The Daily Strumpet - Diary of Laura Muppet Humper

Member created stories, poems, & other creative work.
Post Reply
Wild Wombat
Frost Giant
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2004 5:35 pm
Location: Alexandria, Virginia, USA (DC 'burbs)

The Daily Strumpet - Diary of Laura Muppet Humper

Post by Wild Wombat »

The random entries of an up and coming Hin bard roaming the streets of Waterdeep, looking to make a name for herself while ogling every male taller than she is.

Editors Note: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance depicted herein that resembles any character, real or fictional, existing in Faerun is purely intentional. Refer all inquiries to Ayergo, ruler of the Waterdhavian universe.
Current NWN1: Murgen Kjarnisteinn (AKA Grumpy Scout)

Current NWN2: Muir Cheartach, AKA The Pale Faced Pie Man

R.I.P.: Croaker Lyosbarr, Knight of Yartar, Lord of Lhuvenhead (NWN1)

"In no uncertain terms, i am adamantly opposed to any ingame mechanics that penalize players for wanting to meet up with other players, when their goal is to roleplay." - White Warlock
Wild Wombat
Frost Giant
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2004 5:35 pm
Location: Alexandria, Virginia, USA (DC 'burbs)

Re: The Daily Strumpet - Diary of Laura Muppet Humper

Post by Wild Wombat »

Dear Diary,

First light (11AM) - Oh, gods, what did I eat and drink last night? My breath is like Wayfarer's socks marinated in Murgen's farts. Ah, well, nothing that a shot of vodka can't wash out.

Noon - Made my way out of Garah's (why does that biddy give me the look. Like she didn't roll a guardsman or two before she became a withered old hag). Stopped and bought some bran muffins and some hard cider for lunch. Ah, which reminds me, wouldn't I love to have myself a helping of hard Bran for lunch. Talk about whetting the appetite!

12:30 PM - It's a beautiful day. I made my way down to the docks to eat my muffins and watch the stevedores work their cargo. I wouldn't mind loading some of their cargo, if you know what I mean! And talk about buns to go with my muffins! It's a cool day, but watching the sweat bead on the pecs of the men gets my blood flowing and my juices running.

1:15 PM - Time for a quick drink. I'd love to stary and admire the scenery, but I've got a busy day planned. Starting with a real drink.

3:45 PM - Well, so much for quickness. I was walking to the Golem, where I was sure to find some of my armored thugs lazing about when I spotted Arryn walking with that bitch Marisha. Oh, how Arryn gazed into her eyes while she flirted with every able bodied male that walked by. Men! I tell you, if it's over 5'5" and has tits, they start slobbering all over themselve... Anyway, they went into a quiet part of the square and Arryn leaned in for a kiss, so I saw my opprotunity. As Marisha closed her eyes to meet his lips, I made the loudest fart sound come from her arse you have ever heard! Sounded like Cullen in the privy - may he be smiling on me now. Arryn's face as he pretended not to notice my weaving the illusory smells of fetid bowels traveling up his nostrils was so delicious that I had to stay in the Golem for a double shot of whiskey to celebrate. Of course that led to another shot, but hey, a girl's gotta live, eh?

5:15 PM - I was supposed to go on at 5:00 at the Jade Jug, had a new song about the stupidity of everybody but me all prepared. (One of my best yet, so you know it would have just slayed the audience). So, I was fifteen minutes late! Why do the talentless hacks that manage taverns and music halls insist on promptness. As if being on time makes my music any better! If these toads had any talent, they'd be performing instead of standing off stage counting the gold that I put in their tills. So, my slot was taken by some Gnome with a banjo, singing songs about the joys of fiddling with gears and pulleys. At least that is what I think he was singing about. I was too busy filching ales from the tap when nobody was looking. Hey! I deserved it since I didn't get paid, I am going to get my due. Anyway, the bartender there is a dream, tall, auburn hair, hazel eyes and an ass so firm you could bounce bricks on of it. I'd love to bounce something on him!

8:00 PM - My head was starting to spin, probably all of the smoke in the place, so I made my way to the market for a snack. Raw oysters, yum! I just love the way they feel going down. And afterwards, I seem to be so much more ... well, me: charming, witty, attractive! I can just see all of the men giving the eye. As if I'd have anything to do with most of them!

9:00 PM - Back at the Safe Haven again. Really don't know why I bother with these fools. The armored thugs and their self-important talk of how many goblins and imps they slew. So much testosterone, especially from the amazon warrior princesses, they don't fool anybody with their overcompensating. Speaking of shallow, what about Marisha with her batting eyes and claws hidden behind her back? Arryn looking like a dream but with nothing but space between his ears. Jack thinking he is the gift of the gods when we all know he simply covers his inadequacey with a show of bravado. The ever dwindling population of dwarves talking of nothing but ale and how they brew it better than anybody else. Keryn with her air of superiority. I could go on, but you would think me catty. Don't get me wrong, they all have their uses, I simply wish that they were more competent and more interesting to talk to. How I dream of meeting my intellectual equal! I try and try to show them the way, but it is like teaching apes to play the lute.

2:00 AM - Where did the time fly. There are just not enough hours in the day! I'll have to pick it up tomorrrow.
Current NWN1: Murgen Kjarnisteinn (AKA Grumpy Scout)

Current NWN2: Muir Cheartach, AKA The Pale Faced Pie Man

R.I.P.: Croaker Lyosbarr, Knight of Yartar, Lord of Lhuvenhead (NWN1)

"In no uncertain terms, i am adamantly opposed to any ingame mechanics that penalize players for wanting to meet up with other players, when their goal is to roleplay." - White Warlock
User avatar
Akivaria
Orc Champion
Posts: 489
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 10:36 pm
Location: Mid-America
Contact:

Re: The Daily Strumpet - Diary of Laura Muppet Humper

Post by Akivaria »

*Alora reads her copy, laughing so hard her chair tips backward*

:popcorn:
"This is how liberty dies... with thunderous applause."

Current PC: Alora Tuffet-Hopper, foul-mouthed and irreverent bard
User avatar
Cleasor
Gelatinous Cube
Posts: 328
Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 12:18 am
Location: Colorado MST

Re: The Daily Strumpet - Diary of Laura Muppet Humper

Post by Cleasor »

Jack replies, "Come over 'ere, Lass, and I'll show ye me inadequacy." Then grins widely.
"Having an adventure shows that someone is incompetent, that something has gone wrong. An adventure is interesting enough in retrospect, especially to the person who didn't have it; at the time it happens it usually constitutes an exceedingly disagreeable experience." Vilhjalmur Stefansson
Post Reply