foolishness that i put myself through.
the things men and women do in the course of a love affair...the irony and agony and joy, it is amazing.
I have Known for some time that Marques was involved with the Girl Samira...dispite both of their flirtations with others. but last night was the first time i had seen the usually jovial and good natured romantic jealous. i had to laugh. some dashin young man had caught his lady's eye, aparantly this ididn't sit well with Dear Marques. so in an effort not to seem jealous..he does the one thing all jealous men do...gets a woman to fawn over him...the woman.. me. i found great humor in the situation. Samira is no girl to be made jealous by such a transparant ploy... and MArques, not as much a seasoned soldier of passion as he appears...he would not have fallen into her trap so easily.
the little game made me miss the games i once played. it made me remember the joys i took in seeing men smile at my atention.
it awoke in me i long forgoten desire..i need to play again.
not just my harp, but i need to play the game again.. to once again be the stalking cat chasing hapless mouse or bird. i smile at theese words. for who would ever think of my chosen prey as something so delicate.
the irony of men...when they think they are in complete control..is when they are most vulnerable. mother once told me that a woman's true power is in making a man feel like a god..in doing so she herself becomes greater than her creation. it may sound arrogant.. but taken in context..it is truth. the exaultation i gained in my worship and adoration of charles gave me life and hope that i never thought possiable.
with his Acention...i must seek a new divine embrace not just for myself or for him.. but for Sharess. i can not deny that i have longed to revel again in the gifts that she bestows. but i must choose carefully. i know there will never be another Charles..just as there will never be another Jacob...but what new passions, what new loves will this next embrace bring...adn must it be only one? i laugh at myself now... feeling the ol;d stirings of a violet long dorment.
i even found enough passion in myself to hazard a well placed kiss to the lips of a certian Dark Prince. i doubt he will speek to me for a few days..but the look on his face was worth it.
i am cruel to him..i torment him i can see it in his eyes at times.. i have known him long enough to understand even the slightest shift in his mood...he is as deadly as viper poison..but he is a man of honor...much like Charles.
ahh well.. i ramble here and the hour grows late...i must sleep
Violet[/i]

[ravin]

i thought it was over. i thought the pain had subsided. but seeing him.. even an illusion of him tore the wound open again. i wanted to reach out , to touch him , to kiss him. but i couldn't. whatever this creature wanted from me... be it my pain and agony or my rage..it has both now.
i have not slept in days thanks to that vision, and thanks to the little hin and all of her damned questions. forcing me to recount the horrors and dispair. i know what she was doing, she's done it before. using me to bait the creature, to see if it would show itself again. i must live. I must let this agony go. Must Let Charles rest and be free.
I went swimming, to try and clear my mind. the girl Jade found me. and Sharess bless her, she tried to comfort me. We spoke of things past. i told her of all my loves in this city. it actually made me smile. even through the loss i have fond memories of each one.
Jacob, Dorach, Samir, Charles, and the one love that i will never hold...but he is not for me. His heart is long entrenched elcewhere adn i would not change that.
i thought it funny, Jade seems intent on persuing Vas. Vas.. now there is a man that no woman will tame. Jade seems smitten with him. dispite my warnings i think she means to persue, i hope she does not go too far, it may get her killed. I know what he is...and i respect him, as i respect Samir. they are both efficent adn deadly. true it makes me cold inside to think of what it is that they do, but i grant you, there are greater evils in this city then the two of them. i hope for Jade's sake that she heeds me on this and decides not to entangle herself in that world. of corse, i may be too late as it is.
then there is the Enigma of the newest arival into the circle, Dante. He seems...awkward at best he has the look of a noble and speeks openly of his love for Selgaunt. perhaps he is playing some manor of game.. a young olf roaming the city insearch of easy prey. i somehow doubt he will find it in Samira. perhaps his eyes will turn to jade and distract her from her dangerous persuit. one can only hope.
and now, a small voice within me whispers " what of your own happieness, Violet?"
what of it? My Happienes is seeing other happy. if i can make them smile then i can go on.

[ravin]

i sit here, in the siren tonight, confused and troubled. how did i come to this? why is my only clarity when i sing, or dance or write?
i told him how i felt tonight.. he walked away. he always does.. i would expect no less. had he stayed he would have heard my reasoning adn not the foolsih ramblings of a delusional woman. i love him, yes... but not as i loved charles. it may seem that way now, when i look into those eyes... i'm seeing something that's not there. seeing the ghosts of the past. a smile that was never ment for me. adn wanting it. wanting to hold to that moment, like i hold to so many other shadows adn memories.
gods i miss my Love... but i can not mourn.. i can not sink into dispair.
...so..i asked MArques to dinner. not that i expect anything other than idle chatter about the price of gems and his real estate ventures... but it will be good not to be alone for a short time. and he is congenial company enough. i'll have to find out what he likes to eat..

[ravin]

i picked up the tarrot cards again.. for the first time in a very long time...i thought it would be amusing. after reading them for both Mossi and heinchen.. three cards fell from the deck.
The Tower... The Lovers.. and the Chariot...

i know what they mean...i'm just not sure i want to face it.

the tower is always Calamity...Distructive crumbling od the walls and barriers i build around myself... a forced change. Charles's Death...


the Lovers...Charles again? or something elce? Something.. new...
that thought in itself scares me... i have lost several loves now..how much more can my heart bear untill i feel nothing at all?
i wouldn't mind having someone in my bed.. the pleasure and joy of anothers touch.. but in my heart? I don't know if i can do it again...
my feelings of late have been a swirl of onflicting emotion.. my heart is uncertian of it's desires or direction...
my only true goal right now.. is the Revel... i can not think past that.

the last card... The Chariot. Overcoming obsticles... a battle fought adn won...a strong male presence.
victory..over what? sorrow? lonliness?
i want to be happy again.. and on the odd moment.. have been... but here, alone in this house...it seeps back in.. settles over me like a shadow.


i must set theese things aside.. there is yet much work to do.. and little time.

[ravin]

again , joy comes into my life when i do not expect it. and in the most unusual form. he is a gentleman, with an easy smile and ready laugh. he is a warrior, honed as a steel blade, imposing and deadly, yet.. i see no hate in his eyes. what started out as curiosity has bloomed into a very real atraction in just a few short days.

his eyes are the color of a deep cloudless sky. his smile, both truthfull and devious.

he is deadly. i thought him a priest at first.. but i was wrong.. he is far more dangerous. he is a warrior, bound by the love of battle and comitment to his path, for good or ill. that is the part that frightens me. i am not fool enough to walk blindly into the arms of an enemy. i don't think he will hurt me. and even if there is a risk.. there will be some reward.

the first night we talked, we sat near my pond and spoke of many things. of light, and darkness..of the past and our desires in life. it was a companionable time. He seems to have a vested intrest in Heinchen's chess tournament,( i shall have to find out the details, for i am to sponsor Heinchen's entry.. and with any fourtune, victory. )we laughed and spoke untill the sun crested the eastern sky. we parted on the promise to meet again soon. i asked him to dance with me at my Revel... it will be the first time that i have danced with someone, instead of For them at such an ocasion.
Last evening he showed up at the siren as i was engaging MArques in a small business matter.. i think he frightened poor marques. we went up to the baths, i have never been one to cling to morality or propriety... and i invited him to swim with me. we didn't really swim.. but again, we sat and talked. as dawn broke, (yet again ) i kissed him again.. there was a startling moment he embraced me tenderly..held me against him for a long time..just sitting there. Supprising intamacy and tenderness from such a fearsome warrior. again, not what i would have expected.
what i do not expect is that our attachment will be displayed openly. he has his duty and i will not become involved in that, both gfor my sake and his. We will find time though... secret meetings beneith trembling ash boughers or in quiet corners at the siren or the house of song... we will find time.

i will sing for him, the next time we are alone, i think...perhaps i will write something new.

[ravin]

Sweet Sharess but that was an ordeal! but...it's over now. the performance went well. even if i do say so myself. Vico was less than pleased with my final act, but i will make it up to him later. a few more performances to draw in costomers will more than do the trick. Sharess i'm tired. I really should sleep more. However, new diversions have been keeping me awake at all hours.
After my performance at the Crows Nest i wandered to the Siren. a good meal a bath adn a massage were in definate order. i washed away the grime, sweat and smoke in the lilac scented waters. at that moment there was no greater pleasure then the easing of my sore muscles. this is what i get for being out of practice...
i lingered near the pool, in truth hopeing He would come. i suppose i fell asleep. it was dawn when i awoke still tired and more than a little hungry. i gathered myself, bougt a few choice picnic supplies and headed for my pond to enjoy the morning in quiet indulgence.
i sat benieth the sprawling oaks near my pond nibbling fruit and writing..when a most welcome shadow loomed over me. tingling excitement spun through me. he always seemed to know where to find me. although i wasn't exactly hideing.
he sat with me, it was one of those idealistic lovers moments...the morning sun, the birds singing... and him. had i not been so damn tired i'm sure i would have enjoyed it more.
he said he had missed me...the words made my head spin. no man.. not even charles had said that without prompt or preamble. What makes him different? what is it that in only a few short days has endeared this man to me? his sky-bright eyes? his sweet hearty laugh?
...the fact that he laughs at all is an amazing thing. i suppose i grew use to the Stone expression and cool demeanor of men Like Charles and Vas. i forgot what it is like to share joy and laughter with someone.
i am happy when he is around.. i feel light of heart . like nothing elce in the world matters... not My duty, not his...nothing but the moment between us. the sweet intamacy the soft kiss of warmth...
Sharess... Lady of Laughter and joy... i thank you for this moment.

[ravin]

Sweet Sharess.. So much has happened in so short a time!
anna came last evening...to talk of business... she has purchased an old building in Chancelagunt East and is renovating it.. Into A sharessian Feasthall! And She has asked me to run it for her! I am Still Overwhelmed by this. Anna Has done so much for me, and now.. She has brought my longtime Dream into reality. A bath house and feast hall. She says tis a small place.. with a restraunt, a bath, a vinter and a ballroom. from her discription this will be the grandest hall any Sharessian ever knew! She promised to take me there when her renovations are done. I feel like a child just before some great festival!

there was a darker note to the joyfull evening, though not much of one. Rife came to collect his suits that he commissioned. Anna seemed concerned for my association with him and his inquisitor. i know Alexander wants something of me.. i also know that i will do all i can to keep from giving it to him, unless what he wants is a song or perhaps dance...which is unlikely. Rife i find at least amusing to flirt with. he seems to have a higher appreciation for art...at least when coming from a woman in a tightly laced corset.
but enough of the darkness...

i have seen _him_ again. I took him to the cove. it was painfull for me to see those places... where i found My beloved Charles.. and the beach where we were wed.. but.. i must make new memories.. joyfull ones.
we talked, of happieness, and sorrow and trust. He seems truly concerned with my happieness... more so than any man ..even my beloved Charles..ever was. its strange. i have written three songs.. because of him...
he has this sweet boyish smile adn his eyes...beautifull clear blue. I am happy when i can be close to him. even if only for a little while. i just worry...that it won't last.
Holy Sharess, Bast , Great Mother of Joy and Passion.. i thank you for all of your blessings..especially this...

[ravin]

Sweet Passion.. Sweet Bliss.. how can this be? I have no other explaination, save .. fate.

we lay together benieth the stars worshiping eachother and the sweet embrace that is mutual adoration. there was nothing else in all of existance save for us.

i knew i was to be his first taste of passion...and i harbored some reserve about it. my hesitations melted with his first kiss.
he is not the boy those around him seem to think he is, Nor is he the brutal warrior. There is a gentleness in him , somehow preserved even through countless battles. a gem of rare clarity somehow guarded from the temperment of a harsh world. an he...has entrusted it to me.

i watch him sleep now. his battle- scared chest rises and fals with each life-giving breath. and with each breath i thank my lady, and whatever forces that be that i have found him.

i know now what the Tower ment... i had to loose Charles...his guardianship was done... his soul needed freedom... adn i...needed this.

I tried to explain to Alexander when he told me think about the effect i have on the men around me. i don't think... it was something that neither he, nor Vas or Charles could ever understand. I don't think...I feel. Yes my heart may lead me into Danger...even Death. but it will not lead me down the wrong path. i exist off of Pure emotion.
where as Charles was always reserved, i feel no such reservations. WHy should i? Were we not given theese feelings to be experianced wholly? to revel in their infinate pleasures with each breath? to kiss and taste each morning and night with unclouded desire? why would anyone want to lock theese things away behind a wall of iron? why would anyone want for the cold embrace of apathy and disdain, when such things flow fiercly through our veins?
i feel Passion again.. i feel Joy. 'Tis irony that the darkness has been swept away so easily. there is no way of telling what was ment to be...only what is. though i did not intend it...i love this man. it is a simple, unavoidable and staggering truth. I love him.

Alexander said that i should consider following Sune. ironically , he is not the first to suggest it. I suppose what he and Samir do not understand, is that there is more to this than love, there is endless passion, the feeling of absolute joy in the kiss, in the touch of one that you love.
yes there can be pleasure without love. but i have never found it as fulfilling as tasting the sweet kiss ofan adored lover. the indulgences of flesh and spirit are ment to be shared. such joys and laughter were not ment to be encased in steel and left to wither.. they must see sunlight and stars and grow with each kiss.

i thank you Charles, for all that you taught me, the caution the careing.. your gentle smile..even that stone carved frown..i will remember it fondly. you kept me alive, kept me from loosing myself. i will always love you for it.

as i sit here and my lover sleeps, i think on days to come, on the trials we will face. it will not be easy. but then, what is worth having...is worth fighting for. and i would fight through all of the hells for this man.
i would shatter the pillars of the heavens if it would keep him by my side.
i invite fate to throw what she will at me. i will face it. and i will not fear. for i havethe love of such a man as this. my inncoent warrior. the man who's eyes can pierce my heart and soul and turn even icy sorrow to brightest starfire.

i thank you for this, Mother of Joy, i thank you for all you have given me. May i ever be able to serve your glory and share the gifts you have bestowed in your name. most Holy Lady Of Laughter.

thank you.

[ravin]

Alexander is dead... amd Rife suffers like a man who has lost his brother. i have offered him a place in the house untill he can sort through the rage of emotions that plagues him. Mossi seems to think that this could be a posative step in his life.. that perhaps the exposure to me will pull him from his darkness. he has become a good friend.. dispite his affiliations. but there is a rage in him, an anger that seethes below the surface .. i hope it does not consume him and drive him further into shadow.

I had an impromptu dinner party here last night. it made me happy to share the food , wine and fun with my friends. for the first time in a long time the house was full of laughter again.
I think Dobin and Rosa have an unspoken attachment...i wish they would just admit it so both of them could be happy. i tried to get him to kiss her .. but i think it annoyed her more than anything.
there is a new boy.. named Adrian. handsome, tall.. sweet. i welcomed him in my custmary fashion. by wagering both him and Rife that i could supply a kiss to put a man flat on his back side...
i gave it my best effort with Adrian..it left him stunned...and Rife..Jealous?
i have never seen it in him before... he knows the game...he knows that i will flirt with men.. it's what i enjoy. i remarked that perhaps it was my garb...that i should have worn the red dress... Rife contradicted.. he said the white dress... that the red would have killed him...
his anger was pallatable.. i was stunned by it..i've never seen him that way. i needed to correct the situation .. i sulked upstairs and sliped on my best red gown...
then upon my return heard him tell Adrian that he was only teasing me...
the thought stung me more than i would ever admit. but i must remember, we play the same game. and remember that it is just that.. a game.
in acordance with the rules of the game.. i trapped Rife in a breath taking kiss. i think though.. i may have gone too far.
but..no regrets in the game...
all is well now..even though both men were still standing and i lost the wager.. try.. try again...
V